Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

wanted_a_simple_life Letting Go
  • replies: 4

Im about 4 months into my seperation and it looks like we are not getting back together. My wife has cheated on me for six months now and continues to deny she is in a relationship. She claims I broke her, but she is going out with another person. I ... View more

Im about 4 months into my seperation and it looks like we are not getting back together. My wife has cheated on me for six months now and continues to deny she is in a relationship. She claims I broke her, but she is going out with another person. I feel like I have failed my kids by not keeping the marriage together, but it was her choice. Its time to let go, but I find its very hard to do. I cant see myself with another person as she has spoken so many bad things about me, who would ever want me......

wanted_a_simple_life When Her Family Lies Too
  • replies: 4

Im finding my seperated wifes family lying. I know that blood is thicker than water, but they could atleast admit it and just say we stand by her no matter what she has done. It really has hurt me cause I have put them first in a lot of situations in... View more

Im finding my seperated wifes family lying. I know that blood is thicker than water, but they could atleast admit it and just say we stand by her no matter what she has done. It really has hurt me cause I have put them first in a lot of situations in our married life. I have asked them to prove me wrong with the information that she started an affair whilst married to me, but they say the social media accounts where I get this information from were hacked??? They say the police are investigating, but I havent heard anything since.....

wanted_a_simple_life My Seperated Wife In Denial
  • replies: 2

Its been six months now since my wife met someone on a cruise and started an emotional relationship with. I suspect it was physical on the cruise as the amount of alcohol she has admitted to consuming was excessive.She even took her wedding rings off... View more

Its been six months now since my wife met someone on a cruise and started an emotional relationship with. I suspect it was physical on the cruise as the amount of alcohol she has admitted to consuming was excessive.She even took her wedding rings off on the cruise and I have the photos to prove it. She denies she is in a relationship with him, but he posted on facebook that she is his girlfriend and wants to propose to her at the end of the year. I confronted her with this information and she said his facebook account was hacked by someone. She has painted a really bad picture of me to her family and is using that as a cover as her family does not know she is in this relationship. Everyone close to us knows she is not telling the truth and she has pushed away friends that challenge her on this.I have caught her before texting guys behind my back and when I have confronted her about it, she denied it initially until I showed her the evidence then moved to downplay it by saying she can have close guy friends as girlfriends are bitchy etc. She has made selfish decisions by moving and relocating my kids in order to hide what she is doing. Our close friends say she is so selfish and continues to make decisions that are in the best interests for her, not the kids. Her parents dont know whats going on and totally believe her story about me. They are going to find out very soon and I know they are going to react to this information and so will she. Im over seeing all this happen and my kids getting dragged through this in order for her to have an affair. I miss my kids so much.

BGA Lost, Confused, Feeling Numb
  • replies: 1

I am still with my current partner, and becuase of a few infidelities in our relationship we are on a rocky road. After a long discussion we have siad we will push forward, however I feel it maybe for our childrens sake. I want to work through our is... View more

I am still with my current partner, and becuase of a few infidelities in our relationship we are on a rocky road. After a long discussion we have siad we will push forward, however I feel it maybe for our childrens sake. I want to work through our issues, she says she does but with stipulations that suit her and no room for give and take. My gut feeling is she doesnt want to be the one to split up out family, so she may be driving a wedge. I need some advise through this situation: *advise from fathers that have left their partners and does it work *How are the kids going to cope *how do I move forward without her opening up Im lost and confused which is leaving me feeling numb inside, and im not sure if this numbness ghas me over thinking the situation.

wanted_a_simple_life My girls were my world
  • replies: 13

My world has been turned upside down 15 weeks ago when my wife no longer wanted me. We had been together for 10 years, married for 8 and have two of the most beautiful girls a Dad could hope for. We always had our ups and downs and yes Ive said stupi... View more

