Insecure about lack of relationship experience

[Lyssaa]

Hey guys,

I'm an 18 year old girl who's just finished her first year out of high school. I've been feeling really insecure lately because of my lack of romantic and sexual experience. I dated one guy in high school when I was 14 for a few months and it wasn't a very healthy relationship, and I recently had a situationship with a guy I liked that never ended up turning into anything. These are the only two guys I've ever kissed and I've never done anything more than that with a guy before. I know that if I wanted to have sex realistically I could (I was on Tinder for a short period of time and the offer was made to me by a few guys) but I know that I'm not someone who would be able to have sex with a complete stranger who didn't care about me, at least not the first time.

After my first boyfriend in high school I wasn't interested in any of the guys at my school and didn't have many guy friends at all, and I had a pretty tight social circle so I didn't know any guys outside of school for me to be interested in. There were a few guys at school that possibly had crushes on me but they never did anything about it and I wasn't interested in any of them anyway.

I guess I'm just feeling insecure because I feel like I've "missed out" on that experience of love and having someone truly love you. I also feel partially 'obliged' to participate in casual sex or hook-up culture instead of waiting for someone who truly loves me, mostly because I just can't see how I'm meant to meet someone who wants to be in a relationship with me anytime soon, partially because I feel like so many people have already had that first love experience and partially because I just genuinely don't know where I'm meant to meet someone. I don't want to hookup with someone just to get it over and done with, but I'm afraid that I'm never going to meet someone who loves me so I'll just be a virgin forever, and that if I do meet someone when I'm older they're just going to judge me for my lack of romantic and sexual experience.

It just sucks knowing that some people are lucky enough to have already met someone, or multiple people, who care about them and love them, but that just happened to me yet. And I know I'm only 18, but I just feel so behind. Anyone have any advice or any consolation at all to help me feel like I haven't missed out? Thanks! 

Lyssa

[dandy90]

Hey gal! 

so I lost my virginity when I was 18. I had only kissed before that. And it was a one night stand, he was just a cute DJ at my friends party! It happened pretty naturally, and I wasn’t that upset that we weren’t in a relationship or in love. I was happy to have just had a positive experience with someone that I was attracted to! (He was very sweet, he rang me and asked to meet again the next day just to check up on me because he knew I was a virgin, so we met once more for a chat but we parted ways after that on a good note)

I think it’s so great to not put pressure on yourself but be open to safe positive experiences. The next guy after him ended up being my boyfriend - for 10 years and father of my son. He had lost his virginity a few years before me. 

my advice would be just to focus on your life, job, friends, hobbies.. and see who you connect with or are attracted to and be In the moment 🙂 see what happens. Overthinking these things never help.. so try and get out of your head and back into the moments in your life experiences as much as possible. 

you will absolutely come across someone (probably sooner rather then later!) who wants to date you! If it can happen for anyone else out there, then there’s no reason it can’t happen for you too. Just keep remembering your self worth and don’t allow anyone to disrespect you. 

There are sooo many women out there who are your age and in the exact same boat. I promise. Even if you know of some who already have had love or are in relationships - MANY still don’t. 

you’re amazing! Don’t forget it! Have so much fun being 18! It’s the best time for friendship and self discovery and young love! Which is a lot more free feeling compared to finding love and relationships later on once there are kids/work/mortgage pressures etc! 

[Earth Girl]

Hi Lyssa,

I know you said that you know you are only 18, but I don't think you understand just how young you really are. I'm in my lat 20's and have never had a boyfriend or had a hook up and I'm not too worried about it anymore because even now I'm still young.

It may actually in some ways be a good thing that you haven't been in a relationship yet because as you get older, you get wiser and you are less likely to make silly mistakes in a relationship as you get older (e.g. feeling the need to lose your virginity quickly, cheating on someone to get revenge on them for cheating on you, saying things that aren't very nice to the person you are in a relationship with, etc).

I was extremely immature when I was a teenager and I would have made a lot of silly mistakes if I was in a relationship with someone back then such as trying to lose my virginity quickly, saying unkind things to my bf, etc. Even now I would still make mistakes in a relationship, but they wouldn't be as bad or harmful to myself.

