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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Nitro996 Wife for 11yrs wants to separate (feeling lost)
  • replies: 6

Hello I am not typically the person to share my internal issues with anyone (including my wife, maybe that's the problem) typically I keep to myself and don't have many friends (and have been distant with the ones I have) I'm a mechanic and I work aw... View more

Hello I am not typically the person to share my internal issues with anyone (including my wife, maybe that's the problem) typically I keep to myself and don't have many friends (and have been distant with the ones I have) I'm a mechanic and I work away for a week or two at a time, when I came home about 2 months ago my wife (11yrs, meet in school and been together 16yrs) asked for space and was ready to leave, she felt she had no option I offered to stay elsewhere to not disturb our boys (6 and 3) after a night apart and a few nights sleeping in different beds I felt we were on the right path we were seeing a counsellor, we went on a date, we were communicating more 5 days ago I came home from work to find my wife once again waiting for me ready to leave we had a short very painful discussion where she explained how she is not sure she knows who she is anymore and doesn't know if she wants to be with me and needs time without me to find out I didnt (and not sure if I do now) quite understand why or how me not being there is going to help, but I still very much love her and want to support her no matter what so I offered to leave once again for our boys (as they are use to me not being home) the next day I took the boys to school and childcare and discussed with my wife moving forward she agreed to let me stay in the house and look after the boys till the end of the weekend and then I would have to find somewhere else to live for the foreseeable future (this was so painful to hear), a full on separation the past few days have been really terrible, however eye opening I feel I have been a terrible husband and father my wife did so much for me and I so little in return I feel so much pain and anger for the person I have been and so much sorrow for what I have done to her that she feels this is her only option I feel physically sick and am not sleeping much (I am still forcing myself to eat and drinking plenty of water) I want to be a better person and father and husband, I am just not sure I know how and I feel its too little, too late on the positive side I feel I am personally on the right path I have been reading a self help book on marriage and reading a lot of posts on these forums and now am opening up to you and the few close friends I have, and spending quality time with my boys and I have realised how wonderfully my wife has raised them practically as a single mother, they truly are great, kind, caring little male versions of my wife thank you for listening

Grivven plik I will seperate from my wife soon. Where do I stand?
  • replies: 9

Hi all. My wife of 10 years was an alcoholic for 6.5 of those years. She's a wonderful person to have successfully recovered from her addiction. I have a lot of respect for her. We have a 6 year old, and he loves her very much. She's a great mum now.... View more

Hi all. My wife of 10 years was an alcoholic for 6.5 of those years. She's a wonderful person to have successfully recovered from her addiction. I have a lot of respect for her. We have a 6 year old, and he loves her very much. She's a great mum now. During the long years of her addiction, she was terrifying to live with. I was often in fear for her life, our sons life and sometimes my own. There were many traumatising events, and I am currently seeing some psychologists to deal with them. Despite being sober, she can still be hostile and resentful to me in extreme ways, and also (rarely) to our son. One of my psychologists thinks she could have Borderline Personality Disorder. She has good support, but no diagnosis, and I don't feel safe enough yet to raise that possibility with her. I also have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and can see now that I have coped through all the conflict by pushing my own needs and wants to the background, to avoid conflict, rejection and overwhelm. I am medicated and doing ok with that now but I can see clearer now and have decided I need to leave. I am worried about finances. It is likely we could have a 50 50 split of our child, but It might be that she has more, as It would be easier for me to move out and for him to stay in the home he knows. I believe this generally means a higher split of assets for her? I guess this is the tough part, what about me. Is there a way that some compensation can be factored into the asset split to account for the damage I took in supporting her during her addiction years? Does this ever happen? A major reason I stayed with her was to wait until she was solid and reliable as a parent. I helped her get sober, and I constantly supported and encouraged her career pursuits. I would not leave if she was not safe with him. God I'm lucky she has gotten sober. But, there were violent events in our child's first year where she lashed out at him and I had to put my own body in the line of strikes. It hurt me in a way i am still only just coming to grips with now. Sometimes she would drive drunk with him. Very drunk. I was afraid to say no to sex. I struggle daily with my sleep, sometimes having nightmares, sometimes having daytime vivid horror daydreams, not of her attacking, but just me needing to be ready to fight for my life and his. I struggle with sex now. She has gone forward, I have gone backward. Where do I stand? What are my best first handful of steps to take?

ChrisM0502 Dealing with being the person who hurt their partner
  • replies: 9

Thank you for your understanding before reading my post. I made the wrong decision to send inappropriate text msgs to another person behind my partners back and my partner rightly left me. I am struggling with dealing with this. I genuinely love my p... View more

Thank you for your understanding before reading my post. I made the wrong decision to send inappropriate text msgs to another person behind my partners back and my partner rightly left me. I am struggling with dealing with this. I genuinely love my partner and have committed to working with a counsellor to work through my mistake and have been doing so for 2 months now. My partner still keeps in touch and I have not pushed this from my end. She has organised a few catch ups in recent weeks and even came to my home last week crying her eyes out due to some work issues she was having. I sat with her and talk to her and we held hands and I gave her a big hug. On the weekend just gone she suggested another catch up. Last night she sent me a text msg saying she got stressed and sad whenever she saw me and she can't go back to what we were. I understand that I have no say in this and my post here isn't about this as I can't control how she is feeling. I just feel somewhat confused about how her actions (catch ups, being emotionally supported by my) doesn't appear to match her thoughts in the text msgs. How do I approach this?

MissCassie Dealing with social rejection
  • replies: 7

In the past few weeks, I have had four out of five friends cancel planned catch-ups. One cancelled a couple of days before, but had originally set the date and made new plans afterwards. Another didn't bother showing up at all or even messaging to sa... View more

In the past few weeks, I have had four out of five friends cancel planned catch-ups. One cancelled a couple of days before, but had originally set the date and made new plans afterwards. Another didn't bother showing up at all or even messaging to say she wasn't coming. The third rescheduled on me several times, only to ultimately disappear at an event we were attending together - and then she left me with one of her other friends I didn't know. And the fourth had a sick teenage son - which is obviously a valid reason to cancel, but still sucks (especially because this has happened several times before). On their own, I can usually deal with cancellations - and I understand things come up, but I'm really starting to feel defeated and alone. I have a lovely family, and the rest of my life is great, but these events all happening on top of each other has really gotten me down (the same thing seems to happen each year around this time). I feel that because I come across as bubbly and easy-going, people can dismiss me - or assume I can just work around them. I once had someone actually tell me that I would be more understanding than another person they had a conflicting appointment with, so they cancelled on me. I then start to wonder if people don't want to spend time with me. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I feel like very few actually care enough to see me unless they have nothing better to do. During lockdown last year, I only had one person contact me first to see how I was. I feel if I didn't make the effort to initiate contact, I would never talk to anyone. (I do have a few women I feel I can rely on most of the time, but one is currently living overseas and another is a fairly new friendship, and I don't want to scare her off by coming on too strong.) How do other people cope with social rejection? I feel like I've gotten better at understanding it doesn't just happen to me, but it still hurts to feel like you're putting in a lot of effort for little return.

Zedman Wife of 25 years cheated on me due to depression.
  • replies: 8

I have been married for 25 years. 3½ years ago my wife started and affair the ended a year ago. Her psychologist has diagnosed her as having had depression. I understand the reason behind the affair but as I have never had depression I still don't un... View more

I have been married for 25 years. 3½ years ago my wife started and affair the ended a year ago. Her psychologist has diagnosed her as having had depression. I understand the reason behind the affair but as I have never had depression I still don't understand how she could do it to me. I feel our relationship is in a good place now and I want to move forward but I struggle every day with what she did.

Hyacinth09 Feeling lost in relationship
  • replies: 4

Hello, I've been feeling really down lately. I met my boyfriend when I was working in the UK and I'm in Australia, due to Covid, we've been separated for nearly 2.5 years. When I left the UK I wanted to come back to the UK, but now I'm having doubts.... View more

Hello, I've been feeling really down lately. I met my boyfriend when I was working in the UK and I'm in Australia, due to Covid, we've been separated for nearly 2.5 years. When I left the UK I wanted to come back to the UK, but now I'm having doubts. I've been quite unlucky with finding a job, and have been living with my folks for 2.5 years. They've been supportive but I'm at an age (30) where I should be living my own life but I can't have my own life because I haven't been able to find a job, afford to move out, and establish my sense of self and identity. Lately, I was offered what I thought would be an ideal job. It's in the industry I wish to excel in. However, because there were several red flags, I turned it down. Initially I thought I made the right decision but now, having some slight regrets. My BF said he would support me even if I took the job but obviously he's happier, because I turned down the job as he believes it would mean I will get back to the UK quicker. Ever since turning down the job, I've been feeling really low and have been crying for the past 3 days. Even though I told myself I made the right choice, nothing seems to motivate me, nothing feels right, I feel regretful of all my choices. I quite literally sit and watch the day go by. I told my BF how I felt, how I wanted to re-connect with my identity and just wanted some alone time to re-discover my sense of self as I've been denied this for quite some time. By nature, I'm an introvert who likes being alone. He didn't take it well, even though he knows I've a big decision to make in whether to move back to the UK. He said I was holding on to him until I find something better, he pushed me to set a date of my return which I told him (so he would get off my back). The other issue is our age gap, he is heading towards retirement while I should be, if things actually had worked out for me career-wise, I should be making serious career decisions or at least have established myself in my career. He keeps telling me he can't wait any longer and I said to him to forget it if he just wants someone to be on the same "life journey" (someone his own age). I've stayed in Australia for longer than I have intended (thanks to pandemic) and now am feeling "settled back" in Australia and the prospect of returning to the UK is dimmer than 2 years ago. I feel suffocated; after I told him my problems with feeling lost, he's pushed me to make a decision about returning to the UK. Am I being unfair?

