The warmest of welcomes to you at one of the toughest times of your life, especially being a time where you feel the need to make such a life changing decision.
It sounds like you've reached the point where you know and feel something has to change. A lot can depend on how urgently change needs to happen. If there is physical danger, change needs to happen straight away. Whether that involves staying with family, friends or calling support services that can find you accommodation, taking you out of immediate danger is the top priority.
If there is no immediate danger, change can happen gradually in the lead up to you leaving. While this may not be a recommended choice by everyone, I've found from personal experience (living with someone who drinks), that there are things to be gained through gradual change depending on how it's achieved. Some of the gains
- Eventually leaving with a greater sense of independence following a time of skill development
- Eventually leaving with a newly developed sense self understanding and therefor a stronger and more confident sense of self
- Eventually leaving after having established support networks (friends, interest groups/circles outside the relationship and so on)
'How to manage staying, during a significant period of self development?' becomes the question. While I'm still with my husband after 24 years of marriage, as we generally get along well based on how I've come to manage the relationship, my way of life has changed significantly over the past few years. As I've been ticking things off that list (just a few of many forms of self development), my mental health has improved far more than I ever could have imagined compared to back in the days when I was questioning why I was so depressed. It can definitely 100% be stressful, depressing and hard work living with a drinker, that's for sure.
I'd say the #1 top priority when it comes to managing living with a drinker has to be you. Managing your physical, mental, emotional and soulful wellbeing is top priority. Shifting focus to you is what can begin to make a difference. If you are more comfortable and less stressed sleeping in a different room, do it. If you are happier walking away from an alcohol fueled argument, do it. If you are more at peace or more excited going out to join friends, instead of sitting at home in front of the tv with your partner while watching them drink, do it. Serve yourself, go out with friends. Experience peace and/or excitement. 'This is how I'm now choosing to manage your drinking' becomes a new matter of fact statement. Btw, I can relate to how stressful and depressing it can feel when there's the belief that there's no choice but to manage someone coming to bed drunk, no choice but to keep the peace, no choice but to sit and watch tv together.
While my husband has never been a violent drunk and I've never experienced any fear of physical violence at all (it's just not in his nature whether he's sober or not), something to keep in mind involves what new changes may trigger greater degrees of abuse/physical violence in a relationship. For example, if walking away from an alcohol fueled argument in your relationship will trigger such abuse/violence, it's definitely time to leave now. If there is no room for the constructive changes that you desperately need to feel, there's no choice but to leave in order to find/create them. My heart goes out to you so much, no matter the choice you make.❤️
