Struggling six months post break-up

[catlady67]

6 months ago, my fiance (m, 30) moved out of the house we shared. We'd been together for the majority of the last ten years. We were each other's first loves. We'd gone through a miscarriage together, and we now have a 3 year old son.

I get why we broke up, I think. He hadn't touched me in over a year (unless it was sexually), stopped saying he loved me. I wasn't a very nice person either. I made fun of his hobbies, and didn't often make the most of the time we would get together. Despite this though - when we're strong, we're unbreakable. We let our egos get in the way and didn't communicate. 

But. It's been 6 months. I hate coparenting. My son is my world. I want him home every night. I hate this big empty house. I hate having to see my ex a few times a week, and being constantly reminded of him when I look at my son.

Lately, my son has had really big issues with being separated from me. He cries and screams for me when his father takes him, or when I take him to daycare. And that's really affecting me. All I want is for the ex to try relationship counselling like he promised, to give our family another chance. So I'm not torn away from my son so often. Being away from him and being home alone three/four nights a week is destroying me.

Because of this, I've been trying to talk to him about it. He never, ever replies. I can barely get through an hour without sobbing, I currently have a day-long headache from crying too hard last night. 

Being a single mum is hard. Being a single mum who has a spinal cord injury is freaking hard. And my pre-existing depression, anxiety and PTSD complicates things more than I'd like.

I'm about to go dry my tears and pick up my son... from his father's house. There are thoughts that run through my head multiple times a day that I'm not proud of, that I wished I would never experience. It just sucks.

[Croix]

Dear Catlady67~

Welcome to the Forum. I'm so sad you are going thought all this as you love your son, and I suspect may still have feelings for your ex. Sorry if I misunderstand.

I have a similar problems with my body, plus PTSD, depression and anxiety. I'm telling this so you may understand when I say that these illnesses skew thinking -towards all that is black

I thought I was to blame for everything that had gone wrong, as the faults lay within myself nobody could help. So no hope.

It got to the stage where I tried to take my life.

I’m recovered a lot now, and live a happy life and see a future - and I guess that's the most important thing for me.

If you have the same mindset now as I had then you may not see any way out and feel despair as I did.

I dunno if you can change things back with your ex, I don't know what his feelings are - I do know you have talked with him and I'd expect he realises how heart-broken you are. This may not be a plus for everyone as guilt can set in, leaving a person mute and fail to act.

I admit I'm guessing, so please correct me if I've gone astray.

May I ask what assistance you have for your PTSD, depression and anxiety plus your spine on a medical level? I ask as I never improved until I had competent medical assistance. One the depression eased the world seemed a larger place with room for a little hope

I'd also like to ask if you have anyone in your life to support you? A family member or friend perhaps. Not necessarily fix things, but just listen as you speak and let you now they care? Dealing with all this in isolation makes matters harder

There are things you can do when you have the thoughts you wish you did not. My favourite place if I felt overwhelmed has been the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

They can be a comfort, and are professional and caring. You can even phone them more than once wihtout  having to repeat your story.

Yes, it does suck at the moment -no argument. However you have coped with the worst, and there can be changes.

I think that is enough for now, I hope to hear from you again

Croix

[Srouls11]

Hi, it's so hard when we see the kids being impacted by the seperation. I think your on the right track seeking some avenue where you and him can talk deeply about the difficulties. 

I am recently seperated and my ex asked for relationship counselling before seperation I refused. For guys I think sometimes the idea of relationship counselling scares us away, maybe its our own assumption of what it will involve. Your common ground is you child and I assume he loves him like you. Perhaps a setting where you all get together with a professional with the goal of making it better for the kid will identify ideas to make it easier on you all.

I have 4 kids and miss them terribly and hate co parenting to. 

[Croix]

Dear Srouls11~

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for giving support to Catlady67.

I'm sad to read you have recently separated and hate the result, missing your 4 kids and co-parenting. A horrible state to be in.

You did say your ex was suggesting counseling, but you refused, Was that suggestion for both of you, or for yourself? If it was for both of you may I ask if you now thought that refusal might have been a bad move?

If done skillfully the counselor can respect both persons, not just one side, and if both people want it to succeed it often will.

Trying to cope as a co-parent and all that goes with it, often on half a supporting parents benefit is hard. May I ask firstly do you have anyone ot support you? A family member or freind perhaps? If htey can help in practical terms so much the better, but otherwise just to listen to your problems and care. Maybe distract and cheer you up at times.

I guess I also am m=wondering waht oyu would like ot do? Gain full custody or get back together perhaps?

I hope we can talk some more

Croix