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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Amali Anxious about contacting my ex
  • replies: 6

i have been single now for 10 months after a traumatic break up. My ex lied to me and made some poor decisions including taking steroids that made him very unpredictable and unreliable. I loved him and I think I still feel that for him but being with... View more

i have been single now for 10 months after a traumatic break up. My ex lied to me and made some poor decisions including taking steroids that made him very unpredictable and unreliable. I loved him and I think I still feel that for him but being with him was no good for health. So I ended things very abruptly after an incident that pushed me over the edge. His mother passed away 3 years this Wednesday and I am struggling to decide what is the best way to deal with it. I have stayed strictly no contact, even though he rang and texted a lot when we first broke up. I feel guilty for shutting him out, and hope he's doing ok and want to tell him I'm thinking of him but I also know that contacting him could just make things harder for both of us. Any advice on this would be appreciated.

Aram grief over depressed partner leaving
  • replies: 1

Hi! My partner of six years moved out this week saying he could no longer be with me. He says he still cares for me but cannot cope living with me and my kids as a family any longer. His decision seems to have come at a time when I have observed his ... View more

Hi! My partner of six years moved out this week saying he could no longer be with me. He says he still cares for me but cannot cope living with me and my kids as a family any longer. His decision seems to have come at a time when I have observed his depression worsening, increased alcohol use and a general withdrawal from activities which may help lift his mood. He seems to blame me and the relationships with me and my kids for his worsening depression. He has refused to seek assistance for his negative thoughts and for a number of weeks has been saying he is a waste of space and will always be. It is so hard to accept his leaving when he is so down and the hurt of his rejecting and pushing me away is immense even though I sense it is his depression talking. Now I am in full blown grief and struggling to let go of him when I do not want to...

Morenaa Unwanted wife - I am lost what should I do?
  • replies: 2

I don't know what to do: I have been with my husband for 11 years, been married for 8 year...My husband told me yesterday that he does not have the same feeling towards me but he still loves me: I am so confused and does not understand what it means?... View more

I don't know what to do: I have been with my husband for 11 years, been married for 8 year...My husband told me yesterday that he does not have the same feeling towards me but he still loves me: I am so confused and does not understand what it means? Our marriage has been up and down as all marriage are with one exception: He said that his been talking to other girls on Facebook & change his status as single...when I asked him if he's cheated on me he said that he have not cheated on me but I think he's lying..he's always on his mobile and when I asked who is messaging him....he always said that he's checking his email plus everytime we go out he always checking out other girls or stare at them up & down makes me feel so uncomfortable and when I tell him to stop looking at other girls he gets angry at me I get really upset and have no family to talk to about this and they are all overseas: and I feel embarrassed talking to my friends about this as I feel that he's disrespected me and I don't want my friends to feel that he's a bad person. I am stupid for letting him doing this? I told him if we can work things out and he doesn't want to work things out because he doesn't think that its going to work He's ready to move on and its so hard for me to move on because he's my first partner /husband.I feel that he just broke my heart in many pieces and that's its going to be hard to put them back together..HELP ME I need to prepare myself and move on but its so hard: what do I do?

Dreaming14 Separated - the final straw was a phone call from my husband just now
  • replies: 5

i am not sure where to start but its yet another day like this that makes me wonder what I did wrong again. i am mid 30, have two children one in primary one yet to start, and what used to be a great husband. who left me towards the end of 2013 after... View more

i am not sure where to start but its yet another day like this that makes me wonder what I did wrong again. i am mid 30, have two children one in primary one yet to start, and what used to be a great husband. who left me towards the end of 2013 after 9 yrs of marriage and 12 yrs together. he was my everything. he said he wanted to spend time with his family, mainly his mother, who just didn't like me no matter how hard I tried ( and yes i really did try, i wanted her to be happy i was married to her son). we tried counselling but that was just a waste of time and money. he moved out with friends then decided he wanted the house as he didn't want to pay for it if i was living there, leaving me to move back in with my parents with my two kids, 120kms from where we knew 'home'. meant changing schools and agghhh was just simply hard. move fwd, he hired a lawyer, has spent thousands on fees, court costs and now I've got a lawyer. after 18 months he's ruined me. i have only just managed to get the kids to see him on weekends, they come home totally upset, having nightmares and saying they don't want to go back (he has now got a new girlfriend who has 2 kids of similar ages) he complains to me that he loves his kids but they are misbehaving and have bad language.. this totally upsets me as i know our kids are not perfect but nobody is. they are 3 and 7... hardly grown up and the eldest really misses not having her mummy and daddy living together. the final straw has come with a phone call from him just now... i used to run a small after school business teaching sport activities, his lawyer did a report to say its worth 90k a year... where do i earn that much???!! i wish. i pretty much gave up my career when i married him and had kids... have moved further and further away from my friends and family so he could progress in his work.. now he's on his 200k a year job, got our house (i had no income and no money and he cut up my cards when he left so i couldn't pay mortgage) .. him and his lawyer are taking me to court to prove i closed down my after school business just so i could get more from him.. it feels horrible. i loved and trusted this man for years, now i get horrid phone calls, abusive texts and messages. i even changed my mobile number but was forced to give it to him.. his sister even sends abusive messages saying I'm not worthy. i hate life, i love my kids but I'm sick of crying and feeling like such a failure.

