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Exhausted in my relationship. Do I keep trying

Community Member

My fiance and I have been together for over a year. Her work gives her long, tiring days and she often comes home stressed and annoyed. She will pick at small things like if I havent mopped the floor or the dishes arent done (even if the rest of the house is clean). I wake up with her at 5:30 every morning, make her a coffee and cook her breakfast, pack her lunch and then when she goes to work clean everything up, then usually go to work, come home, study (bachelor of nursing), then cook tea. I dont earn nearly as much as her but I pay for all the groceries which she never has to think about, pay for half the bills and put money towards the mortgage.

I feel as though she doesnt appreciate any of it! We argue about small things, if I have upset her she will turn her phone off. I have tried talking through problems but she overreacts to a lot of things and it is very hard! I find myself apologising for things I havent done wrong to try and calm her down.

The other day I had a friend over looking at our kittens and at the same time her sister "While I was on the phone to her sister she tried getting in contact me. I messaged her after saying sorry I was on the phone and she said "thought youd be busy, my phones flat talk later" so I said "okay babe I love you talk soon" and she got extremely mad. I ended up apologising for not ringing her (even though her phone was flat??"

I dont know if i should keep trying, I love more her more than anything, but each time we argue like this I feel exhausted and dont know if i can do it again..

5 Replies 5

Community Member

Hi Kal,

I feel your pain. Good on you first of all for taking action and speaking on the website forum. Have you considered seeing a marriage therapist? It can be quite good in mediating conversations having a neutral 3rd party who can listen to both perspectives.

My psychiatrist told me 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. I'm not saying this to coerce you to do anything with your marital aspirations, but I found that figure alarming and really sad. I'd recommend a first step to go to counselling together. Look after yourself too through it all.


Community Member
Thank you Bob, I have thought about it. I really want to try and work it between us first but it is looking like that might be the answer.

Community Member

Hi Kal

Better now than later trust me. So just to clarify, you are studying nursing and working part time/casual? How many days a week do you work? Is the mortgage in both of your names?

It's a tricky situation to be in. It doesn't sound like you are in a good position to earn much - yet. That will change of course and if you get through your studies you will be the one coming home at odd hours, working 7 days rosters etc. How's she going to like that?

What you're doing is trying harder and harder not to piss her off by essentially being her butler. And guess what? She's still being a complete grump when she gets home and takes it out on you, even though you're trying harder and harder!

Most importantly, how is your sex life? Is this an area in your relationship that's doing ok? I wouldn't be surprised if it's not.

So my advice for you is to stop being her butler. Sure, it's important to do the housework, especially if she's the one working the longest (for now) - because you want to work together as a team, however stop being her butler. If you're making a coffee for yourself, sure make her one. But don't go out of your way to do it. Don't make her lunch. If she rings you during the day - don't answer for a change. Be "unavailable" for once.

Do you catch up with male friends regularly? This is REALLY important. You need to get back to your male roots. Get out and do guy things away from her every once in a while. Have a cool hobby.

Boundaries. If she is unreasonable either in what she's requesting or what she's arguing with you about tell her. Tell her it's not cool to talk to you in certain tones and you'll talk to her when she's calmed down. Don't enter her "frame" - meaning if she rings you and gets mad, don't take the bait and enter into an argument (don't lose your temper). If she starts "going off" act cool and move on to something else (leave if nec). If she can't respect your boundaries then there is something wrong with her and I would be very very cautious about a future with this lady.

It might be valuable for you to get individual counselling if your worried about next steps on how to handle the situation. But it sounds like the way things are going - without some changes made by yourself in the first instance to create some firm boundaries, nothing will improve and you'll be locked into marriage and children.........Might also be worth getting Dr Robert Glover's "No More Mr Nice Guy" on iBooks - you might find some help there too.

Community Member

Hi Kal,

Sorry to hear you are experiencing difficulty in your relationship. Sounds like you are her slave. Mate I have been out of my relationship with my girlfriend with a similar attitude to yours for over a year now.

You deserve better, don't be someone's door mat, have a serious chat with her to resolve the issues. If that doesn't work, leaving the relationship is better for the long term, 18 months of immature, argumentative GF was enough. There are plenty of nice girls who would appreciate you and work as a team with you. Your girl seems like she is spoilt and taken you for granted.


Take Care


Community Member

Hello everyone, thank you so much for your support and replies.

Just to clarify I am too a female.. I have spoken to my partner and had a serious conversation about her behaviour and manner towards me. I told her I would like to start again, I want to work out this relationship. We spoke about the way we would resolve arguements or if one of us had a problem, to relax more and not nit-pick on the small things, give each other more time to do the things we love either with each other or without. We are doing amazing.

I knew that her behavior was out of the ordinary, I sat her down and spoke to her about this talked about needing to change and we are working on it.