Is it anxiety or am I right to feel distrust

[1263]

Hi

im middle aged and by all accounts had a good marriage.  We’ve always had businesses and our last few years in a new business adventure I was not actively involved, although our daughter was.  Over the last approximately two years I have felt my husband was becoming closer to one of our key staff members, someone he has had to work closely with.  I had mentioned on a few occasions that I felt this person was relying more heavily on him and it was a bit concerning for me.  My husband either dismissed or denied my concerns, which didn’t make me feel any easier about the situation.  (I may add we’ve never been in this situation before!). There were several small incidents I felt uncomfortable about but tried to rationalise my thoughts.  We decided to sell the business which gave me a sense of relief as I thought it would put my feelings and doubts at ease, however I later found a message he had sent to this woman to catch up for a “lunch date” .  I may have been okay with this if he told me but he didn’t and I admit I checked his phone messages as I had a feeling something was not quite right.  He firstly denied he had been in contact and then when I pointed out his message he said he’d forgotten he’d sent her the message, which had been over a month as we’d been away. 
I felt so deceived and my trust eroded more and more as time went on, I felt there were times he was being a bit protective of his computer and phone.  I also felt that he was possibly ringing this person but deleting any evidence.  
I’ve always been trusting of my husband but because of my earlier concerns and his gaslighting and accusations of me being paranoid my trust has completely eroded.  I want our marriage to last, we’ve been together 40 years but I’m struggling to see past this incident.  I’m not sure if my instincts are correct or if I’m now suffering from anxiety, which is what he tells me.  He has also said he wants to work things out and get on with our lives, and that this woman means nothing nor does he have any contact with her. He did eventually apologise for not listening to my concerns previously and said he understands where I’m coming from.  I just wish I could believe him again.  I also made him delete her from FB, and any other social media etc, but I know there are other ways, and he uses his computer quite regularly.  He also said a few months later he’d do a lie detector test, his idea not mine, which he did and passed.  But the 3 questions i put forward were the same three he’d denied many times before, so I felt he was either very comfortable with the answers or he was telling the truth?  His smugness at passing didn’t help my doubts.  (I know this was extreme but he wanted to do it).
im afraid that I could push him away if I’m wrong about everything but sometimes it’s not what he says but rather little actions that don’t seem normal to me.

I have been to counselling which appeared to be going well until my first psychotherapy session, at the end of it she said she didn’t believe I needed to go see her anymore and had cancelled my next appointment!??  I was completely blindsided.  I did send her a message later thanking her for her time and asking her to explain how our session related to my situation etc.  I received a phone call but I am still none the wiser.  I won’t return to her. 
I’m not sure if anyone can make sense of my situation but I’m feeling that maybe I’m to blame for my situation, which my husband says constantly.  He is convinced it’s menopausal and anxiety and that I need further professional help.  
I don’t deny I am needing help now as this has been going on for over a year and I’m no closer to a resolution.  But am I really to blame or are my instincts correct?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm 70yo and have a security/investigation and semi legal background experienced in court procedure.

Whenever someone has suspicions of their partner I always advise that the most important factor is to deal with facts not assumptions. Assumption can be based on could have, might be, I think he is, my instincts are and so on. All of those things should be discounted unless confirmed as the damage that can be done is enormous without evidence.

However there is some evidence you have that is of a concern-

• A lunch date with a former female colleague without you (and being hidden) is reason to be worried especially that in the past you had seen them getting quite close.
• Him saying he forgot about the "date". A clear cover up imo

So where does this put you? Well imo there has been no harm done and you got to the problem before it went further. In 40 years some marriages drift and personally I would be disappointed also but having been married so long with it never happening before I suggest you do more to go forward with your marriage than risk it dissolving especially with the assumptions that cannot be used to build your case.

I'm somewhat concerned with any gaslighting going on. You've gone to a counsellor and a GP would be good for any anxiety however blaming anxiety for your reactions over the "date" and hiding it is perfectly normal.

My recommendation is that you both attend a couples counsellor. Lay it all out on the table and say that you need to move forward and rebuild trust so you need help with that. A counsellor will clarify things like gaslighting and secrecy and if there is over reaction on your part. Under the circumstances he should attend with you.

I hope that helps and repost if you feel like it.

TonyWK

[Mushroom]

I agree with the couples counselling. 

Whatever the outcome, if the feelings are left to fester it's going to ruin your marriage anyway.  The longer it draws out the more suspicious your going to get. 

The truth is a big deal in any relationship.