Infatuation in marriage

[Rex007]

Hi
My wife of 17years is infatuated on another guy living overseas. She claims that he is like the brothers she doesn't have but earlier on in there relationship she told me that she had fantacised about him once. She said that it was a mistake and that she doesn't think of him in a physical way. However she talks to him twice a day - Every day. I've told her how upset it makes me feel but she just says that she can't control her feelings. It hurts so much that I don't sleep at night. She sleeps just fine.
The only reason that I'm still here (apart from our two kids that I love) is t that I still love her. I also know that for t h e l as t few years she has struggled with mental health issues to do with her family. I supported her as best I could through it all
The strange thing is that this guy is the total opposite personality type and I know that she would never leave the kids to be with him for so many reasons.
I have been seeing a councillor regarding my feelings and we are also seeing a Separate marriage councillor to work on our marriage. His strategy is for us to explore other interests so that we can have something different to talk about. Only I feel with the hurt I'm feeling I'm likely to run off with the first person that showed half an interest in me. It's not what I want. Unfortunately my wife is my one and only best friend which makes the thought of separating impossible to bear.
I'm really confused and gave no idea what to do. I'd love to hear any suggestions or hear from anyone that has been t through something similar
P,S, I have this guy as my Facebook friend - I feel like telling him to go away because I think he would. But if my wife found out our marriage would be over anyway

[Aaronsis]

Hi Rex007

Firstly I am so very happy that you got some good support from your counsellor, that is great. I am also so very proud of you for addressing with your wife what your needs are, what you would like to happen and how you are feeling. Now here is the part where I hope I don't offend..I think that is really poor, really poor that not only has she totally disregarded what you have expressed to her, she has now got him involved in a discussion with you to defend "whatever it is they are doing". I don't think this is fair to you, to have to talk to him, this is between you and your wife and the fact you have expressed to her what you need and she is back talking to him this morning is like a slap in the face.

This is not on you, you are doing everything in your power to communicate to her and to ask her to consider her marriage and her husband, I don't think she is doing this and that is really hurtful and really disappointing. I am so very sorry she is not listening to you Rex007.

I just want to clarify something with you, and it might just be my sensitivity to the subject but when you mentioned about her getting some support you said "However it could take a while to unpack all her problems and I'm not sure I'll still be here. I can only take so much." I just want to confirm what you mean here in that you are not considering taking your life Rex007. I am sorry if that is a confronting notion and not at all what you meant, however I care and I want you to be safe and I want you to be happy. If this is something that you are considering we can provide support for you Rex007, there are some amazing people at LifeLine on 13 11 14 and even her at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. You deserve to be happy Rex007 and you can be.

I think that is a wonderful idea to start to search for some groups to join, to seek some new friendships and take up some activities that you have always wanted to do, to keep busy, to meet people and to make you feel good about you and to do something that makes you feel joy.

You are doing everything right in this process Rex007 and I am sorry that your wife is not responding to your needs and requests, this is really hard.

We are here Rex007.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx

[Rex007]

Thanks Sarah
I can be absolutely clear that I am not going to do anything silly. Fortunately I have two wonderful kids who will be turning 13 and 16 in July. And if anything covid19 gas enabled me to bond with them even more and they are the world to me. I would have moved out long ago if it wasn't for their love.

I did mention to my wife last night that instead of taking to this guy she could play with them more - not what she'd like but what they like doing. To her credit she joined in a game of handball with us all just then. It's something I've been doing with the kids at lunchtime to get them off the computers. So there's still hope for her yet

The other thing that I didn't mention earlier is that no-one would side with her if she told them the situation. Like you said it feels like a slap in the face.

I'm going with my earlier decision- I preparing for the fact that we will have to separate but if things change in the meantime that would be good for all.
Unfortunately with covid19 I have to keep things civil until I can move out.
Thanks again.

[Rex007]

New update.
Couldn't sleep at all last night. Apparently he told my wife about the things he was going to do with his girlfriend when she visited (after covid19). She lives in a different country. Anyway it was totally inappropriate what he told her. I asked my wife why she would share that information if she knew how I would react.

The end result is that she told him to stop talking to her. Now she's in tears and hates me. It will take a long time to to repair the damage.

I don't feel any better at the moment. I hope that passes.
I just have to keep telling myself that at was bad for our relationship and that if we can't fix things from here then it was probably doomed anyway.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Rex007

I am so sorry that you are feeling like you have a role to play in this, you most certainly do not...what he said to her was beyond inappropriate and the fact she shared it with you is her knowing that he has crossed the line..in my opinion. Does he have these conversations with other friends???? I think she knows deep down that this was more than a friendship, the need to be talking so much, now the content of the conversation..it to me is not how a regular friendship travels.

I think it is good that they do take a break, as I am sure that there probably will be resumed contact, however for now, she is upset at losing him, however this is not your fault, you did nothing to contribute to that conversation which was what caused the relationship to cease.

Your wife's loyalty should be to you and if it is not then yes, there is some work to be done here to figure out the path of this relationship. Is she talking about counselling and how to mend the way moving forward? Has she apologized for the stress this friendship has put on her marriage, has she considered your feelings at all? Another thing that pops into my mind is does she have other friends, girlfriends that she can talk to, if she needs to have socialization?

I am really sorry that she is so very sad, I am sorry that she fells anger towards you but this really Rex007 is not your fault and in my opinion you are the one here who should be feeling hurt, not her. Sorry if this is all a bit confronting, I just feel that you are not to be blamed here at all and her anger is directed at the wrong person.

