Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Ammee Feeling utterly depleted - Our family needs help.
  • replies: 24

Our household is falling apart after almost five years of a hard long battle with our daughter’s mental health. It’s always one step forward, two or three steps back. Sometimes the one step forward lasts quite some time, and you are lulled into the f... View more

Our household is falling apart after almost five years of a hard long battle with our daughter’s mental health. It’s always one step forward, two or three steps back. Sometimes the one step forward lasts quite some time, and you are lulled into the falsehood of thinking, finally, this period of our lives is over we can now move on. Then it all goes to hell again. We have spent hundreds on health care professionals to little avail. Read every textbook, watched videos, sought advice from other parents, been to family therapy, individual therapy, psychiatry, occupational therapy, hospital, day centres, and still we are in this awful dark place. Every one of us is mentally unwell , all of us are in therapy with two or more specialists. We have all been driven to the edge, because of the neurological mental health condition my daughter has – who knows what that is, many have had their various theories. Pathological Demand Avoidance seems the best fit, but still doesn’t quite fit. She is an extrovert but autistic. Incredibly intelligent. Often as mature as a 16-year-old – but also as immature as a two-year-old the next with huge aggression, nasty words, and screaming. Desperately wants friendship – but burns every bridge in them by lying to them, deceiving them, stealing from them, making demands from them. Desperate to be someone she is not, and seemingly not able to find who she really is. Helpful, polite, friendly, charming to each new person she meets. Nasty, mean, resentful, demanding and aggressive toward anyone who SHE thinks has done her wrong. Often deeply loving, empathic and kind, but also often cruel, rude and unfair. Wants to control everything in her world. Is confused about her feelings, to the point of self harming and suicidal thoughts. Our marriage is on the rocks. My husband has anger management problems. My son is falling over the edge now, the most gentle and forgiving soul out there - he now doesn’t want to live here anymore and is so afraid of what is happening to us. – He is 15. After 12 and a half long years being her primary carer, I am now in a heap – sick with depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome – I have been driven to the edge and have already fallen off the cliff once, I am dangerously close to falling off it again. My daughter doesn’t understand who she is, where she is going, how she can help herself, or how she can help her family. She loves us all dearly but is very mentally unwell. We need help.

Crofts_Girl Issues between husband and sibling causing me stress and mild depression.
  • replies: 4

Hi I don't know what to do. It's so stressful having my husband not get along with my older sister and father. Ever since me and my husband have been having issues in February last year (2020) after our honeymoon, my older sister and father have chan... View more

Hi I don't know what to do. It's so stressful having my husband not get along with my older sister and father. Ever since me and my husband have been having issues in February last year (2020) after our honeymoon, my older sister and father have changed their tune about him, especially with his drinking triggering my PTSD and mild depression. What changed their tune completely about my husband was back in March this year, when one day I was experiencing what my psychologist referred to it as a severe anxiety attack, he would not come home to help me from a "goddamn cricket game" he was scoring for. My older sister called me and helped calm me down, and I eventually calmed down. I stayed with my older sister and her family for a couple of days, which at the end before I left, was a disaster. I didn't know how to tell my older sister whom, I was working for at the time, that I wanted to leave her company and go back to full-time office work as a receptionist. I am scared of my older sister, and I didn't know how to tell her, which is what triggered my anxiety attack. After I told my sister, my anxiety was sky high, and she took it personally, thinking that it was because of the problems that me and my husband were having is the reason that I made the decision to leave. But it never was, as I explained before. Ever since, their have been issues between my older sister and husband. Because my older sister was blaming my husband, she was telling everyone in the family trying to get them to side with her and not even to think about asking my husband for his side of the story. I hate being in the middle of them. I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to my older sister and my husband. Husband with his drinking that upsets me, and my older sister who gets me anxious and overwhelmed. Both of whom cause me anxiety, PTSD and depression. My depression leading to having negative thoughts about self harming myself, which I have a history of since I was 13 years old. Being 6 months pregnant, I still have moments remembering everything that I went through during this period in March, which I don't need because it then is putting stress on my baby. I thought removing myself from the situations with both of them, it would help, but living with my husband and being constantly nagged by both parents to speak with my older sister, makes it difficult.

