24F in love with 44M - but he has 3 kids and I don't like kids. How do I move forward?

[notre_stellata]

I (24F) have been dating my partner (44M) for about 10 months. We are both deeply in love — this is the first time in my life I’ve experienced a truly mutual, committed relationship. We’ve talked about a future together and even the possibility of spending our lives with each other.

Here’s the complication: he has 3 children (ages 6, 9, and 13) from his previous marriage. I’ve never wanted kids, and honestly, I don’t like being around them. I also feel some jealousy because I know he loves his kids very much, and I sometimes resent that they’ve received a lot of his love and attention.

So far, I haven’t met them yet, and they don’t know about me. He says he would never force me to live with them or do anything I don’t want to do, but I’m not sure how realistic that is long-term. 

We see each other a few times a week, and our relationship is otherwise amazing — our personalities and hobbies match, the emotional connection is strong, and our intimacy is great. But I can’t ignore the fact that if I choose him, I’m also choosing the reality that his kids will always be part of his life.

I'm just really confused and not sure what to do. We get along so well.  I just don't know if it is fair to him (and to the kids) for me to stay if I can’t see myself loving or even liking them.

He also sees me as the love of his life, which makes me even more reluctant to leave this.

Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you so much. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think they'd be some people that will suggest you battle through it, maybe get to know we the kids and tolerate the lost time when he is with them. The other like me, will have reasons to walk away. Here's my reasons.

When my kids were 10 and 7yo I met a lady That had kids in their late teens and not long after they left home. I fell in love. My children, girls, were artistic, well behaved and I had them every 2nd weekend plus school holidays. In the first 2 years I'd hoped my partner would warm to my girls by then we were financially blended so I kept hoping. I was a good influence to her kids like a good step dad or mate. But it never improved with my partner getting worse with her dislike and frankly- jealousy.  My eldest came to live with us at 12yo.

Our relationship lasted 10 years. The crisis peaked when my partner told my daughter she'd have to return to her mother's to live if she didnt improve her quality of her chores. This decision didnt include me so it became an ultimatum putting me in a terrible situation. My partner said "its her or me"? Few if any parent will side against their child.

Children like acceptance, inclusively, friendship, stability, nurturing so without one of those being fulfilled creates a timebomb effect. Then if a child wants to live with their dad, a right all should have, it worsens. When that moment comes "i want to live with you dad" a father does cartwheels of happiness. If his partner is also over the moon then the chemistry is ripe. If she rolls her eyes with dread knowing its less time together then the home is tension filled.

By all accounts I dont see a happy future. 

In terms of how to recover if you split, that can be addressed when and if you decide that if you need support.

No one judges you here that your not kid compatible.

TonyWK