Its complicated

[Lily M]

Hi,

My husband of 19years being complaining of boredom and lack of motivation in life on and off ...we often have this episode of anger burst and Im the one to be blamed all times! he works hard and travels a lot, I work 4-5 day a week too, I have been trying to keep positive vibe at home, I took him out just the two of us a few times just in last 2 weeks, for dinners and walks and I would text him and call him at work to check on him, he would come back from work say hi then takes his laptop and go to the bedroom.... on Friday he complained that he feels being neglected by me and he is just an ATM for the family.... nothing in his life is for him... He said that after I mentioned our little daughter has her friend’s birthday party on Saturday morning... I tried to remind him that we are having dinner out together that Saturday... he got angry at me and stormed off for saying basically ( you shouldn’t feel that way because we are going out)... I felt what I said wasn’t in the right time for his mental status... I shouldn’t dismiss or ignore his feelings.... so I texted him acknowledging and I apologised for my reaction.... then tried to talk to him, he then started to swear at me for every time i try to speak, he would say f off.. like 5-6 times I said its ok take your time and he kept on repeating it... I said please don’t speak to me like this and I left the bedroom... he texted me saying that its my right to not accept his way of speaking to me, he will find another woman to accept his swearing at her and to take care of him by giving everything he needs, love, wild entertainment that he has being waiting for, but he will stay at home for our kids only and he won’t talk to me or deal with me anymore! He kept on saying that I don’t deserve anything and he hates me, I’m stupid and uncultured, coming from the middle east, he is never being happy and satisfied with me and Im always a disappointment for him. And he will find another woman to love and respect and give everything to!


What did I do wrong ? How can I live with him under the same roof from now on... can anyone one share if they live under the same circumstances as me please? what are the rules and boundaries?
I don’t want him to show his disrespect to me in front of our girls.

Sorry for the long post and thank you toget the time to read my post.

Lily

[whitechocolate]

Hi Lily,

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. You absolutely do not deserve this treatment by your husband.

What I would do now is take some emotional distance from him. Whatever you say to him in his anger, won't help. And you need to protect yourself. You don't need to physically distance yourself because that could come across as running away from the problem (unless you are in danger, then you should). But - you could put your focus on other things you do for yourself and your daughters now. When he gets home and works on his laptop, read a book for yourself. Do some cooking. Watch some TV. take a bath. Talk to a friend. Go out and do shopping. Take a walk.

What your husband says in inexcusable and not a way to treat your wife and mother of your child. His anger is not about you. Whenever someone treats us poorly, it is about them. No one who feels good would want to hurt another human being.
It could be that he does not mean everything he says. People say horrible things when they are angry - It could be that he is saying it to get a reaction out of you because he clearly feels like a victim. Your husband should find a way to deal with his work stress on his own. You can't do that for him. And neither should you.

If you take some emotional distance from him and he has calmed down -hopefully he will see what he did wrong and come to you. If he does not apologize, that is a very bad sign.

Have you gone through such a situation with him before? And how did it pan out?

Do you have friends or family you trust and can talk to about this? I would highly recommend that.

[Lily M]

Hi,

Thanks Whitechocolate for your reply, it diffenatly made me feel better🙂
What a weekend!!
I took your advice and distant myself emotionally... yes we have this kind of anger burst quite often for so many reasons and many years! He always says the best solution is to find another woman to give him what he needs away from home and the girls as I’m failing to give him that, he says he is not happy not satisfied and not the life he wanted, he tried to leave so many times and in every time we try to reconcile, we try to come up with reasons and solutions to react in a different way to avoid the emotional explosion, this time is a combination of him being tierd and horny... always me to be at fault and ascalate his anger.
Lately after every explosion he would go to web sites and apps to look for another women to make him feel better and takes his anger away no physical contact yet. He says he has no other option and Im responsible for pushing him away. When he is calm he is a nice loving guy and a good father..


I don’t know what to do, I feel sad, pain and I feel guilty as well.


I don’t have family here and have few friends that I can’t share this with them, I talked to my sister (lives overseas) about us for the first time... she is a good support.