RQuartz PLEASE HELP - My parents are going to hate me
  • replies: 16

I just found out I failed my first year of medical school. Even writing that sentence, I did it with a heavy feeling in my heart. I’m absolutely begging anyone to please hear me out because I desperately need advice. First, I’ll need to give some con... View more

I just found out I failed my first year of medical school. Even writing that sentence, I did it with a heavy feeling in my heart. I’m absolutely begging anyone to please hear me out because I desperately need advice. First, I’ll need to give some context. I’m in my late teens (and considered quite young among my cohort), and my entire life, I have been extremely studious. For this, I must owe a lot of credit to my overbearing father. Ever since childhood, he has always pushed me to study and I’ve always listened. During my final year of high school, I was pushed beyond breaking point. It’s a long story, but over that year, I developed severe anxiety. It got to the point where I could barely eat, drink or leave the house. Even today, I struggle with leaving the house and am slowly going through exposure therapy (it has been a long healing process due to COVID restrictions). I have struggled intensely, yet all this time, my father never knew. He still doesn’t know. It is hard to describe the type of person he is but he would never understand. He is extremely belittling towards people with mental health disorders. My mother knows, and supports me as much as she can whilst keeping it from my father. We had all our classes online this year because of COVID restrictions, and I didn’t make a single friend in my new university cohort. The degree is the most difficult thing I have ever undertaken in my life - and my university makes this course notoriously difficult. One thing led to another, and despite my best efforts, I failed. Our results have not come out yet, but I have been informed that I have failed a threshold exam with no opportunity to remediate. I will have to repeat this entire year all over again. I really did not expect it. I am so afraid. My mother will be disappointed and probably won’t speak to me for days. My father will go back to berating me all year. He might get physical. He might kick me out (I have no income and no family besides my parents in this country, so I would be screwed). I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to do after I inevitably let him know. Please, I’m absolutely begging someone to give me some advice here. My mind is going wild and I am considering every option. I no longer wish to exist and I really am holding on with every ounce of my being. Repeating is going to be awful. Another year stuck on a campus which I am afraid to be in (my anxiety is so awful that I can barely go shopping - imagine me stuck in a room with many other students for hours). My father will hate me. He will unleash his anger on my mother. She will be crying from the way he treats her and it will be all my fault. I won’t have anyone. I don’t deserve anyone. My mother is such an angel and she doesn’t deserve someone as broken and awful as me. I love her so much, and she deserves the best. She says she’s proud of me, but I often wish she wouldn’t. I know I’m worthless, and everytime she says she’s proud of me, it reminds me of how she doesn’t know what it's like to have a child truly worth being proud of. And it’s all my fault. And despite everything, I love my father. I love the father that I’ve gotten to know this year. The one that tells me how wonderful I am for being a future doctor, the one that smiles with pride when his friends ask about me, the one that buys me treats to reward me for being in medical school. I can’t believe I am going to lose him the moment I tell him I failed, and he will be replaced with the old version, the father that berates me all the time. I am going to miss him so much. Sometimes, I really do feel alone in this world.

Drew82 Wife and I Separating
  • replies: 9

Hey guys. Not sure what I'm going to get out of this as it's literally the first time in my entire life I can remember reaching out to anyone for any kind of emotional support. My wife has told me a week ago she wants to separate. She is and has been... View more

Hey guys. Not sure what I'm going to get out of this as it's literally the first time in my entire life I can remember reaching out to anyone for any kind of emotional support. My wife has told me a week ago she wants to separate. She is and has been seeing someone else. She has been spending a lot of time with a guy from her work since around Christmas and everytime I raised any kind of concern I was met with the usual, "He's just a friend, I don't have many friends, you have nothing to worry about". I work away for work for 4 and 5 days at a time and my 8 year old daughter has told me he has been coming round while I have been away. I guess I knew it was the end but I was ignorant and hoped the situation would fix itself. Finally she admitted she has been having an affair with him and wants to separate. I have chosen to leave. I have gotten approved to rent a cheap appartment which I don't even know if I can take because I don't have bond+2 weeks rent sitting there ready to go. We have been fairly cival when discussing kids etc. But am still lost. I am literally only taking the spare bed, my computer, my motorcycle and my car. I know I am leaving with nothing despite working hard for everything we have bought together over the past 11 years. But my kids are upset about the situation as it is and I don't want to strip their home apart. I want it to feel as normal as it can for them. I feel so empty and lost. I have eaten next to nothing this last week, started smoking again after being off them for 5 years. I am still staying at the house until I can get out and I've moved into the spare room. My wife goes out and stays with her new love interest almost every night and it hurts everytime she leaves. I just keep putting on a brave face for everyone and acting like I'm fine. But I'm far from it.

ApsaraJane Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter
  • replies: 11

Hi. I'm newly remarried in a blended family situation. My husband has 2 adult daughters in their late 20's. Things were great until his oldest daughter moved in with us. She is usually in some form of crisis. Her dad has always been there to get her ... View more

Hi. I'm newly remarried in a blended family situation. My husband has 2 adult daughters in their late 20's. Things were great until his oldest daughter moved in with us. She is usually in some form of crisis. Her dad has always been there to get her out of trouble. She became more money for bills. Husband would just give her his credit card and she would wrack up expenses. She now owes us around $12,000 which she believes she is entitled to this money. I was not consulted on giving her money, he just tells me after he's done it. At one stage he discussed her money situation with his ex-wife, and she wanted us to give more money to his daughters. So he did, but without speaking with me. When we moved in all together, my presence in the same room was her upsetting her and I had to leave when she was there. This is in my own home. She even did this in front of my husband, storming out of a room in tears because I happened to walk in at the same time. He asked me "what did you do to her?". There were regular tantrums about bizarre things and slights I was supposed to have done to her. All this time I kept asking my husband to work with me to talk with her and find out what was going on. He didn't want to be involved - saying it was strictly a conflict between the two of us and he was only the meat in the sandwich. He asked me to make sure that she had her own space inside our home and I had to make sure I didn't upset her - as I was causing her depression. I told him she had to move out. My husband just doesn't want to listen to how I feel, but conceded he thinks she has had bipolar. We have had so many arguments about how to managed this issue. He says that none of this is disrespect, let alone abuse. I am just overdramatizing his daughter's behaviors. I think she is likely to be uBPD and they are enmeshed. They are co-dependent and enabling her behaviors by turning a blind eye. So - where to next? We have started marriage counselling, with the counsellor telling me I have no childhood trauma triggers, I have unhelpful thinking and I need to get some CBT. He said I need to "put on my big girl pants and build a bridge". That I'm an aggressive person and my poor husband just wants a life without conflict. Am I crazy to want to deal with the disrespect? Should I just forget the disrespect and move on? How? I honestly don't want to be married to him anymore. I want to heal from these feelings of disrespect which have resurfaced, by myself. TIA

mick_1972 Marriage break down due to my mental health
  • replies: 4

Hi my marriage has broken down/over after 25 years married and together for 28 years due to my mental health severe depression and anxiety the part that i am not coping with is being alone as i have no family living close to me and only have a couple... View more

Hi my marriage has broken down/over after 25 years married and together for 28 years due to my mental health severe depression and anxiety the part that i am not coping with is being alone as i have no family living close to me and only have a couple of close friends i hate coming home to a house that is empty every night after work and spending the weekends alone is making my mental health worse but i dont want to seem to be a burden on my close friends so i spend the majority of my time alone .i was wondering how other people cope in this situation

Ijustneedhelp Disliking In-laws???
  • replies: 3

Ok, This is a serious issue I've been really struggling with for a long time. My wife's family are separated. Her Dads side of the family are awesome. No complaints. We get along and have is many things in common. Without sounding like a complete @**... View more

Ok, This is a serious issue I've been really struggling with for a long time. My wife's family are separated. Her Dads side of the family are awesome. No complaints. We get along and have is many things in common. Without sounding like a complete @***ole because I know this is a horrible thing to feel her mums side of the family I really struggle with because of their life choices and the way they treat people and my wife when we were dating at the time. We have had a discussion and she still wants to see her mums side but only sees her mum as a friend which I don't understand but I'm not gonna question it. My issue is, I feel like I can't stand them but I want to support my wife but my dumb temper/ego gets in the way. I feel like past history I can't help but paint any of their actions in a negative light. Are there any ways I can support my wife and this side of her family without showing I really dont like them???

