Insecure girlfriend

[Guest_37600340]

Hi,

I am really struggling. My partner has been through such a hard time. She was in a relationship with an extremely controlling narcissist who was also violent. 

She has come out of this relationship and was struggling big time. But she is incredibly strong and resilient. She has two children to him and one of them has severe ASD, ADHD, PTSD and has extremely bad behaviour. He’s around the same age as my son but they are very different and I find myself struggling to put my son with him as I don’t want him to be exposed to those habits and behaviours. 

This alone has added a challenge to our relationship. 

She also has extreme insecurities where 1-3 times a month I get accused of something. Not once has it been something that I have done. But she will hear a story from a friend about their partner or her family or a reel on social media and this leads to accusations towards me.

at the start I was handling it ok. But after 3 years I’m tired and constantly anxious and feeling like I am on egg shells. I’ve given her my phone password, social media account passwords and deleted anyone that she thought was a threat. I thought this might help her to feel better. It keeps coming.

its really hard. If done research, I’ve listened to a ton of podcasts, we’ve seen a gynaecologist to see if it was hormonal. She is finally seeing a psychologist and so am I to see if I can improve anyway that I can and on things that I can do better in.

I’m just exhausted and feeling helpless.

thank you

[Croix]

Dear new member~

Welcome here to the Support Forum, a good choice as if you look around you may find others in similar situations and how they cope.

I guess the first thing to say is that if a person has been in an abusive/ domestic violence situation, it leaves a wound that can be hard to heal and can very much affect their behaviour - for one thing making them less trusting and feeling insecure. It can have many other effects too.

From what you say you have done all you can in the three years by being extremely open with her and letting her inspect your phone and all the rest. Unfortunately your love has not been enough to heal her wound and you are always waiting for the next outburst.

Please do not think you have failed in any way, that's not the case. It simply indicates that your partner needs professional skilled psychological assistance to start to recover. Seeing a psychologist may be a good start depending on if they specialize in the aftermath of abuse.

I'd suggest you ring 1800RESPECT and seek advice, they are the place to go for those who expereince abuse/domestic violence and also those that are close to them

I'd also suggest a good starting place for her son might be getting parental advice via The Kid's Help Line, it can sometimes give suggestions as to what might be helpful.

You sound like it has all built up and you are in a very stressful and worrying situation. As a result I'd expect you need support too. Nobody can go on eggshells forever. Maybe you have a family member or friend you can speak frankly with, or if not see what 1800RESPECT recommends. Trying to cope with all this long-term is very hard, and doing it in isolation even harder.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix