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Lack of all intimacy in marriage

Tata.M
Community Member

Hi ,

Am new in this forum and looking for an honest and safe space to ask and speak out.

I have been married for 5 years, I got married very young to a man more than 10 years my senior. Our relationship was fine in the beginning but mostly because I had no voice. Having grown up more and started learning myself I started communicating my needs, wants and desire to push myself further ahead.

This has been met with alot of resistance. My main 2 issues are lack of intimacy and lack of desire to move ahead.

1.Lack of intimacy

From the beginning I knew I wanted a to be in a relationship where we were open to being intimate and friendly to each other however things have not been this way. I have had weird comments made when I asked to be intimate with my partner. I was the one who kept going after him for connecting or even to have a conversation. After 5 years I laid back to see if he could even try to put effort in reconnecting us, since I was exhausted of begging for attention and affection, unfortunately it's been 7 months and all I get is has the baby slept or eaten. We can stay in the house together and he will not say more that 10 words to me. It hurts so deeply. The sex is none existence. For one week I tried to dress in sexy clothes since we were both home but he never even noticed. This broke my heart. Having no family in Australia makes things even harder because I have no one to turn to. It's hard when you want to be intimate with your partner and have to beg and even then there is no passion.

2. Lack of motivation to move ahead.

I believe in improving yourself however my partner says he doesn't want to be pushed or any pressure put on him. When I decided to switch jobs for a better work life balance and better pay he was so against it as he said I was taking unnecessary risks. Once I got the job he didn't even say congratulations. I have requested for us to have family projects and finances but he shuts me down.

Am upset and frustrated. I sometimes have sleepless nights wondering what I did wrong. I just want to wake up from this but it's my life.

8 Replies 8

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Tata.M~

Welcome to the forum. It can be a difficult thing to open up and describe what is happening in your life, and how you feel. It's a good move though as others may have had the same and can say what their experiences have been.

I guess you are simply growing, maturing and finding out about yourself, which is a great thing. To know you need intimacy, to be treated as a companion as well as to be encouraged when you make sensible ventures.

For all these not to be responded to is pretty heart-breaking, and can lead to doubting yourself. You say you wonder at night what you did wrong.

As far as I can see you have done nothing wrong at all - as I mentioned you have simply grown.

Sadly your partner does not feel attraction, companionship and is negative about your job and projects. I don't know him and don't know the reasons why. It would be easy to say there is an age difference, or htat he is fixed in his ways, but if one is in love I doubt it would cause this, even if some physical matters were less than you might expect that does not mean all the other things might not be met wiht enthusiasm and care.

I wonder if you have had a serious discussion with him? Also if he has had a proper physical checkup?

Sometimes discussions just between two people are not that effective and it can be better if a third party is involved. May I suggest as a first step you both consider couples counseling, Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 might be a suitable organisation if they have one in your area.

Do you think this -and his checkup - might be possible?

Please let us know how you go

Croix

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome,

I noticed you also have a baby. Your husband seems to be in his comfort zone and might even be very happy in this situation but that doesn't mean you are both compatible.

I can suggest you attend a marriage or relationship counsellor (ring relationships Australia) but unless he attends you will be doing all the commitments towards making it work.

Some couples are quite happy living how you both are now but that doesn't means you deserve to live that way. Essentially you deserve happiness and you have a right to pursue it.

I don't have any further advice except to say that it is unlikely your husband will change significantly enough to make a positive difference.

TonyWK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Tat.M, can I also welcome you along with Croix and Tony and definitely appreciate their comments.

You were married very young to a man 10 years older than you and because of this, he feels as though he doesn't need to respond back to you, which is not how any marriage should be functioning.

The lack of intimacy not only prevents a closeness you're after, but it stops communication and makes it a struggle to try and involve the other person in your life, because being intimate you want to tell one another of your successes and what you could be worried about, so a conversation begins and with care and passion.

You can't blame yourself and from what you've told us, all you have done is everything possible to make this marriage happier but with little respect from him and this going to cause concern for you, I'm really sorry to say.

You are doing everything possible that you hope your husband would cherish, unfortunately, this isn't happening, now there may be more questions you want to ask, so please do so but also get help from a counsellor which your doctor can organise on a 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions per year.

We really hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Tata.M
Community Member

Thank you Geoff, I was no aware I can get a counsellor on a mental health plan. I will speak to my gp in the new year as I can't continue like this. Feels like am loosing myself. I don't recognise the person I have become.

I used to be a bubbly and an extrovert. Now I don't like talking to anyone. I miss the girl I was before I met him

Hi Tony,

Thank you for the response. Am also not sure he will change since he sees no problem with how things are.

Am still in my 20s. Forever is too long to be unhappy and unfulfilled. He is a good man and am thankful for him however am paying such a high price for what should be easy and free when you are married to someone.

Tata.M
Community Member

Hi Croix,

I have tried to talk to him in a very calm and polite way since I want the best for both of us.

The problem is he gets defensive even when I assure him that am not attacking him. Other times he listens, things change for a week then we go back to the old ways. It gets exhausting to be in a cycle that never changes.

I have mentioned getting checked up, that didn't go so well.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Tata.M~

Well, if you have spoken to him, and he has either taken it the wrong way or only made a short lived effort to change then I guess the next step is counseling together. Going together is needed, I doubt individual counseling would be as effective.

It's not guaranteed to work. Some people are comfortable with the way things are and do not want not change, others have other problems.

I'm afraid asking "has the baby slept or eaten" seems to me to have a tone of being distanced, not affectionate and hands on.

Other than to repeat you have nothing to reproach yourself about, you have taken all the right steps, I'd prefer to wait to see if he will consent to counseling and see what happens then before talking about other alternatives.

I did ask before, as it is imortant. In the absence of your family is there anyone on your side, who you can talk to and cares?

Croix

Good luck wiht it.

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Tata, being married to someone more than 10 years older than you, they expect to know much more than you, not necessarily so, because there would be different fields you have experienced that he hasn't, unfortunately, this isn't recognised nor appreciated because you're much younger which is a terrible mistake by him, as you both may have completely different upbringings and can learn much from you.

If he is able to change for a week but then reverses back to how he wants to be, then a problem has already developed, especially for you, as you then don't want to talk to anyone.

Hopefully, this will change when you can talk to a counsellor, but please remember this person has to be one you feel comfortable talking to and if doesn't happen then find one you can, it's very important to be able to open those secrets that no one knows about.

I really hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.