I hope today you can do something for you, I think you should continue on your journey and find things for you that you want to do and enjoy, if she comes back to you well that is great you have some hobbies, if not you have some things to do to keep you happy and busy during a difficult time. I think it will be very interesting to see firstly, how long it takes for them to resume the friendship, and also who contacts who...there is some learning still to come, these are just my thoughts here too.

I am so sorry this is happening to you Rex007, I hope you can do something today that makes you smile.

Huge hugs

Sarah

[Rex007]

Thanks again Sarah
The problem that both my wife and I have is that we have been best friends for 17 years. So much so that neither of us have any close friends. She probably now feels that I've taken her only friend away.Still it was a proper relationship

She also has no family to turn too so I feel a bit guilty- she didn't really have a choice in the end.
I only hope that we can hold out until she sees her psychologist

I think it's towards the end of next week. It will be hard until then

[Guest_1643]

Hi rex - i have had a friend who was very similar to your wife- she developed an infatuation with a man she met online and was talking to him in a way that was disrespectful to her husband. I don't think you should feel bad at all - does she feel bad about making you feel inseure etc?
I do get the feelings that you are giving her too much power in the relationship. She should also be afraid of losing you, and that thought alone should make her feel like she has to at least try minimally to be a helpful partner. You have a great fear of losing her, but it isn't balanced. I think seeking independence outside your marriage. I would defiitely encourage boundaries so she knows that you also have needs and boundaries within the marriage. Maybe write down for yourself your boundaries...

I've found this very helpful myself

[geoff]

Hi Rex, sorry to come in so late, but from what I can tell is that this chap overseas has formed a relationship with anyone who took the bait.

He's no true friend for either of you and don't want your wife to believe whatever he says.

I know that this is going to upset her but many people have been conned into believing what someone overseas promises and have lost a lot of money.

Sorry.

Geoff.

[Rex007]

Again I have to thank everyone for their comments. There's not much said that I haven't already said to her. And you know the scary thing is that she has already offered him money on a couple of occasions and he supposedly turned her down.

I look at it this way - even "if" he was a genuine guy, her spending several hours a day attuned to him does not work when you are trying to save 17 years of marriage.
But I did offer to move out to our caravan this morning (under the guise of covid19 isolaton) so that she could have some space. It appears that scared her a bit - thought of loosing her comfortable position here.

It looks like she ended it but I don't think it will be long before they are talking again. If that happens I am walking. However hard that will be. I can't stand the cold shoulder I'm getting now
I'm glad I am able to put this down because sometimes I doubt myself
Thanks again to everyone- there's an end there somewhere

[Rex007]

Hi
Just an update for those who are following. I've have 3 personal counselling sessions and 2 marriage counselling sessions and from all that I believe that most of the hope of saving the marriage is gone.

My personal counsellor all but said that I should leave if I'm that hurt. The marriage councillor said we should each explore other interests so that we would more interested in each other. So while I'm exploring Singing lessons etc) she still wants to spend the only time we get together in the evenings talking to a guy who at best is infatuated with her. Let me know how that helps our marriage.

The only consellation is that I've managed to get her to stop the video calls to him until she sees a psychologist. That will be this Thursday. Unfortunately I'm not sure if one session will be enough to cover all her problems and she will want to resume the video chats on Friday. I don't know what to say to that. If I tell her "no" she will hate me and say that I'm controlling her. If anything she's the one who has always had control over me.

Anyway I'm giving my counselor the flick and have upgraded to a psychologist to unpack my resentment/ hurt/ pain/ jealousy? I've got my mental health plan and have an appointment in about 12 days time. I'm only hoping that I can hold out that long.
I feel my wife has put me in a bad position and is asking me to make a decision between her happiness (my pain) or my happiness. If if comes to that I will leave. It's sad that 17years of marriage have come to this.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Rex007

It is really great to chat to you some more and I can see that you have got some things in place since we last chatted, which is wonderful. I am glad that you have the appointments locked in with both your personal counselor and with your marriage counselor also, you are certainly doing everything you can to see what the future has in store for your marriage and if there is a chance that things can be repaired.

Fantastic that you are looking to do some singing lessons, I too would love to do that as I love the idea of being able to sing, so good on your for starting to look at activities to make you feel happy and things to meet new friends and people with like interests. I can hear how frustrated you are though that her spare time is still making contact with this other man, I am pleased at least the video calls have stopped, that is some positive progress.

I can see you are wondering after one session what her behaviour will be like, I think too this will be a good indication for you about her wanting to make changes and in fact if she wants to put her marriage first and your feelings. You may be right in that one session is not enough, however I am sure that in one session the messages and questions she will be left with should be enough to continue with the absence of the video call, and that once she hears from you and the counsellor together as to the pain this relationship is causing you if she is not able to stop these video calls, that too is a message in my opinion.

I don't think this is about control, and who is controlling who, it is basic human respect in that a relationship she is involved in is causing another person pain, and that person is her husband to which she took vows with to love and respect, should she not be wanting to keep her husband in the knowledge that she does love and respect him? If she no longer does she needs to address this, not just go on and take another person to replace those lost feelings, just my thoughts here.

Great to chat to you some more and please let me know how your sessions worked out, if you would like to share that is.

Hugs to you Rex007

Sarah