Defeated

[ShaSha]

The day my grandkids burst thru the front door traumatised was the last straw. My DIL drove the car at 160kms with my son in the passenger seat and two grandchildren in the back seat. I was devastated. She could have killed them all. They were anxious, panicked and frightened for their lives so I took them in and looked after them for the night. Since then my DIL has been on a destructive rampage to destroy my son. Staging photographs and choreographing arguments to create false evidence to have my son charged with assault and get a FVSO in place to kick him out of the house. I am shocked beyond belief at the trail of devastation she has left in her wake. For the past year my son has been dragged through the law courts, interrogated by police who assume he is guilty based on her say so, which consists mainly of lies, distortions and projections, despite protesting his innocence. He has been forced to plead guilty to false charges to try and get his life back and protect the children from appearing as witnesses against their mother. She is a violent drunk who was recently diagnosed with Autism and ADHD, who takes medication to manage her conditions, on top of using recreational drugs To give you some idea of how dangerous she is, I have photos of the times my DIL tried to bite my son’s thumbs off, and bit a chunk of flesh out of his back. She has been emasculating him for years, and is now trying to paint a target on his back so that some random stranger will beat him up by tarnishing his reputation and portraying him as a women beater. Now she has her sights set on me, doing everything she can to destroy my relationship with my son to distance him from his support network and separate me from my two beautiful grandkids who are scared of their mother. I suspect my DIL is a narcissist because her moves are text book. It was when she accused me of trying to weaponise the legal system that I woke up to how dangerous she is, a term I had never heard until she said it and I did some research. So I sought a protection order for my own safety, but defending myself, and trying to stop her interfering in my relationships, by using contact with me to punish my son as a way of depriving him of access with the children has back fired. I feel I have no choice but to let go and start living without three of the most important people in my life. Needless to say, I am heart broken. This is tearing my son and my grandchildren apart. If anyone has sound advice on how to cope with this situation, I welcome your input.  

[Sophie_M]

Hi ShaSha,
 
Thank you for sharing here. What you have experienced is truly traumatic and we are deeply sorry to hear how long this has been going on. The anxiety and fear that you would be holding for your grandchildren, your son, and now for yourself must be immense. Putting protection in place for yourself was a brave an important step to have taken for your welfare.

It sounds like you are being faced with an impossible decision and it makes complete sense that the thought of this is heartbreaking. No one should ever have to choose between their own safety and having a relationship with their son and grandchildren.

You might consider the following options, if you haven’t already:

• Seeking legal advice to help navigate the situation and understand your rights (although it sounds like you may have already engaged these services)
• Contacting child protection services if you believe your grandchildren are at risk.
• Exploring counselling or psychological support - for yourself, your son, or even together (if safe and possible). A professional can help you process what’s happening and support you through the emotional toll
• Creating a safety plan if you feel at risk, emotionally or physically. This might include knowing who to contact, where to go, and how to stay safe

Relationships Australia have some great resources that might be helpful to look at, too: https://www.relationships.org.au/support/#Find-a-service. They're also available over the phone on 1300 364 277. 

If you ever want to talk to one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, they're available on 1300 22 4636 or online: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor

It’s okay to feel unsure about what to do next. You’re carrying a lot, and you don’t have to do it alone. This community is here to support you, whatever those next steps are.
 
Take gentle care of yourself. 
 
Kind regards
Sophie M