Infatuation in marriage

[Rex007]

Hi
My wife of 17years is infatuated on another guy living overseas. She claims that he is like the brothers she doesn't have but earlier on in there relationship she told me that she had fantacised about him once. She said that it was a mistake and that she doesn't think of him in a physical way. However she talks to him twice a day - Every day. I've told her how upset it makes me feel but she just says that she can't control her feelings. It hurts so much that I don't sleep at night. She sleeps just fine.
The only reason that I'm still here (apart from our two kids that I love) is t that I still love her. I also know that for t h e l as t few years she has struggled with mental health issues to do with her family. I supported her as best I could through it all
The strange thing is that this guy is the total opposite personality type and I know that she would never leave the kids to be with him for so many reasons.
I have been seeing a councillor regarding my feelings and we are also seeing a Separate marriage councillor to work on our marriage. His strategy is for us to explore other interests so that we can have something different to talk about. Only I feel with the hurt I'm feeling I'm likely to run off with the first person that showed half an interest in me. It's not what I want. Unfortunately my wife is my one and only best friend which makes the thought of separating impossible to bear.
I'm really confused and gave no idea what to do. I'd love to hear any suggestions or hear from anyone that has been t through something similar
P,S, I have this guy as my Facebook friend - I feel like telling him to go away because I think he would. But if my wife found out our marriage would be over anyway

[Ennarose]

I did something similar (but so much worse 😢) in my relationship with my husband of 13years, we have 4 children. He forgives me but I haven’t, I have been confused by everything and I’m hurting badly, after seeing a psychologist together we found out as happy as we thought we were, we were not and now we know what was missing in our relationship and both have to work on ourselves before we can even attempt to fix the broken that has happened. You know what is happening with your wife and her feelings, my husband knew but he was so so hurt from just my feelings even tho I fought not to have them, I fought to keep my life the way it was, I tried because I love my husband and I was physically sick, lost 10k. I can’t tell you how much I never ever thought I’d be in the position I put myself in, I completely destroyed my every being, my soul feels crushed. I hope that you can help your wife before she ruins herself for something that isn’t real. My husband didn’t fight for me and he shouldn’t have had to but I did really need him to. Now he is still standing by me to make sure I’m ok even if we don’t work out. That is real love and I’m just realising. I’m still really lost. Maybe your wife is lost and needs help herself. My psychologist couldn’t reach me properly until I had made all my mistakes. This is all really recent for me and I feel like I’ll never recover but for my family I am trying.
As much as I had those awful feelings for someone else, I still completely loved my husband, never made any of the hurt any less but it’s not something I wanted. I don’t know if my story will help you but I never wanted to give up on my husband even tho I was super destructive, your wife’s love is probably still there and she needs your help and the support of the right people to find her way again.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Rex, it is such a hard situation you're in. Just wanted to send support, i'm sorry for what you're going through. Ennarose makes some excellent points and I do understand as well the side of the woman who may be struggling with her own feelings and not knowing how or wanting to get help.

I understand you are being realistic - realistic about the chances for reconciliation, and also realistic about if she is ready or willing to let go of this toxic side-relationship, to save your marriage.

It sounds a bit self-sabatoging what your wife is doing - she is not giving you much option but to leave. It's a very hard position to be in, sounds though like you do have such lovely kids and are dedicated to being there for them. Really to your credit and your kids will be so grateful to have that stability of a caring dad

[Rex007]

Hi everyone
I just want to thank everyone for their thoughts and sharing their stories. Your
support means a big deal to me and has kept me going. It's good to hear things from a different perspective and how others have coped in similar circumstances.

While I know my wife doesn't mean to hurt me it doesn't change the fact that I've been hurting. I know that she is confused, alone and struggling to come to terms with a lot of physical and mental health issues and she was a prime target for anyone wanting to take advantage of her vulnerability.

I have supported her in difficult times over the last few years and it has clearly taken it's toll. Unfortunately right now she does not want to accept my help - instead telling me that she needs time to understand her feelings for me. That's the hard part. It feels like she is pushing me away and gravitating towards this fantasy. And it's take a lot of effort to dig in when that is happening.

Every day now I have no idea what to expect. I only hope that in the not to distant future I will be able to post happier news and maybe leave some positive advice as to what I did right and what I did wrong.
Thanks again .

