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Learning to do it on my own

happilyeverafter
Community Member

So I have spent the last 2 years in a toxic relationship with someone I loved so much it hurts. This relationship quickly followed a 13 year relationship with my children's Dad. I don't know how to be alone. Some days I feel strong, but most days I'm in a complete state of panic! I'm so lonely and just want to be loved by someone, which causes me to go out and look. I know I'm not ready, but I find keeping my mind active and sleeping with new guys prematurely numbs the pain. I don't want to be like this, but I can't help it. I should be focusing on myself and the kids, but being a single Mum is so hard at times and I find it so hard to be alone at the end of the night.... Can anybody else relate?

4 Replies 4

kanga_brumby
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Happilyeverafter, I was not in a toxic relationship. But my partner died after a seven year marriage. She left me with two beautiful ( who drive me mad every day ( I still love them to bits) children. I wouldn't change it for any amount of money. Because I am a male most women I have met since. Don't want much to do with me because I have children. Or I check on them and they have too many problems ( drink, drugs, other problems I don't want my children involved in). It's hard being a single parent. You always put your kids first. But you need YOU TIME. Plus you need to feel loved as an adult person. Your children cannot do this at any time. So your not alone many others like you and I are in the same boat. Hopefully one day you will again meet a special person who will ring all your bells and blow your whistles as well. I wish you all the luck in this endevor.

Kanga

pipsy
Community Member

Dear happilyeverafter. Being both mum and dad is exhausting. Having to constantly make decisions on your own about everything wears you out. You get to the point where any man is better than no man. All you want is to be loved for who you are as opposed to what you are. You sleep with someone because you want to believe, this time he's the one. You are on a merry-go-round of emotional numbness, getting off means feeling the unbearable pain of alone. How old are the kids? Perhaps you could start getting involved with some of their activities, that way, you would meet other parents (possibly other solo parents) who could share the load with you. I was similar to you, I had two kids and I was involved in a toxic, violent relationship. I actually joined my local church as they had a social club for young solo parents. Through this, I met some great people who made me feel so welcome and part of their group. Fast forward over 30 years later. My kids are grown, married etc. I kept in contact with many of the people I met and this really got me through my 'dark' times. Being a solo parent 'sucks', it can change though, you can change it. I actually have a wonderful, supportive bf who has been my rock through my latest divorce. Don't be too hard on yourself, self judgement is negative. Joining the church social club doesn't necessarily mean you have to be 'religious', that's a personal choice.

Lynda

Thanks Lynda and Kanga. I guess I just keep finding myself in a downward spiral, seeking validation from the wrong people to make me feel good. I have confidence, but have never taken the initiative to put ME first for a change. I don't even know who I am anymore...

My children are 4 and 5. They are amazing and seeing the world through their eyes gives me strength at times. As soon as I'm left alone without them, I go into panic and find myself going down a dangerous path of excessive drinking and meeting with people for a short term fix.

Kanga, that must have been really hard for you. I hope you find the person you are looking for.

Lynda, getting into other social groups is a great idea. Church isn't really my thing, but I have lots of single friends to hang out with... I tend to avoid hanging with people when I feel low though. I don't want to bring them down

Dear happilyeverafter. The church suggestion was just a thought. I agree, church isn't everybody's cup of tea, my bf is actually an atheist. He never 'knocked' the church idea, but I did find some comfort for a while and I did meet some great people. Excessive drinking is not a good path to follow as that can lead to problems that you don't need. I'm actually a recovering alcoholic so drink to me is 'out'. The validation you seek is possibly because you need to know you're not alone in the world. Your kids would love you, but that kind of goes with the territory and sometimes kids love just isn't enough. Hanging out with people when you're feeling low sometimes can be the perfect 'pick me up' as you tend to forget yourself and enjoy the company. Have a look in your local paper or online and see if there's a social group who meets during the day or early evening. I know there are some social clubs who meet for daytime 'line dancing', that can be heaps of fun. Trying to remember the steps for line dancing can be hilarious too.

Lynda