I wish I got along with my mum

[Malto2001]

My parents both work from home. My dad gets the computer room to himself to work. My mum sits at the dining room table, and for the past 3 years, it has been HORRIBLE. Because she’s working in such a common area of the house, I can’t do anything without her telling me to shut up because she’s working. I can’t make myself breakfast lunch or dinner in the kitchen because it’s too loud, can’t watch tv, I can’t even sit in the lounge room on my phone, because she will literally scream at me to “shut the f up”. 

Whenever I bring up how I feel about the way she talks to me, she tells me it’s her house and she can do whatever she wants and if I don’t like It I should just move out. 

We have been fighting a lot, over stupid things but also over the way she talks to me. She screams at me, swears at me for absolutely no reason other than I opened the fridge door and it made noise. Everyone I talk to about this tells me to just ignore her and save up enough money to move out but I’m a full time student and I have no money and won’t for a while. I can’t ignore her, she makes me so mad, she fuels this absolute rage inside of me that I didn’t know I had. I’m so angry every time she talks to me to the point I want to smash something.

I often get sad thinking about our relationship. 

I wish I got along with her, I wish I could come home and tell her about my day without being told to go away and shut up because I’m an inconvenience and don’t belong in that house. I wish I could hug her and I wish she told me she loved me and I wish I could tell her that I love her, but I think I’d cringe so hard if I ever told her I loved her, it just feels weird. 

I wish we didn’t fight, I bite my tongue so much but it’s gotten to the point I’ll yell back at her. I don’t remember the last time we had a nice conversation. I try to ignore her. I feel like if I left her life she wouldn’t even notice or care. There’s so much more that goes on but I can’t type it all out. I just wish I could tell her all this. 

[Juliet_84]

Hi Malto2001,

I’m so sorry you are being treated and spoken to in this manner, it is very disrespectful. It can be so very hard when the people in our lives don’t live up to what we would like or the type of relationship we crave. Your mother sounds hypercritical and impossible to get along with and very self-centred. Unfortunately that is who she is as a person, in my experience these people are very unwilling to change because they benefit from everything going their way and lack a kindness that can’t be manufactured. How does this help you, well it doesn’t really other than to accept that your mother is the way she is and that she’s likely not going to change. This can be a hard thing to accept but ultimately beneficial because you have to just learn to accept it and work around it. Tell her very little about your life, keep your guard up around her, expect you’re probably going to get spoken to terribly at some point. You are more than welcome to set boundaries of what you will and won’t accept but it will probably be met with “if you don’t like it, leave”. I was once in your situation, and knew that I needed the house while I was studying so I realized I just needed to get through it, it was hard but I was able to move out when I got my first job. You could write her a letter and explain how the way she treats you makes you feel and the type of relationship you would like with her. But you are dealing with an emotionally stunted person so you have to be prepared that the reaction may not be the one you want, but sometimes it’s just nice to say how we are feeling. You may have a better relationship with your mum once you move out, I found that was the case with me, she was still the same but it didn’t really bother me anymore because I don’t live with her. 

[tranzcrybe]

Okay, I see your problem: you are living in the office!

Imagine, if you will, spending all day at someone's workplace... the pressures of the daily grind and meeting deadlines, I can appreciate how you might be perceived as 'contrary to purpose' - very unfair to you, but if you can try to view the situation from her perspective...

It sounds like mum is struggling with this arrangement also, so perhaps you could offer to prepare lunch, make her a coffee, or tidy up to give her more space. One or two privacy screens (tri-folds are great) or a strategically positioned large pot plant can help define the zones.
Are you aware of the type of work she is doing? Maybe some general assistance (running errands, sorting papers, etc) could demonstrate your concern for her suffering (and alleviating that would surely be to your advantage).

The way I see it, you can choose to remain 'the problem' (which you aren't, but, well... you know), or address this through becoming proactive in the interests of building a better relationship.
You clearly want (and deserve) to open a line of communication; in this instance, action could truly speak louder than words.

