Kicked in the guts

[Mick]

After supporting my wife through attempting suicide twice,taking nearly 3 months off work cashing in my long service so she can take the time needed for her to get back and when I'm back at work on the second day she rings and says we need to separate.25 years of marriage 3 great kids and she isn't in love with me any more ! How is a bloke supposed to feel.i wish I knew because that is the hardest part I don't know how i feel.everyone says are you ok but I don't know how I feel.we went to a relationship councillor only to find she wants emotional space..I don't even know what this is.she wants to live in the same house but not have a relationship with me.financially and for the kids I can understand this but I don't know what I do or where I go from here.i just hope it gets clearer but I just don't know.

[Mel_D_1978]

Maybe she's not trying just to distance herself from you because she maybe suicidal again.. before my hubby knew about my "crazy", I remember vaguely saying to him, "You know if I die I want you to marry someone else." and even the more ridiculous "You can sleep with other woman if you want I am just damaged and you'd probably have a better sex life with someone else anyway." It was just a method of pushing him away to protect him from being hurt if I managed to kill myself. I am not saying its fact , as I don't know her, it's just an idea.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mick,

Buy a spare bed and make up some space for your wife.

Chances are she's switching emotions and trying to get a handle on the suicide attempts and whether you should be responsible again (and again).

I'm not sure the time off work / long service money / etc should be put into the equation.  Although both these things were amazingly supportive and great sacrifices they are also guilt trips for your wife (along with the suicide / family).   The perspective is jarred.    Had you wife told you these things BEFORE

[The_Real_David_Charles]

part 2 (technical error)

....Had you wife told you these things BEFORE she attempted suicide and you did everything you could you would be such a different man.   It's almost like your sense of expectation (that things would get back to normal) turned in to grave disappointment (as in "what's a bloke to do ?").

I don't think you can be angry with someone mentally ill.    You do what you can to have a future with the kids and all but it's not her choice to be suicidal.   I'm sure it's just her way of saying "I feel guilty that you've done so much for me and the only way I can cope with this burden is to detach myself".   So, emotional space to you is a kick in the guts and emotional space to her is a breath of fresh air.

And spaces can be filled.

Adios, David.

PS  I had 3 months away from the family in 2006 (anger man) and when I went back home it was just like you say - my wife was emotionally detached.  It took about 6 months to re-establish anything.   Or attach anything, so to speak.

[Mick]

Thank you David and Mel for your replies I hope I didn't come across as angry because I'm not, more confused or disappointed that I didn't get help for her earlier but like everyone has told me since, she was the one that had to be ready for help..she had been drinking heavily for about 10 years leading up and had been on antidepressants for most of that time too.my defence mechanism was to just leave her to it and either go to bed or leave her and go and watch tv. That sounds really bad when I look at it on paper but that was my life. since her attempts she spent about 10 weeks in hospital and had a course of ECT which seemed to help much better than the meds which were ineffective in changing her dark thoughts. myself and my kids were by her side through it all but she just seemed to push me further away. She never asked me to talk to her psych and still won't talk about what she is feeling all I now know is she no longer loves me and I have to work out how I can be happy without her. this was what the councillor told me. 25 year together 3 great children that was my happy place. i just don't know where this will go or how I feel maybe time will show

[geoff]

dear Mick, my story is that my ex moved into another room for a few months and then said that she couldn't help me anymore and moved out, and at the same time my sons were old enough and they moved down to melbourne for employment.

I then received divorced papers, but now we still talk, see each other at the son's house, and it seems as though there's nothing wrong between us, but then we go our separate ways, so that suits the both of us.

We couldn't live together any more, but to see each other no worries.

One day when I was going to bed I said to her 'don't be too long dear' and her reply without thinking too long was 'I won't be. Geoff.