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Im scared of going back to despair again.

Community Member

Hi my best wishes to everyone.

Ive had a very traumatic weekend . My partner of 18 months has ended our relationship. I know that we have problems. I have been heavily involved in my football club it has been like my family as i dont have any that i see. My girlfriend struggles with my need to see my friends and we just dont seem to have that common ground. Im scared of being alone again but i need my friends and interest outside of our relationship. Ive tried to be a good partner and help wherever i can and include my partner with my outside interests. I think that the two years of covid and the isolation has caused me to be needy. I dont know what to do or where to turn. Things are spiralling for me. I am hating my job as its very negative and there are a lot of unhappy people there. I have been there for about 13 years. I have been in a very bad space after previous relationship breakups and im so scared of going there again. I have leant heavily on friends and im scared if i do it again it might scare them away. Thank you for reading my post. I would be open to any ones thoughts and suggestions. Brett.

15 Replies 15

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Brett

Don't know how I managed to miss your posts. Wish I'd seen them earlier. I truly feel for you, having to face this deeply challenging time in your life.

It's taken me years to work myself out to this point and I know I've still I've got a lot to learn. I've learned what a lot of my triggers are, both good and bad. I've worked out one of my biggest involves constructively managing my imagination and I've worked out that I'm a gal who's a major 'feeler', someone who tends to feel/sense so much. I've also worked out that a serious lack of energy, for me, can pose both physical and mental health problems. There's much more but I've chosen to pick the 3 biggies.

Imagination can range from imagining the smallest of things, like what time we might break for lunch, through to imagining an entirely new course in life. With the latter, I've found I can't function without a plan. I can have a day where I confidently imagine all the ways in which I need to reform myself but I typically end up going off track, based on a number of reasons. The plan becomes a reference or 'a map' (with detail) to help me navigate, otherwise I end up getting lost. When lost, the darker thoughts can begin to take over my course, such as 'I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going', 'I'm hopeless' etc. I can then imagine what I think to be true. In my imagination, I will see myself being stuck forever in what brings me down. Not good. A map/plan is a reminder, helping to keep the imagination on track.

The ability to feel so much comes with challenges. While it's great to be able to feel positively excited, on the flip side we can also feel all the things that can bring us down. To figure out what we're feeling and why we're feeling it is a part of 'feeling out way through life'. I've found the ability to feel must be accompanied by the ability to analyse constructively, otherwise we're doing nothing but feeling which can become depressing at times. A balance of the 2 might sound like 'I feel the need to end my relationship. Why? It feels depressing and I've spoken to my partner about this. They don't care'. A partner who doesn't care about our ability to feel what's depressing is not the best.

We're designed to live energetically. When our battery's low and we're happy to relax and recharge, that's good. When it's low through pure exhaustion and we're not recharging in constructive ways where we can really feel it, life can just feel 'numb' and that can get depressing.

Dear Beaser,

We understand that you are struggling after the end of your 18 month relationship. It sounds like you are now feeling very lonely, and even though you are thinking about changing jobs, you are really wanting the stability of remaining where you are. This is quite understandable as the current job at least continues to be a constant in a currently unstable world.

It sounds to us like you are grieving the loss of your relationship. This is the perfect time to call the counsellors at Beyond Blue, 1300 22 4636 (as you have been), or the counsellors at Lifeline 13 1114, especially whilst waiting for your GP appointment.

As you start working through the grief of the relationship's end, you might consider looking at what you want from a partner and a relationship. And, we encourage you to remember both the things you liked, and the things you didn't like, from this relationship. having better understanding may help when you might be ready to start looking for a new relationship.

Remember that we are here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Community Member

Thank you The Rising ..

I appreciate your honesty and thoughtful reply . Im certainly feeling the numbness you speak of ... I will be honest with a few things about my relationship one being that at times i wasnt happy and i didnt feel like she was very comforting at times to me when i was stressed with things like sudden covid lockdowns . There were also a couple of times when she recieved messages from past guys one being from Tinder that she had been intimate with . This happened in front of me and she new it upset me . I know the messages were incoming to her but it still upset me. Am i being too precious or jealous. Imentioned this to her yesterday and she got a bit angry now i feel bad about that .After the messages i got what i believe to be retrospective jealosy and it just consumed me to the point she noticed i was pre occupied with something, maybe i need help on that one . She has a busy life with her elderly father to care for and a small farm to run, i understand this is a lot and i tried my best to help. She also would not ever let me tell her i loved her because she said she didnt want to get hurt ,i found this strange . I think maybe the best thing is to leave her be and if she wants she knows i would love to hear from her .I just dont know . Did i do the wrong thing in mentioning the Tinder thing i just dont know . Brett

Community Member

Thank you Sophie.

I appreciate your reply.. I have been using the Beyond Blue line a few times. I just dont want to out do my welcome. You are right there were things that i both liked and disliked in our relationship.

Thanks again Brett .

Community Member
Trying to do some positives for my self went out and worked/ volunteered at my footy club last night so that got me around some friends. Also im going to try and cut back on caffeine. Ive heard of people doing that and having it help . Wishing everyone a happy day . Brett

Community Member

Hi Brett,

Sounds like a really tough time for you, it's totally understandable to be having all these mixed up emotions and feel lost etc. A relationship breakdown can make it feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you, not pleasant. I went through a divorce some years back and can really relate to what's going on for you, first thing - it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it, but these things do pass. Do you play an instrument ? I took up guitar when it all turned upside down for me - I found that as I tried to learn songs and chords etc I had to concentrate on it so much I just forgot about my troubles for hours at a time. Course, I just learnt a pile of sad songs to start but that helps get the emotion out. It doesn't have to be a guitar but I would encourage you to learn something new and challenging, it'll help stop the head miles - it's so easy to get lost in the round and round thoughts you need to break the cycle. Exercise - last thing you feel like probably but get a sweat up and watch your happy hormones rise. None of this actually changes the circumstance but it will help, it's really important to learn to be happy with yourself and not need someone else to make you happy. You're ok, it's tough but keep telling yourself you're ok, even if you don't feel it. You're value doesn't come from someone else, it's all you. All the best with it mate.