My world has been turned upside down 15 weeks ago when my wife no longer wanted me. We had been together for 10 years, married for 8 and have two of the most beautiful girls a Dad could hope for. We always had our ups and downs and yes Ive said stupid things in the heat of the moment, but generally we had a good marriage but always had room for improvement. We were so busy most of the time with everything we had to do in life and looking back we really didnt invest into our marriage enough and slowly things got worse and we fought more and more. After we seperated we went to counselling where I found my wife not giving an inch and blaming me for leaving her a broken person. Im a bit old school and worked tirelessly to give my girls a great home and life and sacrificed myself in doing it. I also spent a lot of time with the girls during thier activities they chose to do. I always thought if I did this, my wife would still love me, but obviously I havent emotionally met her needs and have found out someone else is now. I feel so robbed that Im going to miss a large chunk of my girls growing up as my wife has moved away in order to distance herself from the things that will eventually catch up with her in the relationship she has formed. Im so frustrated that she has painted a really bad picture about me to her family that they dont want to talk to me and therefore delay them finding out about her new relationship. I really want to tell them my side of the story as I have proof beyond doubt that she is a new relationship, but they dont want a bar of it. There are other people who know this information as they found it too after being suspcious as to why she had left me, but no one has told her immeadiate family. What should I do??

rustic_charm my husband had 5 one night stands in our first 10yrs of marrage
  • replies: 13

i have been married for 28 yrs im only 46yrs old now , and have just learn 4weeks ago that my husband had slept or had 5 one night stands in our first 10yrs of marrage,, i have had my world shattered i love him and want to keep our marrage but im so ... View more

i have been married for 28 yrs im only 46yrs old now , and have just learn 4weeks ago that my husband had slept or had 5 one night stands in our first 10yrs of marrage,, i have had my world shattered i love him and want to keep our marrage but im so brocken i dont no how to fix myself ,, i dont like feeling like this

nettle what is more important for children when a marriage ends?
  • replies: 7

I am really stressed out trying to figure out what to do. My marriage is over and this is very hard for me to bear but I know it's the right thing. We have 3 children together and are still living all together until we figure out a plan. Our marriage... View more

I am really stressed out trying to figure out what to do. My marriage is over and this is very hard for me to bear but I know it's the right thing. We have 3 children together and are still living all together until we figure out a plan. Our marriage broke down because my husband was physically and verbally abusive toward me and the children, especially the children, and I couldnt live with that. We seperated before, got help and got back together, but now we know its not working. He is still verbally abusive and the pressure of trying to control his temper means he is usualy very antisocial at home and doesnt put much effort into relationships. I am trying to decide what is more important for our children in a seperation - a well supported mum OR maintaining continuity of their everday life. Their dad has said he will not be in a position to share custody as he plans to move into a friends place or his parents and save heaps of money. I have no support here at all. I was thinking of moving interstate , where we used to live 2.5 years ago, to be closer to my support. It would also be slightly cheaper to live there as rent is cheaper. This is a place that is familiar to the children as 2 of them have spent most of their lives there. I feel like this would give me the best shot at recovering from this break up and moving forward. But I worry that moving would hurt my kids. They would have to be away from their dad and his family. However their dad seems ok with this and they dont see a great deal of his family for the most part. But I know my kids will care. They would have to change schools too, and we will only be able to take very limited things with us and no furniture. I worry that this much upheaval will be bad for the children at this time in their lives.

Thewonderer Relationship breakup
  • replies: 10

Hello.. I am new to this and am writing in the hopes that maybe someone out there will respond.. I have battled with depression for the last 5 years due to failed relationships. It all started when my ex fiance left me for someone else and through fa... View more

Hello.. I am new to this and am writing in the hopes that maybe someone out there will respond.. I have battled with depression for the last 5 years due to failed relationships. It all started when my ex fiance left me for someone else and through facebook I realised he was cheating on me and ended up getting the girl pregnant. They are married now with two kids... Somehow I have managed to get past all of that betrayal and pain. A few years later I met someone who I thought was so incredible. Understood me, valued me and put me first. However later I realised he was quite selfish and that he changed a lot from the person he was in the beginning with me. He isnt a bad person, but i guess still young and immature. We broke up about 7months ago after a serious relationship, talking about marriage and a life together.. and yesterday I found out he is moving to the US with his new of a few months girlfriend. I am shattered. I just cannot fathom how I ended up in a very similar predicament once again. I feel so much pain, I just cant handle it anymore my heart feels like its going to burst. I am a student and have lost all interest in my studies. I can't focus and there are many moments I feel like I cant go on. I feel like it sounds so stupid and that there are people out there with so much more pain they deal with.. but I just don't know how I will get through this one. I have a very supportive family and circle of friends and I love them for always looking out for me, so I feel blessed for that. Yet right now, I feel so lost and downtrodden. I don't know who will care to read this, but perhaps knowing I have put this out there maybe someone who also feels this way will know they aren't alone. I haven't said a word to anyone for two days, i just cant speak. So I came here. Thank you for reading.