Loulabelle81 Anxiety over in sister in law visit.
  • replies: 12

Hi all, My partner has just advised that his sister is hoping to visit later in the new year and it is giving me incredible anxiety. I actually feel like I want to leave him and end the relationship rather than have her stay in our home and be around... View more

Hi all, My partner has just advised that his sister is hoping to visit later in the new year and it is giving me incredible anxiety. I actually feel like I want to leave him and end the relationship rather than have her stay in our home and be around our kids for so long. I’d be more than happy to go to visit them and for us to stay in a hotel and spend time with them for a few hours here and there. But the thought of her being in my home for 2 weeks is too much to bear. We have a long history of her attempting to ostracise me from the family and resorting to almost bullying tactics. I’m not the only one - she’s also done this to her dads partner and her mums partner. After I fell pregnant she started making lots of demands about seeing our daughter when she was born. She is very entitled when it comes to blood relatives and can be very possessive. She was like this with my partner when we lived near her where she would often get jealous and cause rows between us. I really don’t want her in my home or around my kids. I’d be happy if she stayed elsewhere and had other things to do so that it isn’t so intense. But her being in my home and scrutinising everything is really sending my anxiety through the roof. How do I handle this situation? I am worried that my partner will be angry and that it will be made out that I am causing problems with them (this has been the case before - I was accused of getting pregnant to trap him, to stopping him from seeing and speaking to his family - I have no issue with them being in contact and spending time - it’s the intrusiveness of it and the intensity of it that I have issue with. Please help!

Ammee Feeling utterly depleted - Our family needs help.
  • replies: 24

Our household is falling apart after almost five years of a hard long battle with our daughter’s mental health. It’s always one step forward, two or three steps back. Sometimes the one step forward lasts quite some time, and you are lulled into the f... View more

Our household is falling apart after almost five years of a hard long battle with our daughter’s mental health. It’s always one step forward, two or three steps back. Sometimes the one step forward lasts quite some time, and you are lulled into the falsehood of thinking, finally, this period of our lives is over we can now move on. Then it all goes to hell again. We have spent hundreds on health care professionals to little avail. Read every textbook, watched videos, sought advice from other parents, been to family therapy, individual therapy, psychiatry, occupational therapy, hospital, day centres, and still we are in this awful dark place. Every one of us is mentally unwell , all of us are in therapy with two or more specialists. We have all been driven to the edge, because of the neurological mental health condition my daughter has – who knows what that is, many have had their various theories. Pathological Demand Avoidance seems the best fit, but still doesn’t quite fit. She is an extrovert but autistic. Incredibly intelligent. Often as mature as a 16-year-old – but also as immature as a two-year-old the next with huge aggression, nasty words, and screaming. Desperately wants friendship – but burns every bridge in them by lying to them, deceiving them, stealing from them, making demands from them. Desperate to be someone she is not, and seemingly not able to find who she really is. Helpful, polite, friendly, charming to each new person she meets. Nasty, mean, resentful, demanding and aggressive toward anyone who SHE thinks has done her wrong. Often deeply loving, empathic and kind, but also often cruel, rude and unfair. Wants to control everything in her world. Is confused about her feelings, to the point of self harming and suicidal thoughts. Our marriage is on the rocks. My husband has anger management problems. My son is falling over the edge now, the most gentle and forgiving soul out there - he now doesn’t want to live here anymore and is so afraid of what is happening to us. – He is 15. After 12 and a half long years being her primary carer, I am now in a heap – sick with depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome – I have been driven to the edge and have already fallen off the cliff once, I am dangerously close to falling off it again. My daughter doesn’t understand who she is, where she is going, how she can help herself, or how she can help her family. She loves us all dearly but is very mentally unwell. We need help.

Crofts_Girl Issues between husband and sibling causing me stress and mild depression.
  • replies: 4

Hi I don't know what to do. It's so stressful having my husband not get along with my older sister and father. Ever since me and my husband have been having issues in February last year (2020) after our honeymoon, my older sister and father have chan... View more

Hi I don't know what to do. It's so stressful having my husband not get along with my older sister and father. Ever since me and my husband have been having issues in February last year (2020) after our honeymoon, my older sister and father have changed their tune about him, especially with his drinking triggering my PTSD and mild depression. What changed their tune completely about my husband was back in March this year, when one day I was experiencing what my psychologist referred to it as a severe anxiety attack, he would not come home to help me from a "goddamn cricket game" he was scoring for. My older sister called me and helped calm me down, and I eventually calmed down. I stayed with my older sister and her family for a couple of days, which at the end before I left, was a disaster. I didn't know how to tell my older sister whom, I was working for at the time, that I wanted to leave her company and go back to full-time office work as a receptionist. I am scared of my older sister, and I didn't know how to tell her, which is what triggered my anxiety attack. After I told my sister, my anxiety was sky high, and she took it personally, thinking that it was because of the problems that me and my husband were having is the reason that I made the decision to leave. But it never was, as I explained before. Ever since, their have been issues between my older sister and husband. Because my older sister was blaming my husband, she was telling everyone in the family trying to get them to side with her and not even to think about asking my husband for his side of the story. I hate being in the middle of them. I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to my older sister and my husband. Husband with his drinking that upsets me, and my older sister who gets me anxious and overwhelmed. Both of whom cause me anxiety, PTSD and depression. My depression leading to having negative thoughts about self harming myself, which I have a history of since I was 13 years old. Being 6 months pregnant, I still have moments remembering everything that I went through during this period in March, which I don't need because it then is putting stress on my baby. I thought removing myself from the situations with both of them, it would help, but living with my husband and being constantly nagged by both parents to speak with my older sister, makes it difficult.

RQuartz PLEASE HELP - My parents are going to hate me
  • replies: 16

I just found out I failed my first year of medical school. Even writing that sentence, I did it with a heavy feeling in my heart. I’m absolutely begging anyone to please hear me out because I desperately need advice. First, I’ll need to give some con... View more

I just found out I failed my first year of medical school. Even writing that sentence, I did it with a heavy feeling in my heart. I’m absolutely begging anyone to please hear me out because I desperately need advice. First, I’ll need to give some context. I’m in my late teens (and considered quite young among my cohort), and my entire life, I have been extremely studious. For this, I must owe a lot of credit to my overbearing father. Ever since childhood, he has always pushed me to study and I’ve always listened. During my final year of high school, I was pushed beyond breaking point. It’s a long story, but over that year, I developed severe anxiety. It got to the point where I could barely eat, drink or leave the house. Even today, I struggle with leaving the house and am slowly going through exposure therapy (it has been a long healing process due to COVID restrictions). I have struggled intensely, yet all this time, my father never knew. He still doesn’t know. It is hard to describe the type of person he is but he would never understand. He is extremely belittling towards people with mental health disorders. My mother knows, and supports me as much as she can whilst keeping it from my father. We had all our classes online this year because of COVID restrictions, and I didn’t make a single friend in my new university cohort. The degree is the most difficult thing I have ever undertaken in my life - and my university makes this course notoriously difficult. One thing led to another, and despite my best efforts, I failed. Our results have not come out yet, but I have been informed that I have failed a threshold exam with no opportunity to remediate. I will have to repeat this entire year all over again. I really did not expect it. I am so afraid. My mother will be disappointed and probably won’t speak to me for days. My father will go back to berating me all year. He might get physical. He might kick me out (I have no income and no family besides my parents in this country, so I would be screwed). I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to do after I inevitably let him know. Please, I’m absolutely begging someone to give me some advice here. My mind is going wild and I am considering every option. I no longer wish to exist and I really am holding on with every ounce of my being. Repeating is going to be awful. Another year stuck on a campus which I am afraid to be in (my anxiety is so awful that I can barely go shopping - imagine me stuck in a room with many other students for hours). My father will hate me. He will unleash his anger on my mother. She will be crying from the way he treats her and it will be all my fault. I won’t have anyone. I don’t deserve anyone. My mother is such an angel and she doesn’t deserve someone as broken and awful as me. I love her so much, and she deserves the best. She says she’s proud of me, but I often wish she wouldn’t. I know I’m worthless, and everytime she says she’s proud of me, it reminds me of how she doesn’t know what it's like to have a child truly worth being proud of. And it’s all my fault. And despite everything, I love my father. I love the father that I’ve gotten to know this year. The one that tells me how wonderful I am for being a future doctor, the one that smiles with pride when his friends ask about me, the one that buys me treats to reward me for being in medical school. I can’t believe I am going to lose him the moment I tell him I failed, and he will be replaced with the old version, the father that berates me all the time. I am going to miss him so much. Sometimes, I really do feel alone in this world.