Infatuation in marriage

[Rex007]

Hi
My wife of 17years is infatuated on another guy living overseas. She claims that he is like the brothers she doesn't have but earlier on in there relationship she told me that she had fantacised about him once. She said that it was a mistake and that she doesn't think of him in a physical way. However she talks to him twice a day - Every day. I've told her how upset it makes me feel but she just says that she can't control her feelings. It hurts so much that I don't sleep at night. She sleeps just fine.
The only reason that I'm still here (apart from our two kids that I love) is t that I still love her. I also know that for t h e l as t few years she has struggled with mental health issues to do with her family. I supported her as best I could through it all
The strange thing is that this guy is the total opposite personality type and I know that she would never leave the kids to be with him for so many reasons.
I have been seeing a councillor regarding my feelings and we are also seeing a Separate marriage councillor to work on our marriage. His strategy is for us to explore other interests so that we can have something different to talk about. Only I feel with the hurt I'm feeling I'm likely to run off with the first person that showed half an interest in me. It's not what I want. Unfortunately my wife is my one and only best friend which makes the thought of separating impossible to bear.
I'm really confused and gave no idea what to do. I'd love to hear any suggestions or hear from anyone that has been t through something similar
P,S, I have this guy as my Facebook friend - I feel like telling him to go away because I think he would. But if my wife found out our marriage would be over anyway

[Rex007]

Hi
I just my Psychologist for the first time today. I can't say that it's good news. She basically said that things won't change while my wife still has feelings for this other man - even if that is just a "friend". She actually wanted to see us as a couple to get a complete picture.

When I got home I went for a long walk with my wife to discuss what was said. At that point she was not interested in coming because she has her own psychologist and still believes that there's nothing wrong with her relationship with this other guy. She said that if it was causing me pain then she was better off being alone. She wants to be alone.

It's really hard to keep trying when someone says that it's like she'd rather break up our family then end it with this guy.

They're relationship might have eased off over the last week but the fact is she still crossed the line and I'm happy to forget it but not when I'm constantly being reminded everyone he texts.
She says she's trying to find her identity and that's fine. I'm happy to help. But she has to remember that she still has some responsibilities to our marriage and our family.

She seems so distant and nothing I do can change that. It's hard to not be discouraged. Everything just one step away from walking out. It's sad sad sad and I can't do anyrhing anymore.

[Betternow]

I'm very sorry for you in this sad situation. I note that a lot of forum friends have responded and given you some good advice and encouragement.

At the end of the day, it seems to revolve around how much value your wife places on your marriage. If she has expressed the desire to be alone and she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour, I can't see what you have to work with, Rex.

I agree with your therapist that nothing is likely to change while she is still in thrall to her online fellow. Your therapist seems like she is on the ball so perhaps give her a bit of time to work through your issue. i wish could suggest something more positive but all I can do is admire your strength and persistence while you work the situation.

[Rex007]

Hi everyone
I'd just like to ask a moral question that has been on my mind for some time. I'm very tempted to go ahead at this point.

As we know things are not ever going to change while my wife is still talking to this mn an. And even though it's supposed to be in a limited manner I'm pretty sure she's been talking to him and making me believe that it's someone else. Unfortunately I'm working from home and I do notice things. Not only that but I can see when he's online because she got me to friend him on messenger. I told her that so does she think I'm stupid?

So he's online and she's not messing her? I don't think so . Which means she's lying to me. Great

Anyway the thought that I'm toying with is if I should go and tell him not to talk to her again. I could tell him that it's breaking up a family.
I just feel that by doing so will mean that I've crossed the line if this guy (20 years her junior) is making her feel good about about herself am I right to interfere in that way?

I just know that she needs to want it and clearly she doesn't. I think a real man - like you see in the movies - would tell him where to go
Life's never that simple as there is always the fallout- he'll tell her for sure. But I don't see any other hope.
Would appreciate people's thoughts on this delimmena.
Thanks

[Aaronsis]

Hi Rex007

It is great to chat to you some more and I am just so sorry that there really does not seem to be progress for you with regards to your wife's connection with this man. I can hear how heartbroken you are and I am just so very sorry this is happening to your marriage.

The following is just my opinion and you may not agree but I think that the other man in this equation is not the root cause of this issue. That if you say something to this man and he does go away, what's to stop her from finding another connection or what ever it is that she is searching for out side of her marriage. The only way to ensure that her "search" outside the marriage ends is for her to do so on her terms. This way you will truly know that she is committed to exploring what the issues are in her marriage and to addressing them.

