living alone

[Guest_1584]

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l mean they aren't big things , yaknow, most people try to do things like that both ways l know. And asking one to cut back on talking about something you know, when they go on and on and we all over do it sometimes but it's not a biggie, l laugh at myself when l do it. Her ex nah, he was a nasty piece, abusive bad tempered, threatening. But he also use to pick on her and things she did a lot too.

lt's strange though l mean she can not do enough for someone she loves you will not get a kinder heart, but sometimes ask her some thing like those and it's rare,not like l'm asking her every day to stop something, but that's how she'll react.

[Guest_1584]

Anyone who's scanned a long through the last 12 mths l've sometimes thought they've had doubts about her character and well it is very hard explaining someone like her, it's such a mix.

Buttttt, l have had a trust issue with her since way back, l've talked about it here but something l never quite work out if it was her or just me being so wary these days. But l must admit when we argued last wk and the way she reacted and things she said have been sinking in more , l still wonder about that trust thing and parts of her, attitudes sometimes. We haven't spoken since then bc one thing lead to another and we or l don't remember which, decided it'd be best right now to go on with that break.Think it was me bc l was so peed of at the way she responded , there were things in stuff she said and her attitude, seen it before. Things that just have me doubting spending another 6mths waiting around on her saying things like that , they're just all wrong and not what should be coming out. Yaknow, getting angry ok , but they've shown before , not only that time. Sometimes you think she could just walk away and not feel a thing , a day after telling you how much she loves you.

l dunno , she just has a really weird way and attitude , tbh l think it's a cultural thing and way and l've quietly read up at times more on how women of her nationality and the men to , think are raised and do things and attitudes. l've always seen a lot of exactly what they describe in her. But a really short way of putting one angle of it is that although they can be extremely passionate about love they can also be pretty cold blooded attitudinized and practical when it comes to a partner and things she's said and done at times have just fitted it to all to a T. l won't go into specifics but they have always been there and l can say they've always been at least part of my trust thing and l've known and noticed them right through. Welllll, they were there again in that argument and l must admit , always hoped l was wrong but l don't like them one bit and l'm starting to think they probably are just part of her nature, culture, upbringing and attitudes which makes it like kinda hoping to change a leopards spots. And yep l have hoped she would come around to the way we work in these ways but she just doesn't do things that way.

rx

rx

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

You're right, we can't change a leopard's spots. There's a reason you didn't want to get married way back when & perhaps it was also the Universe playing it's part. It is so hard to know when you can't be together in a normal way. It sounds like alot of red flags for you unfortunately. If you hadn't had all this time apart I wonder if all these things would have changed? It's been so stressful for her & you've given do much support. It's so unfair to have this yo-yo thing going on but it does sound like she's just expecting you to keep waiting while she does what she wants/needs to.

Wish I had more answers for you.

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Ahh thanks cm. And no worries at all.

Funny you mention waiting around, yeah on one hand she does that's actually a big cultural thing right there. Most couples you couldn't even trust to wait a yr-two, end of the world too selfish n me me but she'd wait 20 to her this times nothing she says l don't care we have all life.At the same time she knows l'm worried about time and won't ask me to wait.That is one of the things actually , shouldn't she be asking me and counting days and wks, most would.Although she does when we're actually doing it like l;'m going there or her here.

But yeah , the rest , we've just needed us time and all would come to light one way or other , that's another thing about this waiting for me bc l really need to be seeing us and her , doesn't seem to worry her much though.

At any rate , l want to go on with the break finally now unless some answers show up. Her stuff finishes in Dec , maybe we reconnect then and can actually do something about it, we see.

[Guest_1584]

l wonder about the universe to. tIme has been really scary to me and there you go reap what you sew think it and you get it . l was aware of the damage l might be doing worrying so much about time , couldn't stop it though.

l dunno, l'd find it hard to believe there's a bigger picture somewhere else or someone, now though and all this has happened for a reason. l feel l've messed with all that now and the universes plan - it's probably out the window l feel. But there l go again that'd just be bringing more negative energy upon myself wouldn't it just like the time thing, so l better kick that out the door quick smart.

Maybe there's a reason for everything - for me when things go naturally there's always been rhyme and reasons it just isn't revealed until the reason happens. But nothings been able to happen naturally for me since my divorce that's why l can't feel answers or things coming , bc it needs to follow it's natural order but nothings been able to do that, so any order has been all messed up, that's how l tick.

Ya know what, l think despite some problems, the ex gf was the natural order and the gift that was meant to come, so many bizarre things happened in us coming together, and then there was also just the us, blew both our minds. She had some problems though buttttt, l couldn't be sure of that, they could've been more about the frustration of our situation than MH . Once again though same same , only time will tell if any of this had a reason l suppose. l worry now though as that l didn't except the gift, the universe won't be sending me any more.

[Guest_1584]

l know one thing for sure.

l've gotta get rid of this negativity.

[CMF]

Hey rx,

How are you doing?

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm , hope your comping round here your having more luck that me by the look.

Not real good atm but thanks all the same. As usual though our breaks been broken umm, or something, again , and gf has just been amazing support she really is incredible sometimes especially in those ways. 

Anyway as l was saying on the other one l'll have to check outa here for awhile , brain really needs a rest right now.

You take care eh.

Huggems. rx

[CMF]

You take care too rx.

I'll miss you my friend.

Cmf

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Checking in to see how you're doing?

Cmf