Wife has left because of my childhood trauma that i didn't recognise until now

[Dav67]

Having grown up in a migrant household with an abusive father (both physical and psychological), i was not aware that these traumas would manifest in my adult life. My wife of over 30 years has decided to seperate for the time being (although i think this could be it). My behaviour over the years was hot and cold. Grumpy and angry for no apparent reason to loving the next. My ignorance to how this impacted on my wife and her mental health is  embarrassing. She has tried to love and help me over the years but i found that difficult to accept due to the nature of my trauma . I am currently seeing a psychologist to help with the trauma but i desperately want to be with my wife again. How do i earn her forgiveness?

[ecomama]

Dear Dav67, welcome, 

I'm so sorry all this has happened in your marriage and now you're separated. 

I'm also sorry for the abuse you suffered as a young person. Our family shapes us in so many ways, some hidden and some very confusing to us in adulthood. 

Congratulations for taking the steps to see a Psych. That's a very positive step. I hope those sessions really benefit you. You may find that talking about the difficult stuff at times can leave you spinning. I hope your Psych is skilled enough to show you grounding techniques to help you cope during this. 

30 years is a very long marriage. Feeling shame or embarrassment for what we've done to other people is a shared human experience for the majority of us. Acknowledging your vulnerability and having the courage to get help is admirable. 
Brene Brown has stacks of free, online material to watch on YouTube.
Her Netflix special is so comforting and funny too! She's a shame, vulnerability, courage, gratitude and more researcher. 

How do you earn your wife's forgiveness? 
Apologise and ask for it. 

The deeper question being "How do I get my wife back?", you know there are no guarantees, no matter what you do. The damage may already be done. 
Working through these thoughts with your Psych could be helpful. 

Best wishes
EM

[Juliet_84]

Hi Dav67,

Do you only want forgiveness from your wife, or do you want to get her back? Irrespective, I would say that both destinations ultimately take the same route. What people want to see is accountability, owning up to the hard truths and not making excuses for your actions, followed by changed behavior. Your wife didn’t leave you because of your unrealized childhood trauma, she left because you were angry and difficult to live with and somewhere inside you felt entitled to take it out on her (I say that because if it’s only the two of you at home, who else is the recipient?). A great deal of us have childhood trauma but it doesn’t give us the right to inflict it on our loved ones. I am pretty sure that that is the type of accountability she is looking for. Followed by changed behavior, which is proven over time. At this stage, I would almost put the thought of getting back together out of your mind and focus on addressing your issues/past traumas. That is what she will want to see, and will no doubt be skeptical of promises to change and pressure to get back together. I think it is achievable, it’s not easy to leave a >30 year marriage, but it will depend on how hard you are willing to work for it. 

[Petal22]

Hi Dav67,

I'm sorry that the way you were raised has impacted you in your adult life.

It's great that you have now recognised this and can now understand where your behaviors stemmed from and now you can challenge those thoughts and beliefs and work on changing your behaviors.

This can turn around your whole future around for the positive because you can now try to let go of the past and move forward into the person you want to be.

It may take time for your wife to come to a place of healing and forgiveness with in herself but give it time because time heals all wounds.

[geoff]

Hello Dav, I too am very sorry this has happened to you, and as she has tried to comfort you over the years then you need to get the help you need before she may return.

Much has happened over 30 years, good and unfortunately bad, but all marriages go through this but can I suggest that you try and change your outlook on life, may be she doesn't want to return to the same situation but to a new life.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Dav67]

Thanks for the advice. This will be a long road to recovery

[Dav67]

All fair points raised . I have accepted that i am the problem that has caused this rift between us. With my moodiness, i tended to internalise how i felt until i need to vent. My venting usually was aimed at inanimate objects or tasks that i was doing that were not going as planned. I know understand that this was taken personally by my wife. I never thought that me venting at tasks that i was doing around the house was aimed at my wife. I have a lot of growing to do

[Dav67]

I have no doubt that it will take a lot of time and that there may never be a return to married life. I have taken full responsibility for my actions and recently have spoken to my father about my upbringing. He did not fully comprehend the gravity of the situation but he also came from a post war abusive situation from a step father. Unfortunately our shared "normal" upbringing was nowhere near normal

[ecomama]

Thanks for coming back and replying to the posts other members have written. 

How are you doing today? 

EM

[Dav67]

Thanks again, She did tell me that i need to learn to love myself first. The backstory to my upbringing is extensive. Essentially my childhood was taken from me early in life and i was expected to take on adult responsibilies without the emotional intelligence to deal with the situations that i was confronted with. With reflection i have started viewing life differently. My psychologist is helping me traverse this path of renewal