Lost Again.

[Styxx]

I am feeling lost and hurt right now, yet again. Having moved back into our home with my teenage daughter late last year after my wife told us to leave for 12 months following a long period of chaos in our family caused by our daughter, the relationship between my wife and I has taken another dive. Our daughter who has mental health issues, was suspended from school 3 weeks ago for verbally abusing a teacher. Shortly after I picked her up from school she hit me several times,. I told her to get out of the car and not come home. She has been couch surfing, staying with friends we think since then. The trouble now is that my wife once again does not want her back in our home. I understand my wife's concerns because she has been on the receiving end of much of my daughters behaviour for many years. My wife wants us to cut ties completely and let her go with no more contact. I am concerned for my daughters safety and education if we do that as she is still at school and under 18. My wife sees this as me aligning with my daughter and not her again. She has told me that she is moving out as I will never change and that she is done with our marriage. I love my wife but I don't know which way I should go. I know my wife and I have dealt with so many issues where our daughter is concerned it has worn us down. But also I feel a responsibility toward my daughters safety and well being as well as hoping one day as she gets older things will settle and we can be a close family again. We have arranged so much support for her but she refuses any help. It is so difficult living with someone with her mental health condition, it has destroyed our family. I guess I feel a sense of anger toward my daughter for having put us through all this but I also feel hurt by my wife because she is making me choose a path to go without us helping each other through this. I don't know which way to go.

[Croix]

Dear Styxx~

I'm sorry you are in this position and I'm sure find the whole thing very painful, confusing and upsetting.

I have read a previous post of yours dealing with your family situation and I guess looking from the outside you are trying to deal with two people over whom you have no great influence.

The difference between those two people is that one is a competent adult and one is a young person under 18 and still at school to whom I'm sure you feel a responsibility as a parent (just mentioning you picked her up from school shows you are concerned for her welfare and wish to continue, even after her hitting you).

My view of that is as I parent I owe my child food, shelter, education, medical care and love and have to cut an awful lot of slack.

It may be that you can't provide all of these all the time, but if it was me I'd have to try and keep trying. While I'm limited in what I can say in deference to others I can say I understand some of the problems trying to care for an offspring with MH issues - not easy at all.

A female young person couch-surfing is in a very dangerous position, one step from homelessness and all the permanent tragedies that can entail.

I'm afraid that if your wife takes the attitude she does not want a part of her daughter then there's not much you can do but try to soldier on. Nobody can be everything everybody wants and I think your wife highly unreasonable to expect you to choose.

How is your own support? Do you have friends or family you can talk to who will care and try to help?

Please feel free to talk as much as you would like, you will find care and understanding here.

Croix

[kanga_brumby]

Styxx in my way I understand your pain. As my daughter has just turned 18 this year. and still going to school. She has a learning disability learning a little slower than some still a bright thing though. Because of our home situation and talking to teachers/ friends etc. She found out she is of legal age to leave home. But still not educated enough or mature enough to work her financial stuff out with out help. But she decided to leave home. Her mother died in 2004 from cancer. So it's just her and her brother with me. I cannot force her to return. But all I can do is be there as her farther and adviser. The thing is they are always your babies you have to just hope they come around to a more mature way of thinking. By letting go. Thats the hurtfull thing your daughter may settle down in time, no promices. But she is worth it.

Kanga

[quirkywords]

Styxx

Your post is very touching to me because I can relate to your daughter but also now feel guilty as I read about your pain. Over 40 years ago when I was 16 I was diagnosed with bipolar.Back then there was no support or understanding and I behaved terribly and would often just leave home for a few days and other risk taking behaviour. My parents were united against me or that's how I felt but I always knew they would be there for me. It must have been horrible for them as they had no idea of how to help me and I was in denial and refused medication.

I bet your daughter is so confused and feels very alone. I also know it is so hard for you and your wife and I feel so guilty for all the pain I caused my parents who are no longer living.

Keep on posting here and let us know how you are going.

Quirky