I am concerned that now that you have asked her to limit her contact she has chosen to lie, which takes the relationship "underground" in attempt to conceal it from you. I understand very much that you want this to stop, but I don't think she does. This is really hard to hear but even if you contact this person there is no guarantee he will stop. It will I suppose show your wife's true feelings if she in fact becomes very angry at you for doing so and is upset you have interfered in her "friendship". I guess you will know for sure then where her feelings lay and how committed she is to her marriage.

I am not sure what time frame you are putting on this for you to give her time to see what she is doing, to stand by her while she comes to terms with why she is doing this and what she needs from the other person that she is not getting from you. However there is only so long can I suggest, that you can stand by and see this before you and that it is not stopping. What are your limits and what are you going to accept before you consider you and what is fair and reasonable to your feelings? I hope that does not come across as blunt, it is not my intention but if she is not putting your feelings into account then you must. You have not done anything wrong here and you do not deserve this disrespect.

I am just so pleased you have some support here and have reached out for some comfort in what I can only imagine is just a horrific time for you.

Here for you REx007.

Sarah

[Guest_3256]

Good morning Rex007.

My friend - your need to be really direct to your Wife and make it clear to her that this behaviour needs to stop immediately. It sounds like your wife is emotionally abusing you - hurting you by putting you into this predicament - why you have come here for assistance.

I believe it's time for you to be very direct with your Wife and no longer take responsibility for her behaviour - she needs to see what she is doing is unfair and hurting. No more - it has to stop. You are a great person who needs to be treated fairly and you deserve better acknowledgment from your wife.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Rex -how did you go with the marriage counsellors suggestions to have seperate social lives - and to develop some boundaries that way? That does sound interesting...

[Rex007]

Hi
Another update.
I've been asked how it went with the marriage councillor. Well I investigated other interests and found a couple of things I want to do after restrictions ease while she did nothing. If anything she has taken this other relationship underground.

Basically she pretends to be doing her art while having the door closed. I know he was online at the time.

Anyway we both are seeing psychologist now - hers is concerned only with her and her problems while mine wanted to see both of us after I have her my side of the story. Which she refused. I'm already seeing my own, she says.
I'm sure hers is not going to upset her by telling her it's wrong anytime soon.

So it's a stalemate. She says that she chooses me and h as spent more time with me. But she refuses to stop talking to this man. Whatever mistakes I made - he is just my friend and I care about him.

Every time I hear his name it's a painfull reminder of what went wrong and how I let it go on for far too long.
I have another appointment this weekend. As usual I have lots to talk about.
Thanks everyone for listening.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Rex007.

Have you asked her to stop interacting with this person? May be try telling her in a direct and calming voice; that you do not feel comfortable with her communicating with this person as it makes you feel upset and that if she cares about you, she needs to respect your boundaries and acknowledge your needs.

[Four4s]

Howdy Rex,

You mentioned your wife does art, is this a side job or her main income? as someone earlier in the thread mentioned, the balance in this relationship does seem quite off. It feels as though you're putting in all of the effort trying to make the relationship work with your wife, spending quality time with the kids as well as working from home. Just trying to guage so i can understand the situation better.

I think you were very much heading along the right track with singing lessons (Test them out during Saturday night karaoke at the pub) but i'd maybe suggest something a little more team oriented so you can mingle with people a little better (difficult to do given current circumstances). However joining online hobby group is a decent work around for the time being. Basically find something to lose yourself in so you arent so dependant on your wifes attention. Save the love you've been giving her for the kids because she obviously dosent seem to appreciate it. In essence, I think she's started to take you for granted, you might want to start weening away some of the things you bring to the table so she can understand what she's missing out on because you sound like a great dude who's really trying to give it his all.

Todger on bud

[Rex007]

I hearby declare that 2020 will be the worst year on my life. Not only did I have my wife's infatuation to deal with but then my dad got sick from cancer treatment and passed away after two weeks in hospital. Then two weeks after his funeral mum had a massive stroke. She looked like she might recover but after a couple of weeks in hospital she passed away too. That was last month.

There were a lot of things that made it particularly terrible. Firstly when dad passed away we had to go through all their things to work out what to keep, what to sell and what to give away because mum needed 24hr care and had to go into a ho mne. So she didn't have the capacity to do it. Then we had to do it again to a lesser extent when mum died. All the while I seem to battle with my wife who seemed only interested in herself.

She eventually gave up her infatuation when I told her I was going to leave but she still wanted to ve friends with him. I said "no" I don't want that. I didn't trust him and I didn't think it was right. He eventually left anyway and she gave me an earful about how I should have gotten over it and accept them as friends. I was just happy he was going but I'm not certain it's the last I'll see of him.

Anyway she has just replaced him with a bunch of other people. And while each individual friendship isn't much put together it's a lot of time spent texting and emailing while I get whats left over. So life isn't a whole lot better. But there some positives. Maybe I'll mention them in my next post