Hi Vmv
I'm so glad you've come here and have already met some truly beautiful people who care so much about you in the way of support, friendship and guidance. You deserve all that, especially as you grow a little person inside of you.
I think sometimes when something is pushing us to constructively find fault or faults in a relationship (so as to fix them), we can end up being led to believe so much is our fault when it's actually not. If someone says 'The problem is you're super sensitive', that's not our fault. It relates to our ability to sense what's wrong (feeling harm in words directed towards us, feeling oppressive or depressing behaviour from others etc). Due to their insensitivity, they can't feel the harm. If someone says 'If you weren't so challenging we wouldn't have a problem', being challenging can relate to our ability to challenge someone to change their depressing or degrading ways. If someone says 'You just don't listen' sometimes this relates to our ability to detach from the kind of words that can be so wounding and deeply depressing. The ability to tune out from what brings us down is, in fact, a great ability at times. If a person says 'Stop back chatting me', such back chat may simply involve our ability to offer reason behind everything we do and say. Technically this makes us a highly conscious reason able or reasonable person. Some people just don't want to listen to reason and that's not our fault, it's theirs.
Sounds like your husband is lacking in a lot of abilities that you really need him to have, when things aren't necessarily going his way. The ability to listen to your reasons, to sense your feelings, to give you the freedom to connect with friends when you really need to are just a few of the abilities he does not have. For some reason he also does not appear to have the ability to manage his manipulative and controlling nature, replacing it with a more open mind and loving heart. Every relationship involves self development and it sounds like he has little desire to develop himself beyond what suits him. He has little desire to push himself to change. You may be the one doing most of the changing.
To become fearless enough to gather a support group for yourself may be incredibly challenging but it's just so important. He doesn't need to know about your personal support group. I imagine if he knows about it he'll soon put a stop to it. This group or circle might include a family member, a friend or 2, someone who's brilliant at financial planning (if you decide to leave), some of us here, someone from the RESPECT line and so on. I think, at the end of the day if you can say 'He's absolutely amazing as long as I'm behaving myself in all the ways he wants me to or tells me to' then that means you're moving further and further away from being you. To gradually lose our self can be so heartbreaking. If he would much rather you live broken hearted than live with the freedom to be yourself, I would be questioning whether this would also be his choice for your child. Btw, if he inherited his faults from one of his parents or the influence of friends, this is something he needs to address.
You're a beautiful person Vmv. Stop doubting yourself so much. My greatest concern relates to how far he would go to express or vent his rage, such as in the case of you choosing to tolerate less from him and stand up for yourself more in the process. In this case, abusers will shift the fault to suit themselves, often saying 'She/he pushed me. It wasn't my fault'. Love yourself enough to give yourself permission to begin establishing your support circle, one that will come to be there if you feel you have to suddenly leave. ❤️
