It took many years as a young adult for me to see clearly that compared to many other people I was severely affected by a dominating mother. I thought I'd overcome it and move on, it wasnt that simple, I'm 70yo now and it's still a major issue regardless that my mother passed 7 months ago (93) and I hadnt seen her for the last 13 years.
The best help I received wasnt from therapy nor other family members assessments but a book called "walking on eggshells by Dr Christine Lawson, or, if you aren't a reader google "witch queen hermit waif". Those 4 characters are the ones you can encounter with a Borderline Personality Disorder parent 1,2,3 or all 4. But for those that have BPD its not a witch hunt, if you are getting treatment and have self awareness then you are more than capable of being a great parent.
So what are the situations that are not avoidable with the child of a dominating parent that has these poor qualities? These parent could provide well, never hit you, take an interest in your schooling etc but mentally they own you and you never live up to their expectations. As a married adult with children of your own you'll struggle through life feeling you are never good enough. That leads to feeling you are criticised all the time when most of those comments aimed at you are mere suggestions. eg
Me "I've made lunch let sit on the swing seat and eat it"
Wife "I would but you never clean it" (its my outdoor job)
Me "oh, thanks, after I made us lunch thats the thanks I get"
Wife "it wasnt a criticism it was a fact and its ok"
Now lets not look into that fact she could clean it herself etc, its merely an example. Yes, overreaction is often, sensitivity uncontrolled and possibly why I've ended up a HSP (highly sensitive person). But I've noticed even my mothers passing doesnt change this feeling. I've often said to myself "my mother will haunt me from the grave, the pierced lips, the frown, the huffing... In fact whenever a older female does any of those things I say straight away "if I wanted my mother here I'd bring her along". If I didnt hit home with that saying I'd dwell on that moment for days. Whereas to counter the dominance, the lack of acceptance is to reverse the hurt and that is not regretful at all. I've learned that it is best to confront aggression/lack of approval with the same, few words and high impact to revenge your rights or you'll be walked over. Defence by equal aggression is good.
Thats how you survive a dominating parent long term.
TonyWK
