Is this wrong?

[puzzlegirl]

Hello, and apologies for the crass-ness of this post. I am in the middle of a marriage that is completely disintegrated. He doesn't love me, doesn't want me. Recently told me he doesn't want to have sex with me. Then the next day tells me he doesn't think it's wrong for another girl to give him oral sex, and vice versa. We have always been monogamous, and he has said that sex is the line that crosses into an affair. Mind you, the relationship he has had with a woman these last 4 years I already consider an affair. Now with this new relaxed morality I've heard from him, I am questioning whether these two have already crossed that line? I certainly feel that there is nothing sacred left in my marriage, and this makes me feel even more like dirt. Do you think he's crossed the line? Or am I being super moral and should I lower my standards also? He also encouraged me to go out and find a man to give oral sex to. It just makes me feel worthless. I'm just not sure if my view is clouded by my hurts. Thanks for your input.

[puzzlegirl]

Thanks Dadmeister. Yes, I have one child, almost in high school. I'm aware of this critical time in their life, and not keen on making it any harder on them than it needs to be. I admire your loyalty and faithfulness to maintain that solid family life. I'm torn- I desperately want to do the same, but wonder if it's hard on my kid because of the lack of peace in the house? I hoping I'm not overstepping, but I'm genuinely curious how the happy families thing works for you? We do it too. The two of us go out for coffee, watch movies, talk, and we do some family stuff together too. At those times, everything feels almost normal. Then, he has this whole other life where he openly prioritises this other person. Where he treats her with a depth of affection that has long since been lost between us. It's weird. I'm conscious of the feeling of being dropped for the better model. Of no longer having the same standing in his life that she now does. I'm not really sure who I am to him anymore, and truth be told I think he is still trying to figure that out too. When we do life together and it feels normal, I feel a small spark that maybe things will be better again and we won't divorce. But I just think that's wishful thinking. He vacillates between saying he wants a divorce, and maybe not. The maybe not is only because it would be inconvenient for him and his life rather than any feelings of choosing me. And sometimes he feels pity for me, which I don't want/need either. Do you ever wonder if she will ever choose you again? If she will see her error and want to make it work again? I'm still living in that no-man's land. Not wanting to hope for anything because I'm just trying to keep it real, and all the while waiting for him to look at me the way he used to and get on board with making us better. Just for interest, I've just today booked a visit with a counsellor because I'm aware I need to be talking to someone about all of this. Haha, I told him about it, and he asked if I'd be telling the counsellor all about him. Of course, I said. Oh, and he was worried that he had to come along also and that I'm doing counselling to make him change his mind. I was impressed with myself that I could honestly say I am doing the counselling for myself alone, to make me a better/healthy person. What is your support network like?

[Dadmeister]

Puzzle girl everything unravelled for me today with my wife admitting that her emotional affair turned into a sexual one some years ago. I’m broken. I want to do my best to stay her friend and look after my children but this betrayal burns me. In a marriage counsellors office she looked me in the eye and told me it was all in my head and it was just a friendship. The marriage counsellor them turned on me as if I was the guilty one.
I cannot offer you any advice other than trust your gut instinct. I was played a fool by my wife for years and kept blaming myself. When she confessed today, she admitted I was a perfect father and husband but she craved more sexually.
Please put yourself first as you need to get yourself strong for what lies ahead.

best of luck

[geoff]

Hello Puzzlegirl, your husband has made a decision and when he gets tired of her, he'll go searching for someone else, I'm really sorry for you, but the marriage has disintegrated where he believes he has two homes, the place he's built with you, but is a totally different man than the one you married, and if or when he does return home, deny everything for him, just cook for yourself, do your own washing only and anything he wants, just say no, his reaction will show the person he has become.

It would be best for you not to stay there, too many memories, so ask him to buy your share, otherwise, sell the property and start a new life where you will find happiness once again, I have myself after 25 years of marriage, although my circumstances were different.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

[puzzlegirl]

Oh Dadmeister, I am so so sorry to hear this!! You have been so loyal, yet you have been played so badly and it must hurt very much. I cannot fathom why someone would betray another like this, especially when you are doing your best to do the right thing and honour her. I cannot help but wonder if my future will be much like yours. He swears black and blue that it's just a friendship, and I'm the one who feels crazy, because I KNOW it's so much more. It's an emotional affair at the least, and the things they get up to/places they go there is so much room for it to be a sexual affair. And like you, I blame myself (and so does he) for any and all negative responses I have to what I KNOW is not right.

