Bpd break up

[Pepper]

My partner has bpd and does therapy and is also medicated, when we first started dating he reached out and said he’s got too much he needs to work through before he can consider a relationship. I didn’t reply not because I didn’t want to but because I was hurt and didn’t know how to respond, though I had a lot of respect for him sending that message. About 3 weeks later we ran into each other at the shops and he said he’d like to go out again and see where things go, we then hit it off, nothing was off limits in terms of conversation and he was very open, throughout our relationship he would say things like ‘are you sure I’m not too much’ or ‘am I good enough for you’ I would always reassure him to put his mind at ease which he appreciated and said thank you. He said he’s never had a relationship like ours, someone that actually cares so much, so affectionate and he appreciated me being by his side during the dark days. then his father passed and he started not sleeping properly, he was working more, he was saying he feels he is in his body but not there. he then said he was spiralling and said he needs space, I gave him that for 3 weeks while I got minimal communication from him though I’d reach out occasionally and say ‘I hope today feels lighter for you’ he would thank me. yesterday he told me he’s decided he can’t be in a relationship I responded giving him reassurance that I was there for him in the beginning and I still am even when he’s in a better headspace. I told him I understand he’s overwhelmed. he then said he’s serious about not being able to have a relationship.

I do feel he’s trying to protect me from the hurt he is feeling, and perhaps ashamed. I feel it’s more a trauma response, he has said ‘I know you’re only trying to help’

during the 3 weeks of minimal communication he was still affectionate towards me, when he would cuddle me he would say ‘this is lovely’

Is there hope that he will come back once his nervous system starts to regulate again and stabilise

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Pepper,

Your partner sounds like a gentle and sensitive person as do you with how caring and thoughtful you are. I’ve had some friends with bpd and I've seen it manifest in various ways. Sometimes those ways are more dramatic and sometimes they are quieter, and the symptoms sound quieter with your partner who is inwardly trying to deal with his emotions. I know that attachment can be such a huge issue in bpd, either overly attaching too intensely or withdrawing out of fear of the attachment. It sounds like he’s withdrawing at the moment and it is very likely you are right that it’s a trauma response. I can’t answer your question about whether he will come back once his nervous system starts to regulate and stabilise, but you are right, that if those things happen he may feel more able to be in the relationship again.

The best thing I can think of is to let him know you are there if and when he is ready to reconnect, that you love and care for him but understand he needs the space to work through his emotions. Hopefully he might be working on processing these emotions with his therapist. 

A while back I read about an approach with bpd that’s had quite a bit of success with it called Trauma Informed Stabilisation Treatment. It’s also used for complex ptsd which is something I have. He may be doing something like that already with his therapist. It’s often a case of building up the inner parts of self that are really struggling and afraid, developing a relationship with those parts of self which then makes relationships with others in the external world easier. It’s a process though and takes time to work with the vulnerable parts. One way of looking at it might be to help validate the parts in him that are scared and anxious. At the same time it’s really important you take care of yourself too. If you have a safe and healthy boundary around your own well being, that may be stabilising for him too, if that makes sense?

Take good care of yourself and know that we are here to chat more if you like. You sound like such a lovely, caring person and I hope things can work out, but just go gently in the meantime and take each day as it comes.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray