It’s over

[Arnold]

I have been married to my wife for 8 and a half years. We have 3 children. 
she suffers from some mental health issues. ADHD is the most recent conditions she believes she has. 
I have tried to be there for her the best I can. Sometimes it’s too much for me. Our relationship has been rocky lately. But I think it’s all over now. We have had fights but not like this. She’s even moved all my clothes out of the bedroom and I’m in the spare room now. She says I don’t have to leave the house. It will probably be better for the kids if we’re under the same roof at the moment. I can’t sleep. Barely eat. Emotional mess. Only thing keeping me alive is my kids and the glimmer of hope of us getting through this. She says that’s never going to happen. I don’t know if I can keep doing this though. I know I have some issues too. I have a lot of work stress. Am the soul provider for the family. I don’t know what to do

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Arnold

I'm so sorry that you're going throught all this. It is heart breaking when we do our best and it's not good enough. It's not you, you can't do more than your best. It's very important to take care of yourself too. I can understand how distressing it is for you and it can be very hard to face the situation in a calm way so you can make the right decision. It might not be over yet, maybe focusing on the kids at this moment and try to find
enjoyment might work to give you confidence and energy.

I can see that your wife might have a very emotional and negative episode. It's very hard to do something about it unless she's willing to talk and get help. Maybe once things calm down, try to have a talk and bring up the good things in your lives and focus on that.

I hope that things will work out for you, I wish you all the best and please let us know how you're coping

[Guest_10253]

Hi Arnold, 

I am 44 and have separated 2 years ago. I'm sorry to hear some similar relationship issues which are red flags and offer my experience for your consideration.

A legally binding marriage with children is hard to get out of. The person we care for is also hard to leave. My 'fights' started to happen after I cleaned up my diet and exercise, and cleaned up my mind. That put me in a position to lay out in as plain a terms the behaviours that I felt were quite reasonable to address to improve our relationship.

I was relegated to downstairs, which I respected and we had a 4 and 6 yo we needed to necessarily shield from arguments. In my experience my fatherly instincts to protect were abused by a person who felt they could cite various health issues and not address the very basic and reasonable mutually beneficial improvements. 

Your symptoms are indicative of emotional strain, and its really incredibly difficult to keep juggling viz work etc. Chronic emotional stress sees cortisol age you terribly and you kept in a state of 'ready to lose it' which isn't good for anyone. 

I made sure I ate simply but regularly (bulk froze bollignaise) this ensured the least time / most reliable to keep me fed able to cope with knocks better. In my situation, I moved to a cheap boarding house which you normally see advertised on Gumtree. I avoided share housing as that's. I had the best time! I was removed from the toxicity and was no longer the emotional crutch for an adult that couldn't be honest and genuinely helpful to what is already a very difficult parental responsibility.

In short, genuinely make attempts, then go to counselling, then move out. There's a saying about surf life savers not rescuing someone without a 'cheese float' soon enough they drag you down with them.