Mate, what is your next move? I know you were going to stick it out because of the girls, but this changes the game for sure. You must be hurting so bad, I'm so sad for you. And she definitely sounds like she knows what she wants and there is no coming back from it. I don't understand, because if she says you are the perfect dad/husband, surely she could have spoken up about the sex and something could have been worked out?

It definitely sounds like it is time to take care of yourself for a while. Perhaps in light of all of this, your girls will understand. You sticking it out may just be setting an example of being a doormat, and showing that in some way your wife's behaviour is ok (which it is so not!).

Thanks for sharing. The similarities in our stories make me look at my future in a new light.

[puzzlegirl]

Geoff, you are right. He is absolutely living like he has two homes. It's almost unfortunate for him that his second home is in a car, park, or pub with his other person. Almost. And that the place he actually lives is somewhere he doesn't want to be, with someone he doesn't want. I'm not ready yet to stop functioning as a wife, but only because it's familiar, there is little motivation left in me for him. I also feel that once I stop doing stuff, then that will be the last nail in the coffin. Maybe it needs to be. And then I backflip on that because there is a stupid little hope inside of me that things will return to normal. But again, you are right, he has become a different person. I guess I just need to keep travelling that journey of grief and acceptance that this is what life looks like now. I'll get to the practical stuff- your advice is good- I just guess I'm not ready yet. As sick as it is, in some ways, I'd like an admission of guilt from him about having an affair, because that would sever the last tie to him, and absolutely destroy all hope. Then it would certainly be easier to move on (it'd be a whole new layer of hurt, but at least there'd be no ambiguity). Thanks Geoff, your advice is something that I am sure I will look back on.

[Guest_1643]

Hi puzzlegirl, I disagree, he is fortunate because he has a second home, while he needs it. I feel pretty confident that he'll be okay, well homed, and even not alone, throughthis, as he has covered himself. Don't worry about hi,. We don't. We just care about you and your safety.

[puzzlegirl]

Thanks Sleepy21. I understand what you are saying. All the same, I am utterly mortified that he actually does live this second life right in front of me. I am also full of so much regret and remorse- what have I done that has sent him looking outside of us? Well, plenty. But, also nothing more than just being me, which is someone he has decided he doesn't want. Of course he will be well cared for- she does a great job at this. She is 100% better for him than I am. It makes me wish I wasn't me. Makes me feel not good enough. And if it were so simple, I'd trade places with her any day so she can have him, and he can finally be happy. I actually just hate feeling like the one that's been tossed aside. I want to be somewhere I'm wanted. Like, what is wrong with me that I couldn't satisfy him in enough areas of life that he wouldn't need to seek this other life and person? He will be ok. I am completely alone. Completely out of all confidence that I will ever be worthy again for someone else to love. I feel used up and tossed out. But I am doing my best to keep life rolling, and looking for some self worth in there somewhere.

[Guest_1643]

Hi puzzlegirl, I think his actions would make anyone feel that way. I'm really sorry, I did not mean she was better for him, I just meant that he was acting selfishly. He would leave her too, if he found somewhere else to be. I don't think him leaving is about not being good enough, although know it tests your self worth.

The best and most beautiful woman can be left by someone who is just, basically, not so nice.

[puzzlegirl]

No worries Sleepy21, those are my conclusions, I didn't think you were saying that at all. I guess it all comes down to his character, which is unfortunately questionable. Or at least, has become so since meeting her. But to his and her credit, he actually has become a more free and happy person, so perhaps he is better off with her?! I may not like it, and no longer gel with that type of person, but there is actually nothing I can do about it. He is absolutely selfish, and I hope one day he regrets what he has done. But for now, I will do my best to just be a peaceful person who looks after me. Because I know if I follow that track of not feeling good enough, it isn't going to serve me well in terms of mental health. Totally get you, thanks.

[Guest_1643]

Totally agree. I struggled to love and respect myself for a long time. My relationships were not good. I've been there. I didn't like myself in those relationships, even when I was being told I was wanted or loved, I didn't believe it and then didn't want thay person. The tension of feeling not good enough felt safe and made sense to me, comfir,Ed my own self beliefs. I don't know why I hated myself so much. Probably my abusive parents. I agree loving ourselves is a revolution. Much suppprt and care to u