[Aaronsis]

Hello Rex007

This is a really hard time for you and I am so sorry that not only is your wife not accepting your efforts to help her through this time but she too is struggling to understand what she is feeling. It must be a really hard time for you, like you are in limbo, waiting, on freeze if you like, just waiting to see what her next moves are going to be and if they include you.

I hope you are trying to engage in things that keep you active, taking some time to perhaps go for a walk, get away from the house, get some fresh air and some time to think. Mentally this is exhausting for you, I can hear how worried and how desperate you are to "find" your wife. I am sorry that she has found herself conversing with another and this too is really hurtful for you.

I think time and space and hopefully the counselling will all come together to form a picture for her so she has some clarity and some understanding of why she is doing what she is doing, to understand what she is lacking in her life, it is a friend, is it validation that she is appealing? We can go on for ages as to the reasons but she is the only one who knows these answers, and to be fair, I am not sure she knows herself.

I know it is hard for you but patience and trying to keep your spirits high, keep chatting here and to get some support and to know that you are being heard, that we hear you and are so very sorry for the pain you are in.

I know you are desperate for answers as to what you did right and what you did wrong, the thing is this might really have nothing to do with you personally and these are things in her she is struggling with.

I hope she gets some support in bringing these issues out from the sessions.

Chat soon and big hugs to you

Sarah

[Rex007]

Hi everyone
It's still in the morning and I can't sleep. I just have to get this off my chest. I want someone to tell me that I'm being stupid and that this is okay.
My wife has actually been a little better lately- showing more interest in me which is good. So why do I feel so betrayed?

Well I planned an elaborate dinner for her to show how much i loved her. It was very nice and we both got dressed up. She started going on about her friends religion during dinner but it was brief and I let it pass to enjoy a moment together. Then we watched a light romantic comedy.

What's my problem then? Well the movie finished at 10:30 and then she goes "my friend has texted do you mind if I text back"? Really? Anyway I go upstairs and come back down because I thought I'd left the dog outside only to find her having a video chat with him. I just went back to bed. It turns out that it was only about 5mins. But that's no the point. I was trying to reconnect with her and the last image I had was of him.

Can someone tell me if I'm being possessive? After all I never said that she had to devote her whole evening to me but I just can't understand why talking to him couldn't wait until morning. It really ruined it for me. I wasn't expecting sex but I was hoping that we would connect.

I don't know why I try so hard, it feels like it would be so easy to give up on the marriage. I have 8 days until my psychologist appointment- have I got some material to discuss with her. Although it would be nice to have a friend to confide in more often but there's only this site. I'm so glad that it's here.
Thanks for listening to me go on. I am trying to be positive.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Rex007

I am so happy to see that even though you are going through such a heartbreaking time, you are trying to remain hopeful and also positive, that is alot to find when, to me, it seems you have been really treated so poorly.

What a beautiful thing you did for your wife, to show her that even though you are both in different camps at the moment you want to come together to try to reconnect, that you made an effort, that you arranged dinner and went to so very much effort to get dressed and plan an evening together, to have it end with HIM. I don't think you are being possessive at all, she is your wife and you want to have her full commitment and her full attention on a night like you had planned, there is nothing wrong with wanting that at all, and I totally agree, why could he have not waited until the next day???

I feel heartbroken for you and I am so beyond sorry this is happening to you. To answer you question, that even though things are getting better and you have felt like you are on the path forward, he is not out of the picture and you still, as a couple have some mending and repairing to do. Feelings of betrayal are not something in my opinion that you just "get over" over night, this is going to take time, she has to earn your trust and your love back, at the moment while you are making steps forward there still is some way to go.

I hope you can get some good support from your appointment in a few days.

Once again Rex007, I am so beyond sorry that your efforts were not recognized and appreciated by your wife, I am so sorry.

I am proud though that you are trying to remain positive, that is so wonderful to hear.

Hugs to you Rex007

Sarah

[Ennarose]

I wasn’t going to post again, still struggling. I’ve booked myself my own mental health appointment tho and I see someone Wednesday.

I don’t understand what happened to me but it was not healthy for me (especially not for my husband) and the messaging was extremely extremely hard to stop, I wanted him to be my friend it was overwhelming how much I craved it, looking back I was lacking fun in my life and the weird attraction I had for him was partly because of that? nothing more. I was used and taken advantage of (my husband gave up on me at a certain point and pushed me right at him) and it’s not until I felt completely violated because of my lack of self worth did I realise how much respect I wasn’t giving myself and my husband.