Martoner Partner has left due to depression
  • replies: 2

Hi Guys, Me and my partner had been together for 8 years, Im 28 and shes 27. She has been struggling mentally for probably the last 3 months. I've been really supportive during this time but last week on monday she sat me down and said she cant do th... View more

Hi Guys, Me and my partner had been together for 8 years, Im 28 and shes 27. She has been struggling mentally for probably the last 3 months. I've been really supportive during this time but last week on monday she sat me down and said she cant do this anymore which was a bit of a shock. We are still talking on a daily basis just not as much to give her space and she still comes and sees me every 3 or so days. Its been extremely tough especially not having her around, We recently moved into our new home about 6 months ago. I'm now here by myself and she has moved into her mums which is about 5 minutes away. She has said it wasn't about leaving ME its about not loving herself and her very low self esteem. I didn't realise during the time how much it was actually affecting her. I respect her completely that she does need some time to her self and we both believe in time we hold a lot of hope we are forever partners and will be together again. I truly believe we're soul mates. We've been together throughout our 20s and accomplished so much together and we still are deeply in love. I'm just wondering has anyone have any stories or experience they've through with this very similar thing, especially a partner leaving due to mental health and eventually finding there way and coming back into the relationship. What you did during that time to help and what should i be doing and avoiding. I'm currently giving her all the space she needs and I only message her when she messages me etc.. Thanks for reading, I hope this makes sense and i hope to hear from some people with similar experiences.

PsychedelicFur Sometimes I Yearn For A Love So Deep
  • replies: 2

I yearn for a love and connection so deep and profound. I do love myself. And I have been, as of lately, really reflecting and going internally to see how I can become the best version of myself FOR myself. It’s just sometimes (not all of the time) I... View more

I yearn for a love and connection so deep and profound. I do love myself. And I have been, as of lately, really reflecting and going internally to see how I can become the best version of myself FOR myself. It’s just sometimes (not all of the time) I yearn for a deep, sincere and passionate connection. I really appreciate finding kindred spirits and I love to build connections with people before rushing into anything too extravagant. I know you can find love in many other forms like : family, pets, nature, hobbies/passions etc. However, I look around me and see so many people my age in committed relationships. My first, proper relationship was disastrous, to say the least. I was psychologically and emotionally abused by my ex. I just want to find a strong bond and connection. Something authentic and genuine. I know there is nothing wrong with me. And I also acknowledge that I still need to heal from my previous relationship.. however, I hope one day there will be someone out there for me who will treat me very respectfully and cherish me. No mixed messages and absolutely no crumbs. Just an authentic, passionate and beautiful love. It’s just nice to feel special sometimes. PF.

Garfield2020 How to deal with lack of closure concerning a history of mistreatment from a parent
  • replies: 6

Hi, for context, I'm 19 and a full-time university student. I live with my sister, father, and mother (this is all important). And I guess in the last year or so, I've been kinda figuring out that I have essentially mummy issues. Also I hope I posted... View more

Hi, for context, I'm 19 and a full-time university student. I live with my sister, father, and mother (this is all important). And I guess in the last year or so, I've been kinda figuring out that I have essentially mummy issues. Also I hope I posted this in the right place as well. She was pretty crappy to me and my sister when we were younger. She was pretty angry. Sorry for not going into any detail or anything but my dad + sister agree with me when I say that she was pretty crap. I don't really know how this has affected me otherwise but her talking to me, knowing that she's listening to me when I talk, and talking to her makes her uncomfortable. I can't have her in my peripheral vision either as that also makes me uncomfortable. And when she does try to deal with me, I automatically lash out. We've tried to talk to her, had a big family conversation but my dad (who was meant to be the mediator) just backed out and it felt like me and my sister were debating with my mum instead of actually talking about it. And I did feel like a lot of the problems I mentioned, especially with my experience coming out to her (I'm queer), she denied ever happened. Like events she denied, saying they didn't happen and generally laughed it off (which she does whenever this is brought up) even if me and my sister both remember it. Or she will remember the event and spin it as harmless when I remember being a confused and afraid kid for example. And she tries to tell convince me that what she did was justified when it really wasn't. And that I guess gives me unresolved issues which make me lash out at her when she tries to interact with me. And I know that makes me sound really immature but I genuinely don't know how else to communicate with her. And my dad saying she was an asshole when I was younger is almost the only thing validating that these issues and events that happened weren't actually made up and that I'm not just blowing it out of proportion or fabricating it out of thin air. I'm just generally very out of my depth and pretty young in the grand scheme of things. I don't want to make up with her and don't feel comfortable doing so but how I deal with the fact that I'll probably never get any closure or any apology? How do I cope with this???