Jealousy in My Relationship

[izzy12345]

Hi all

I'm looking for some advice over a conversation my boyfriend and I had earlier today. I can't helo but feel a little bit like a 'crazy' jealous girlfriend.

On Tuesday by boyfriend told me he was going to go to the pub with his friends on Friday. I asked him with with and he told me just old school friends. So I was like ok cool.

Thursday rolls around and I ask my boyfriend again who exactly he is going to the pub with and he gives me a list of names. In the list there are two girls that I don't know. There are only about 6 people going. For some context, my boyfriend got around a far bit in high school and I know he hooked up with a lot of the girls at his school (no hate!). So I did ask him if he had ever gotten with either of the girls who were going to this pub and he said yes. He had hooked up with one of the girls two years ago. 

This immediately made me feel very stressed out. I feel uncomfortable that he is going out to the pub in a small group with a girl, that I don't know, that he's hooked up with before. Is that crazy?

The other thing that made me uncomfortable was that he purposely kept this from me. If I hadn't asked he never would've mentioned it. He said that he purposely did not tell me because he knew it would make me stressed out, and he didn't want to stress me. I understand where he's coming from but still I would have preferred to know up front. Is that crazy?

It's not like I'm gonna stop him from going or anything, the situation just makes me feel very anxious. I don't want to blame him or make him feel guilty. We had a look discussion about it and he claimed that it is simply not a big deal to him. Like I said, he was got with a lot of women so hook ups just aren't a big deal to him. 

Of course I understand where he is coming and I don't want to make him feel guilty for his sexual history. All of it happened before he met me so I simply can't hold that against him. This whole situation just makes me very really uncomfortable and I'm not sure how to best communicate this to him without him feeling like he has being attacked, or has done something wrong.

Thank you for reading. Any advice would be very much appreciated. 🙂

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You didnt include why you aren't attending the night. I'll assume you cant make it for reasons but if you could make it- why aren't you going?

Older couples that have had marriages/sexual relations with partners of the past arent worried about meeting up, we have more maturity about that and many couples still care for their ex flame and are good friends. However, if my wife wanted to attend a hotel and her ex would be there and I wasnt I'd be concerned as well. He might well feel it isnt a big deal to him but its not him that is the concern and that comment migth reflect what part of the problem is- that he is basing your feelings on what his feelings are. You are both individuals with separate feelings and you are entitled to yours.

You seem mature enough to have a good relationship, you dont worry about his sexual history- that's good. 

The other concern is transparency. He is holding information back and uses limp reasons in doing so. That isnt mature nor open and I think this has to be addressed because you insist on that. Any claim that you should "trust" him can be dismissed because you are both young, he is meeting his ex and he has deep history with her. A few extra drinks and ....

I would ask him f you can attend the event and why the group was formed in the first place. If he knew you well enough he could have declined the offer to attedn and say "I dont want to hurt my GF's feelings". Or "I would only attend if my GF can be there".

I hope you are ok. I feel for you because young love is a road of minefields until you find that trust and commitment, until then its full of trials while you get to know each other fully. 

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

You seem to be at different stages in the relationship, with boyfriend a few steps behind and 'living the dream', while you might be leaning toward a little more exclusivity and looking to the future (as more stable relationships dictate).

Very wise not to make a scene about this as boyfriend has already noted it wouldn't sit well with you, albeit handling things quite clumsily as far as communication goes.

No, this is a conversation you need to have without any agenda, and shouldn't revolve around changing boyfriend's behaviour as it only involves what you are and are not prepared to accept for yourself.

What makes you uncomfortable now will only compound unless boyfriend offers (and demonstrates) to respect you of his own volition.

It all depends on how invested you want to be in each other; and, like all investments, balancing returns with risk.