g2015 Brother in prison, Mum depressed?
  • replies: 3

Hi all. I’m after some advice to help with my Mum. I’m not sure if she is depressed but I know she’s definitely not the same as she used to be. 10 years ago my brother was arrested and sentenced to 22 years in prison. Obviously a huge shock to our fa... View more

Hi all. I’m after some advice to help with my Mum. I’m not sure if she is depressed but I know she’s definitely not the same as she used to be. 10 years ago my brother was arrested and sentenced to 22 years in prison. Obviously a huge shock to our family. I won’t say what he did but you may be able to work it out based on the time he got. There is a lot to the story which I won’t go into here, not relevant for now. In the first few months of my brothers arrest/prison time etc a lot of Mum’s friends and family distanced themselves and “cut her off” in the end which didn’t help. Mum and I have stood by my brother and will continue to do so until he is released. In the early days, counselling was offered for us but we, at the time, believed it wouldn’t help and we could get through this ourselves. Mum had not many friends and even now the couple she still has don’t know about my brother because she fears that telling them would drive them away too. I tell her if they are really your friends they won’t but that doesn’t help. I on the other hand have had the opposite. None of my friends have turned their backs on me so I can’t understand what Mum has been through. She keeps telling me that “I don’t understand the way she feels because I’m not a parent” and ok maybe I don’t know what she’s been through as a Mother of a Son in prison but I’m trying to. I have dealt with this a lot better than Mum, I slowly got used to the fact my brother wasn’t around anymore, even though we still see him regularly, write letters, phone calls etc. I’ve been with my partner for almost 7 years and married for 2. Mum more or less refuses to even acknowledge my Wife, she never asks about her, never sees her and shows no interest in our lives together. This makes us sad, angry and annoyed but I desperately want to help Mum past this. She doesn’t see any problem and every time I bring it up, try to talk to her about it she gets defensive and angry and pushes me away. She thinks I’m overreacting and being stupid. Mum doesn’t see my wife as I said, she saw her once last year and so far once this year but she basically ignored her. I confronted her about it and again she didn’t see a problem. In her mind I think she believes that she has “lost” one Son already and now she’s losing the other one (me) because I’m still living my life, carrying on and she isn’t. I could go on but I’ll stop here. Thanks for reading, any advice/help would be greatly appreciated.

JMZ Deciding to Seperate
  • replies: 6

Hi, Im 40, been married for 14 years and have 2 children. My relationship with my husband has never been real good. We have had many ups and downs. There has been abuse (both kinds) and I have repeatedly forgiven him. We have been in and out of thera... View more

Hi, Im 40, been married for 14 years and have 2 children. My relationship with my husband has never been real good. We have had many ups and downs. There has been abuse (both kinds) and I have repeatedly forgiven him. We have been in and out of therapy which only helps for a while until there is a breakdown again. There are so many problems I don't know where to begin. We both have NO family support at all which is the main reason why it has been so hard to leave. I have no one to turn to. I have almost left 3 times but when it come to the crunch I stayed, too scared to be alone and have a lonely life for my children. I used to talk to my friends but they all back away so I cant talk to them at all, or they tell me to just leave. I have some money but at the moment my husband is unemployed, he is not motivated to look for work and not motivated in much really. I feel like I am failing my children by staying with him. He does not treat them well at times either. Then other times he can be amazing with them. I have low grade depression and anxiety. My grandfather, uncle and brother all committing suicide. My husbands family hate me and they say I am the cause for them not speaking to us. I feel like I want to be happy and I want my children to have a happier life without the arguments between parents. We have tried and tried to make it work but always after a few months there is another argument/incident. I know I need to find a house but how does one go about leaving? What if I do it and the regret it? What if my children are worse off? Lots if what ifs! Not sure who to turn to or where to go for advice but feeling over it all and depressed with no self esteem.