I can’t be friends with the other person, not ever again, I still horribly like him as a person but respectfully I can’t allow him to be a part of my life. Your wife needs to know the friendship she has with this person needs to end, it may take time but she has to choose that and if you want her still you need to fight for her to end the friendship, he lives in another country it will probably be hard but so much easier then if she had to see him at school pick up 😥
Getting her to realise will be hard, I was addicted to the emotion I was getting and I think your wife might be feeling the same.
My husband said, you need to fight for her or leave.

You deserve respect and she needs to at least realise you’re not feeling respected. I don’t think that relationship problems are solvable over night, there will be hurt on both sides and it will take time, especially if there are underlying issues that are causing the problems.

I hope you’ll both be ok.

[Rex007]

Hi
I had another argument with my wife this morning- she has no idea what this infatuation is doing. Anyway I took the dog for a long walk then remembered something from yesterday that makes me really sad.

I've constantly been saying how I've been hurt by this relationship but I haven't thought about the kids but something happened yesterday that might indicate how they are feeling.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been telling her that she needs to reconnect with the kids because they'll grow up quick and you'll miss it all. She hasn't really tried.

Anyway, yesterday I was working on a mother's day project with the kids which is a kind of scrapbook with baby photo's and other things. I got them to write little letters to stick in it. Our highly intelligent 16year old son ( who has Autism) wrote a brief sentence that said "thank you for helping me with my school work". That's what he thought of her. I don't know wether to put it in or leave it out now. I did get him to add another sentence because it would have seemed a bit awkward.

I just spoke to my wife again while writing this saying that she should connect with the kids more. She just said that she deserved to have friends and an hour a day to herself. Besides I help them with their homework she said.

It's so tragic that she thinks that helping them with schoolwork was all she should do with them.

She is so clueless and self absorbed. So much so that she just doesn't hear what I'm saying.

She certainly doesn't want to know how I'm feeling.

I'm making an effort to spend more time with our kids - especially while we are in lock-down. It's actually fun. But in the end it is another thing that will come back to bite me because 'surprise' they'll turn to me more.

I'm just thankful that I have the kids because they always make my day and I need the distraction.

Other than that I'm as confused and conflicted as ever.

Thanks Sarah and anyone else following my story.

[Sax321]

Hi Rex007,

Im new to this Forum but have been reading through your messages and it really struck a chord.

I sadly have done very similar things over our 10 year marriage (to the point where as we speak it is finally coming to a end)

I messed up bad and spoke with people inappropriate online and we went through relationship counselling (and individual counselling for my own issues) and in truth it took 1-2 years before he truly trusted me again. But it was so worth it. We were such an amazing couple. Best friends, unstoppable together we were. Very happy.

But then i became unwell again and fell through similar holes. Second time round...things dont heal so well. We have tried for the last 6 months but i feel we cant do no more.

I guess what im trying to say is your situation you are not alone. Please take care of yourself because regardless of what happens you need to be the best you that you can be for your kids but most importantly yourself. I hope your wife is ok too and that she will soon realise what she is so close to loosing. Because people can only be pushed so far.

Take care,

[Guest_3256]

Hi Rex007.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you to experience. Talking to a councilor about your situation is a great start in heading in the right direction for you to be in. What you should understand about your Wife's behaviour is that it's in no way a reflection on you as a person - it's something that she needs to take responsibility for. No only that, your Wife may have taken you for granted and needs to realise how important you are in her life. People explore other options for many reasons and unfortunately it's because they are trying to fill a void within themselves - usually it's because they cannot effectively communicate with their partner. I hope that you are looking after your mental and physical wellness and being self-compassionate about yourself. You are better than you think you are and your Wife's behaviour is in no way a reflection on you - she needs to own that. Unfortunately, her treatment of you is emotional abuse so it's very natural for you to experience overwhelming feelings and thoughts - it's the body trying to deal/ comprehend the situation. Other than that, you sound like a very loving partner and husband, someone who is willing to resolve her issues - that shows that you care about her - that is true love. Don't give up, we are human, we are not perfect and with persistent support, you both will overcome your obstacles.

On another note, you mentioned something about interests, have you thought about trying something different, like spicing up the relationship; gifts, things of appreciation, flowers, going out to dinner, movies, country drives/ picnics? Sometimes we get stuck in a routine and we may need to break free from the viscous cycle of doom.

Good luck buddy. 🙂