[Malto2001]

I do try to clean the house, I’m probably the only one in the household who does clean at the moment, I’m always cleaning up after mum, washing dishes, doing laundry, general cleaning ect but she hates when I touch her things, if I fold her laundry and place it into her bed neatly so she can put things away she always just throws them onto the couch in the lounge room and yells at me not to touch things or do things for her. If I try to vacuum or mop, sweep anything I’m just yelled at to be quiet. I do the grocery shopping, dad helps pay for groceries because they’re for the whole family (5 people) obviously I cannot afford to pay for everyone and mum just tells me I’m “running to daddy for money”. 

it’s also hard when she talks to me in a mean way, I ask her what I’m doing wrong, I tell her I do nothing but clean, keep out of her way go to uni, go to my casual job to work and sit in my room, and she just says something like “oh you want an award for cleaning?”. Like no obviously not I’m not trying to brag about cleaning I don’t announce to her every time I clean seeking validation and awards. 
I am also the only one who walks our 2 dogs. 

i offered to help her arrange a desk in her room, I said I’d help her go through her room and make it pretty and create a cute working space because her room is way big enough to fit a desk, and she said no because she “doesn’t want to be shoved away into the corner of the house”. Which I don’t understand but anyway. 

i just literally can’t afford to live out of home, money is the only thing stopping me from moving out. 

[Malto2001]

Thanks for your reply. 
I think I am just going to have to put up with it. 
i feel like my whole family hates me, my siblings see the way my mum treats me and now they’re doing the same, telling me to F off if I ask them to tidy up after themselves. I asked my sister to clean the cat poo that was in the BATHTUB because her cat went into their instead of the litter and I was just met with “shut the f up, you’re so annoying, you’re such a bi**h”. She also poured water all over me when I was sweeping in the hallway once because she got annoyed at me for cleaning outside her bedroom door. 

I’m open to trying to view if I’m doing anything wrong. I’m willing to change but I just can’t see if I’m doing anything wrong. I feel like I’m just being pushed away from my family because of my mum. 

[tranzcrybe]

Wow, it seems you are completely unappreciated around the house and find yourself in an invidious situation only exacerbated by abuse from siblings.

Surely it has been more than the past 3 years to reach this level of toxicity?

From your account, any share house accommodation sounds preferable if you can find colleagues to come to your aid ( - offering to do the housework could offset costs perhaps?).

Stay strong.

[David35]

What about earmuffs for her? And there is no other room for her to work in?

[Juliet_84]

Hi Malto2001,

Unfortunately what you are witnessing is what often happens in toxic households. There is the instigator (ie your mother in this case) but then there are often other players (sometimes referred to as flying monkeys) who see the way you are treated and then decide to join in so that they can carry some favour with the perpetrator. I have witnessed it before and the whole thing makes me sick to be honest, that people can be that weak and opportunistic. Families that are dysfunctional often choose a scapegoat (sadly it seems to be you in this instance) who is often the most socially aware member and therefore most likely to stand up to their treatment, which angers them. The positives that you can take from this are that you are a morally strong and courageous person who believes in kindness and respect and what is right. The downside is that some of your family members are not like this at all. I really think you need to start practicing emotionally distancing yourself for your own well-being. If you have a bedroom, I would use that as your sanctuary. Consider getting a weekend job while you are at uni to at least get you some money/independence or start looking at companies and volunteering in uni holidays so that you can have a job lined up when you leave. Where is your dad in all this if you don’t mind me asking?

[Malto2001]

Hi Juliet,

my dad mostly keeps to himself, he agrees that my mum is horrible towards me but he says that is just who she is and I need to ignore it. I get along with him for the most part , in the past I didn’t ever have a close relationship with him but it has gotten a bit better. He does tell my siblings off although when it comes to mum he doesn’t say anything because she will go off at him. He has asked her for a divorce so many times, they fight a lot but then they forgive each other and it’s like a cycle that never ends.  They should have divorced like 10 years ago but it is what it is I guess 

[Juliet_84]

Ah ok, I had a similar situation growing up - a mother who’s emotions seemed to take up a lot of space and a father who didn’t want to get involved and left us kids to fend for ourselves essentially. The problem that I had was that I learnt during all of this to be a people pleaser and found it hard to set boundaries, I was constantly having to put my emotions aside to deal with hers. I also decided that I would not go for a man who didn’t defend me like my father so chose a partner who had a fairly explosive temper (I figured surely he would defend me). Spoiler alert, he ended up sharing a lot of traits that my mother did and I was in a DV relationship for over a decade. I only tell you this because I wish someone had warned me, that when you are in a situation like this, it makes you a lot more prone to repeat these unhealthy patterns in relationships so try not to ignore red flags, they will always be there from the start (6-month mark in my case). Your father is right in that she is the way she is. You will find it very difficult to set a boundary with her while you are “living under her roof” as they are inclined to wield this power. You will find it much easier when she doesn’t have a hold over you (ie you no longer live at home). So concentrate on your uni work, try and not let her derail it (they will try), and get out of there. I’m sorry that I don’t have more helpful advice but some things are not a problem to be solved, but a truth to be accepted. And I think unfortunately this is one.