Jay95 Mum very sick in hospital - feeling confused.
  • replies: 2

My mum, who I have never had a good relationship with is currently in the intensive care unit. I've never had a very good relationship with her with issues surrounding, domestic violence, abuse and neglect. So obviously our relationship is quite bad.... View more

My mum, who I have never had a good relationship with is currently in the intensive care unit. I've never had a very good relationship with her with issues surrounding, domestic violence, abuse and neglect. So obviously our relationship is quite bad. Despite her ability to manipulate me into her abusive behaviour, we're still in contact, no matter how hard I try to get away she won't leave. Mum is a heavy drug user and always has been. I've never gotten along with her so having her in hospital is so confusing to me. Nobody wants to see their mother in hospital but look at what she's done to me! This same thing happened with my Dad last year, he died. Such a confusing time. It's like being in two worlds, you want to cry because your parent is in hospital fighting for their life, but you sort of want to cheer because your free from the pain they caused you. I sound like a horrible person but you have to be in this position to know what I mean by cheer and the relief you feel.

Milly89 I feel so lonely and don't know how to make new friends
  • replies: 3

Hi, This is the first time I have posted anything on here, so here I go! i believe that I have suffered from some form of depression for many years now but have never done anything about it. 2 years ago I left my hometown and moved in with my boyfrie... View more

Hi, This is the first time I have posted anything on here, so here I go! i believe that I have suffered from some form of depression for many years now but have never done anything about it. 2 years ago I left my hometown and moved in with my boyfriend at the time, we have since separated. I now live alone and find myself feeling very lonely and upset a lot of the time. I notice this is worse when I get home after visiting my family back home. I have always struggled to make friends, especially as I've gotten older. I only have one friend where I live now and no family. I have tried to make new friends but I lack the confidence to just put myself out there. i have a job that I really like but most of the time I just want to give it up and move back home so I am closer to my family. I just find myself to be sad and miserable a lot of the time. I always feel jealous of my brother and sister who seem to be able to make friends with anyone they meet, they both have heaps of friends that they are always socialising with and just wish I could be more like them.

weapingtears Hit rock bottom!
  • replies: 9

Seven years ago i had the unfortunate luck of finding out my wife had cheated on me while away on an event. While it was a depressing and extremly hard time ( I think i was frightned of what could happen if we parted), i got over it and moved. While ... View more

Seven years ago i had the unfortunate luck of finding out my wife had cheated on me while away on an event. While it was a depressing and extremly hard time ( I think i was frightned of what could happen if we parted), i got over it and moved. While she promised not to go on this event again. At some some stage in the next yea i was home feeling unwell with the kids while she went up the road for drinks for a friends send off. An hour become hours and eventually she arrived home and i could smell it on her. She confessed she had been with someone. Again in fear for myself i guess i let it go and moved on. Now to be fair to her here. This is where I now did something stupid. I think out of spite hurt i dont know. She found out and i thought she was going to leave me, it neally killed me. Eventually we passed over that and a couple of years went passed uneventful. She went away to do a course for five days but tweaked my concern was when she wanted to back for a refresher course a few months later. I was worried! Two days later i receive a call from an irate "wife", she had found text meassges on her husbands phone and when quizzed said they (my wife and him had intimate encounter). Again my heart sunk like the titanic, but again i was scared of what may happen if i didnt let it go. Slowly we have got back to some sort of normal life until two years again my wife wanted to go back to the "Event". I agreed but but my concerns very clear and she assured me nothing would happen etc. To my best knowledge nothing did she was very loving with texts etc pics and phonecalls for the two week period. As we were under the pressure financially last year she did not attend but went again this year. Now she was very cold from the minute she left, barley spoke on the phone to me ignored most of my messages and two days before she come sent me a message and says oh at the end of the month there is no money left.... I fear she has gone a had an affair again while away and blames me for our financial situation. As iam a primary producer our income is all and sometimes nothing. We have fought for the last few days she hasnt come near me since she returned. She is hiding her phone messages from me which i suspect are from "someone". Last night she says she wants it over she cant be here anymore! Iam devastated for me but for our two children who dont deserve this to happen. I just dont know if i have anything left........

Mary_Jane My children are all grown and gone
  • replies: 2

Hi - I am new to this. I have probably suffered from depression for most of my life but am only starting to realise it. I'm not coping very well at the moment and have started new medication which is messing with my head. My children are all grown an... View more

Hi - I am new to this. I have probably suffered from depression for most of my life but am only starting to realise it. I'm not coping very well at the moment and have started new medication which is messing with my head. My children are all grown and gone, all sons with three married and the youngest still single. I have gained a daughter-in-law and lost two sons through their marriages. I wonder what the point of it all was - having children - when you pour your life out for them and then they leave with hardly a backward glance. Thirty years of my life and now I have to find other things to do. My grandchildren are too far away and so involved in their other families that we don't see them much, unless we make the effort. Hardly seems fair. I'm tired of always being the one to make the effort. I'm wondering if I have divulged too much but would welcome some support from others who know what it's like. Regards Mary Jane