I'm sure these people who are in relationships that you talk about really like each other and care for each other a lot as well, but love is a very powerful word and people don't usually feel it at this age yet and it wouldn't surprise me if a lot of these couples broke up in a few years. Even if they are still together then, that's good for them, but it doesn't make it any less likely for it to happen to you too when the time is right.

Virginity is a very special thing and it's good that you want to save it for the one you love and who loves you so please don't give it away so easily just because of how you feel at the moment. Your view on this will change in a few years and I don't want you to regret it. There's still so much time for you to meet somebody. It might happen once you finish school and that is okay. Your happiness is more important than these strict rules you put on yourself. Be kind to yourself and don't let your current expectations or anyone else's hurt you in the long run.

When I was younger, I read in one of those teenage girl magazines that this girl hooked up with this guy she just met and lost her virginity to him after just chatting to him and getting to know him and she said that on the way home, she felt like she was going to throw up from what she just did because she regretted it so much. Please don't let this happen to you.

[tmas]

For reference, I'm 21F.

18 is a very normal age to have had no relationship experience regardless of gender, and at that age I was pretty concerned about it too. I'd done the kissing, I'd "lost my virginity" at 17 but I didn't think of it that way because I'd done so hoping to "get the first out of the way" and in the end it didn't even feel like it was worth counting. 

Sex is generally super underwhelming in the beginning, and the teenage years are often spent thinking about it when we aren't even psychologically ready most of the time. I figured, as long as I'm thinking about my sexual activity in relation or comparison to my peer's activity, I'm probably not ready to have that yet. 

Once out of school I slowly started to think about my peers less and (one situationship later) met someone who I was actually compatible with. I've had a whole lotta firsts with them (not just sexual, but emotional and everything else too) and it really just taught me that everyone's in the same boat, and that once you've done it all you never really think about that "fear of virginity" again. 

I have friends well into their 20's who've never held hands with someone (want to, but are waiting to feel comfortable with someone, or maybe it just hasn't happened yet), and knew friends who were sexually active throughout all of school (who often have mixed feelings about it all now, you can feel mature without being mature). Time goes on, and it really isn't a big deal. Know your own body, mind, and desires in life first, hopefully something will come to you organically at the right time.

Stay well x

[Kim1988]

Hi Lyssa,

You are definitely not behind my darling. You are exactly where you need to be. I’m now 34. I also never really had a boyfriend in high school. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 17 and I didn’t start dating properly until I was in my mid 20’s so I lost my virginity pretty late by today’s standards.

 It sometimes used to bother me when I was younger, but at some point I realised that thighs happen in their own time for every one. You are not in front of or behind anyone. You are where you need to be for who you are. 

You are only 18 and just out of high school so you have plenty of time to find love. In the meantime focus on doing the things that you enjoy like hobbies whether it be running, swimming or any other interest groups. Who knows maybe in these groups you may find someone you connect with at some point.

Hooking up with someone isn’t love. It’s purely physical. In my mid 20’s I had casual dates with people who I had hooked up with. I didn’t love any of them. It was just something that happened in the moment. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship it takes a bit longer to find someone who can offer that. A hookup is relatively easy to find. As you said yourself you have been offered on Tinder, so it shows you how easy it is to find pure sex. An actual relationship however isn’t so easy to find. 

If you want a relationship don’t settle for anything less than that otherwise you’ll end up getting hurt.

[Lyssaa]

Hi!! Thank you so much for your comment, it really helped me out. 

I actually ended up meeting a guy at a club and made out with him, but he was really nice and it was a good experience. Unfortunately he was just here on holiday and he was moving back to the other side of the country, but we ended up going on two more dates over the next few days and made out a couple of times more and did a little bit of stuff but nothing full-on. Even though it wasn’t someone I was in a relationship with or had known very long I really enjoyed the experience and felt completely comfortable the entire time with him. So I guess your point of not putting pressure on yourself and to just enjoy positive experiences was true 🙂