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Loneliness eating away at me. Don't want new relationships. Feel like reality is false.

sonicjaguar
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi all.

I have chronic anxiety & major depression, like many of you.

The last relationship I had ended at the beginning of 2016, so it hasnt been that long and since then I've been taking the time to try and "fix" myself and make sure I am a person worth loving.

However, I find that the idea of starting a new relationship with someone is... not daunting, but revolving around something like "Your sickness will just cause it to not work," or something like that.

I have little to no self esteem. I hate myself a lot, for a variety of reasons. I also just can't see the point in a lot of things like relationships.

Part of this stems from how pessimistic I seem to have become. I don't see the point because everything ends and everything dies, so why bother?

Why bother trying again and again and again to find someone who I work with, who truly enjoys the same things as me, who helps me see the world in a better way, who makes me want to continue to live?

Secondarily, I also have a condition that was caused by brain trauma as an infant. The condition causes me to have a delay between what I see and how I process/interact with it. This has caused me years of feeling like my entire existence is false, that I am stuck inside a dream, that everything is not real. Nothing matters because nothing actually feels real to me. Which means I find it very hard to find a reason to try.

Why try when this could all (highly) possibly be an illusion? Why try when tomorrow I may wake up from this dream and forget this existence as a passing thought, a half remembered dream...

It drives me mad. Like a splinter in my mind that someone placed there, it itches in my soul, nagging at me that something about this life is not right and there must be somewhere else.

Sorry for the long winded post. I don't even know why I am writing here. I'm just tired of being tired. Tired of feeling the gut wrenching disconnectedness. Tired of hating myself & thinking that I am worthless, and that everything else is seemingly worthless too.

All the best & thank you (even if this isn't real) for your responses.

2 Replies 2

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi sonicjaguar, welcome back to the forums.

This is definitely a real environment, with real people taking the time to reach out and support you with responses.  

You might want to take a look back at your earlier thread here, where 4 members replied to you with support and didn't hear back from you - it would be great if you could pop in there to acknowledge them while you're waiting for a response in this new thread.

Thanks for reminding me Sophie. I often forget to reply to things as my memory isn't great at times.

Thank you for the reply.