Parents divorce

[artisticAnt]

I am in my teens, and almost two years ago my parents separated, and they officially divorced a year ago this month. I had always had the feeling that their relationship wasn't going to last because of their constant fighting, which always resulted in either one of them storming out and leaving for the night. I had sort of come to terms with the fact that i would never be able to live with both my parents back together, and honestly i wouldn't want them back together. But now after the divorce has been settled, i am basically living full time with my mum and sometimes visit my dad on the weekends. I see him everyday though, and its not that i dont want to stay with him but it just feels easier staying with mum. My mum used to travel alot for work, going sometimes outside of the country and i would just be a blob of tears and snot until she returned, so i've felt like ive always been closer with my mum. It even got the point where i had to see my schools counsiler because i started breaking down in the middle of class (it was honestly very embarrasing). Its not that i dont love my dad, because i do, but recently i feel myself pushing away from him. For some reason i feel like im being pressured to stay at his house, and its always the same of me feeling nervous and almost depressed at the thought of staying at his place but then when i get there its fine. It's more so the fact of when i get back i just feel mentally exhuasted, like i had to put up and act with him. I've noticed he has changed over the time of the seperation, with him already dealing with alot of mental issues from his previous work, which caused him to basically change up his whole life. But even now i still find myself almost scared of ending up like him. When him and my mum used to argue when they were together it was mainly him to was the loudest, and would get so angry. There was one time i was crying, and my mum was hugging me after i had yelled at my sister and she said something along the lines of "It's okay, you just get it from your father." Which made me freeze up and start crying even more. I dont even know why but i just felt so overwhelmed to become like him, especially when he was angry. He never was violent, and only ever shouted but over the few months he has seemed to change. He is alot more calm, and has worked alot on his mental health. But still there is times where he is angry, and i can almost see the same man from when they were arguing and i just feel everything drain out of me. I'm not too sure what to do anymore. I've tried to talk to my mum about seeing a pscychiatrist or someone, because I'm sick of feeling like i constantly have to be okay, and she said she was on it. I've asked her mulitple times but it feels like im talking to a brick wall at this point. I understand she is busy with work, but i'm done caring at this point. I feel like im slowly retracting from my family (not my sister), and just listening to music to allow my mind to focus on anything else. I'm tired. I just want someone to be able to know what is going on my head, because i sure as hell don't. I want to have a good relationship with my dad, but it just feels so out of reach and difficult with my still feelings from their divorce, my own mental health issues. There is days where i just feel like im on the verge of breaking down, and then there is days where i feel like i can take on anything- which always resolutely ends with me feeling like im breaking down. I havent found a balance, but i find when im alone and reading or something I can just focus on myself and allow myself to think about the absaloute swirlstorm of thoughts in my head.  There is just so much that i don't even know where to begin, and i just want to be okay again. (Sorry if this is very random, but i just feel like its easier to talk to someone about my issues if they dont really know my family or me.) Anyways, thanks if you made it this far. 🍑

[Sophie_M]

Hello and welcome to the forums, Thank you for sharing what's been happening for you. Sounds like you have been carrying a lot since your parents separated, and what stood out in your post is how hard you have been trying to understand your feelings about both your parents while also managing your own wellbeing.

Describing feeling nervous before staying with your dad, exhausted afterwards, and frustrated that you have been asking for support but don't feel much progress has been made. That's a lot for one person to juggle, especially while you're still working through the impact of the divorce.

It's positive that you have already recognised you'd like some extra support. Since you have found it difficult to get that organised through your mum, is there another trusted adult you could speak with as well, such as your school counsellor, wellbeing teacher, GP, or another family member.

You may also find it helpful to contact Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800), which offers support for young people and has phone and online counselling options available. We are really glad you have reached out here.

Please feel free to keep posting and let us know how things are going.

The Beyond Blue community is here to listen and support you. Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi artisticAnt

I think you have to give yourself a lot of credit for 1)trying to manage so much without being taught how to manage in certain ways and 2)being able to get a sense of what some of your challenges are about. As you look at wanting to learn to manage in greater ways and wanting to be even more conscious, my heart goes out to you. 

It took me a number of decades to change my way of thinking, when it comes to going from 'What's wrong with me?' to 'What skills and abilities do I need to develop that I haven't developed yet?'. Btw, as a mum to a 21yo guy and 23yo gal, my kids have helped me develop a lot of my current skills and abilities. We never stop learning while the challenges we face hold lessons and opportunities for development.

Keep in mind that there are certain skills and abilities we haven't developed, partly because our parents didn't have them to pass on down to us. It's not about laying blame, just about gaining an understanding of why we can struggle at times. What a lot of parents and kids don't realise is that kids can be brilliant teachers and it's never too late to learn some of the following

• How to be reasonable or reason able. While kids can ask 'Why?' when it comes to a stack of things in life, they're asking for a reason. Instead of being given good reasons, they can meet with 'Don't question me, just do as you're told' or 'I don't have to give you a reason. I'm the parent'. A kid can also offer good reason for why they can't or don't want to do something, only to have a parent say 'I don't care'. With my daughter having always had a pushy challenging nature, she pushed/challenged me to become more reason able. You could try asking your mum to give you good reason for why she's not setting you up with a guide when what you need is guidance. Insist she be honest, with you and herself. She may have good reason or maybe not
• How to develop emotional intelligence. 'What is this energy in motion (e-motion) that I'm feeling inside of me or around me and what's it trying to tell me?' is just one of many questions when it comes to developing emotional intelligence. Whether it's our stress, our frustration, our intolerance etc we're feeling or someone else's, it can pay to gain a greater sense of it before it escalates into an angering level of stress, frustration or intolerance. It takes a lot of skill when it comes to managing being 'a sensitive', someone who can easily sense emotion. With skills, we become masters of emotion and the ability to feel. Btw, kids aren't just great teachers, they can also be great leaders while leading their parents to develop. Leading your dad to develop emotional intelligence could sound something like 'Dad, can you feel how and why this is developing into an angering level of frustration and can you understand how I can feel your anger and what it does to my nervous system?'. 

Something well worth considering is your generation is the first to experience such a wide spread ability to sense easily and sometimes deeply. Unfortunately, this is labeled as 'the super sensitive generation' for all the wrong reasons. Reframing that, it's the generation with super senses. The greatest problem can come down to the generations that preceded yours. These were generations that we're taught or led to ignore what they sensed, suppress it, push it away, drown it out with drugs or alcohol etc etc. If you look back over your post, you'll be able to see everything you have the ability to sense when you replace the word 'feel'. For example 'I had always had a sense...', 'I sense it's easier staying with my mum', 'I've always sensed being closer to my mum', 'I sense myself pushing away', 'I can sense pressure' and so on. Sometimes the greatest challenge in life can involve 'How to come to our senses constructively, so that they develop into not just natural abilities but super natural ones we can rely on'. I imagine you're a somewhat intuitive person.🙂