Life gets worse.

Qwerty

Hi, on top of my depression, my wife told me she is no longer in love with me, she said she doesn't know if she ever will again. We have children, I haven't got a clue what to do. It's just reinforced my idea that suicide would be a viable idea.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry it has come to this point. I've been there in every way and it is near impossible for any peer advisor to convince someone like yourself that there is indeed a future for you and your children, a very good one too, if you were to accept that this is a big hump in your life but you can climb it.

In fact prior to leaving my wife (mentally abusive she was) I had a lot of fear of my future plus I would lose me full time fatherhood. It all happened in 1996 our kids 7 and 4yo and things were different in terms of custody, so she got custody with me visits every 2nd w/end. Regardless it was tough.... for 8 weeks only. Then it all changed.

So the feeling of loss was clear but after 2 months I walked past a real estate office and saw a block of land. I was determined my girls were not going to visit my 11 foot caravan for very long so I bought it at auction. Then the greatest revelation- I was so busy clearing the house site and working 3 jobs including shift work, that I no longer was depressed. This means that in most cases if you develop a plan and keep distracted then life can work out much better. So bearing that in mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions-

do you have a hobby, sport or interest?
What are you capabilities eg renovations, carpentry, electronics etc ?
Do you have any dreams eg a business, travel etc? My daughter ;earned of my suicide attempt when she was old enough. Then she was getting married at 28yo and just prior to walking her down the aisle she said to me... "I'm so happy you made it dad". I know what she meant and a few weeks ago she announced I was to be a grandfather.

I havent seen my ex wife for 20 years. In fact when my youngest reached 18yo I told my ex wife to never contact me again under any circumstances. The reason was simple- although leaving her 14 years earlier it didnt mean I was able to avoid her entirely as school functions etc we had to converse. Those meet ups found her still the way she was during our 11 years of marriage- toxic, cruel, disrespectful. But at least I didnt have to live with her. The other thing is that 5 years after separation my eldest moved in with me and never left until university. Why? because she was treated with contempt by her mother exactly as I was. She hasnt seen her birth mother for 19 years. So I was there to be able to support my kids if they needed me.

I hope all that made sense. You can continue this conversation- just post. I log on here daily and your notification will be there.

"A father is irreplaceable... even with long gaps of contact one day they will walk along your driveway"

TonyWK

therising

Hi Qwerty

I feel for you so much at such a truly heartbreaking time for you in your life. I'm wondering whether your wife has been able to expand on why she feels in the ways she does. If what she says is she doesn't know if she will ever be in love with you again, this points to a possibility of a change of feelings. Have you been able to ask her what factors could lead to a change of feelings on her part?

I think what deeply attracts us to our partner can change over time. From my own experience, having been married to the same guy for 23 years, what I loved about my husband in the beginning of our relationship has largely changed. I've fallen out of love with a lot of those things I adored or we had in common as I've changed, personally. I've fallen in love with some of the things he does only on rare occasions (such as spending really good quality inspiring time with our kids who are 20 and 23 years old). I think our definition of what's attractive and what's lovable can change over time as we evolve in a whole number of ways. I've found to remain in love or in a mutual state of love requires action. It demands evolution of some type. How would you like to evolve and have the marriage evolve, in ways that serve the both of you?

Ggrand

Hello Dear Qwerty,

I would also like to welcome you to the forums…

Im so sorry you’re feeding so heartbroken and you’re feeling like suicide has passed through your thoughts….and you think it’s a viable idea😢….Please try hard to not listen to those thoughts…..You have beautiful children who will ALWAYS need your love and guidance throughout their lives, regardless of their ages….

When anyone gets married, we always think that it’s for life, but unfortunately sometimes things happen to destroy our hopes of staying together for life….Sometimes with counselling, or heartfelt talk’s relationships can improve….sometimes not, which can feel devastating to one or the other spouse….and it gets hard to accept…..and move on….I really do hope that maybe sooner rather then later, that a reconciliation can happen for you…but dear Qwerty, if not please always remember that your beautiful children love you so much and if you permanently remove yourself from their lives…by ending your life, they will be absolutely devastated…..

Please Dear Qwerty, reach out to your Dr. for the support that you so much deserve and need, to help you get through all this…you matter to them, you matter to your family and friends as well as us here on the forums…and we are here to help support you the best we can..

Sending you a warm caring hug and thinking of you with kindness and care…🤗.

Grandy…