samara__ Lost the love of my life - my fault
  • replies: 2

I know Im going to cop alot of flac for this but I honestly need some advice. I cheated on my fiance and he understandably left me. Im heartbroken and so is he but we both know its not a cut and dry scenario. I have loved him for over a decade and we... View more

I know Im going to cop alot of flac for this but I honestly need some advice. I cheated on my fiance and he understandably left me. Im heartbroken and so is he but we both know its not a cut and dry scenario. I have loved him for over a decade and we have been through so much together. I didnt cheat because i fell out of love with him or found someone else i was attracted to more. I cant even fully understand why i even did it. I feel like it was a build up of a truly mucked up past year.We suffered a miscarriage and were trying again for another. We fell pregnant again but a few months later found out that the baby had major defects and were strongly advised by the doctors to terminate the pregnancy. I didnt seek counselling after and this was a major mistake. While he was able to accept it and move on ive been suffering so much guilt and depression over It. Anytime I tried to talk about it he got so sad and i felt guiltier so i just kept it all in.A few months later i seriously injured myself at work and was essentially pushed out of my job. My injury caused chronic pain and requires surgery but as Im not a good candidate for surgery they have tried to fix it without. My partner being the type of 'pain only being in your head' was pretty unsupportive so i just tried to tough it out again. He started getting frustrated because i wasnt able to do the things i could before because he honestly just didnt understand but it really hurt.Then he came home from the doctors and told me the doctors suspected he had an std. At that point the thought of cheating had never even crossed my mind so this voice in my head told me it had to be him. So i reached out to a friend, things got out of control and we slept together. I have never felt so sick about something in my life. If you asked me now why i let it get that far i honestly cant tell you. I love my now ex fiance to my core. By the time i got home he already knew.Is there any way anyone can see to recover our relationship? Or should I do what I have been doing and just being here when he needs me but otherwise leave him alone?

ocean_dreams Self sabotage destroyed my relationship
  • replies: 2

I've had depression on and off since I was a teenager. My partner has had depression too & have been with him for nearly 2 yrs, but as of last week he told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. We haven't had the easiest of relationships, when we... View more

I've had depression on and off since I was a teenager. My partner has had depression too & have been with him for nearly 2 yrs, but as of last week he told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. We haven't had the easiest of relationships, when we met mid 2013 we were both volunteering & unemployed (I am a geologist & I had not long left university early 2012, he works in the automotive industry in a niche area). I got a job in 2013 & he got a job at the end 2013. Things seemed to be going well. We decided to move out together in Feb 2014, only for him to be fired in March (long story & very much not his fault). During March I had to go on 2 trips overseas which I couldn't cancel. I still feel guilty for it now for not being there for him. I had a high pressure and stressful job, the commute daily up to 3hrs rtn & would come home exhausted & pass out on the couch leaving him alone again. He eventually got a job while I was away on my 2nd trip which I was so happy for him. Eventually we were both stressed out with the commute, so we moved & we had our sanity back. Meanwhile I was still stressed & still falling asleep on the couch. I left my job due to the stress (lack of support from direct manager) & decided to start a business so I could work doing something I love. The past 7 months have been awful, I have struggled with starting my business & spiraled back into depression. My partner did so much to help me but because of my mind set I didn't accept it. He too has felt depressed with his job & with health. I saw my doc in Oct last year & went back on anti depressants which I had to wean myself off slowly because they made me feel zombie-esque despite being on a low dose. The brain fog was awful. My partner pleaded with me to see a psych but I wouldn't because I had bad experiences in the past with them. I am struggling with why would anyone want to listen to me, what I have to offer. My partner has always encouraged me and lifted me up.. I struggle to believe in it. He ask how I was going with everything & lied to him because I was ashamed to say I was failing & struggling. I am now faced with being without him as he says he needs to be alone. He said he has tried so much to help me but doesn't know what to do, can't deal with it anymore. I am worried for him being alone. He says he still loves & cares for me & wants to see me get on my feet. I feel like this is all my fault, because of self sabotage my relationship has fallen apart.