Dealing with bully brother

[David35]

I'm 46 and looked after my mother who had cancer from mid 2021 - late 2022. She's in remission now. At the end of 2021, I had a mental breakdown. I appealed to my brother for support, as did mum, and we were both mocked for it. He had his family, WHY were we struggling, etc. Long story short, we didn't speak for about 12 months, because after he abused me on the phone, I wasn't interested. We didn't go up to his place last Christmas (2022) because I was still struggling. Admittedly, he has spoken to me the last few months and it was the first time he asked how I was. He also dropped in over Christmas.

Long story short, he wants to celebrate mum's birthday this weekend at his place, but I haven't stopped having panic attacks since. I know it's the right thing to do, but a part of me is still so traumatised by how little support he gave us both during this time and how criticised us both, that I don't want to go. He did ask how my psych sessions were going and I know he's trying to bridge the gap between us but he's broken so much trust I had in him (and his wife), that I still find it hard to face him. Any suggestions?

[white knight]

Hi welcome

I too have had sibling issues last xmas so I understand fully.

You could suggest a neutral place to meet, a park or hotel for lunch? 

After many squabbles in my family mainly due to over reactions due to mental illness, I've categorised issues.  They are- unforgivable, not acceptable but repairable, acceptable but needs negotiation, hurtful but can let it slip by... each category imo should in my world go through the necessary discussions to be repaired except for "unforgivable". I dont think your situation was "unforgivable" - why?

When my wife and I nursed her mother 2 years ago (Parkinsons, heart issues) the level of care/disruption/effects on our marriage was huge. However, many of her family were not in tune with the severity of this upheaval. In fact after her passing many upon hearing of our challenges said "I didnt realise it was that bad". While this is unacceptable it is part of human realisation, that "out of sight out of mind" comes into play. We all have busy lives and a day comes and goes often without achieving all of what we set out to do. 

In your case it was worse than that and therefore needs a more intimate approach maybe after this weekend. I suggest a coffee outside a cafe or meeting in a park. Your first words would need to come from the heart eg "I'm here today to tell you how much I love you and want you in my life. I am however very hurt that you have not acknowledged the difficulties I and mum have endured. I want to fix this so we can unite at xmas once again.". Then talk more about it.

I feel due to his efforts, you will succeed but paving the way forward will happen with the right approach. My guess is he has little idea of the effort you've put in. I'd go along this weekend for mums sake. Good luck

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello David, sometimes family and/or friends don't appreciate the situation you are struggling with and make flipid comments not understanding the gravity of the problem, but when they start to think of what has been said, suddenly feel guilty and want to extend their arm out to you.

If he wants to see your mum for her birthday, then if you deny him this, then future problems may arise, but it really depends on whether your mum wants to see him, but know what this may cause for you.

If you can appreciate what your mum wants then perhaps you could this to happen, remember you don't have to be near him if that's what you want, but he may want to repair what has previously been said, and make good.

It's not an easy choice I know as I have been in exactly the same position a while ago.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[David35]

Thanks. It has been playing on my mind for days now. I think it falls into the forgivable category. He simply wasn't aware that we were both close to breaking point both during mum's treatment, diagnosis, biopsies, and afterwards, my gradual decline into anxiety-ridden life. He did drop in by himself just before Christmas for 5 minutes, so he think he's making amends. And you're right. If I deny him this opportunity, it will appear that I'm holding a grudge. Which I'm not. I'm just scarred by his (and his wife's) lack of compassion during one of the most stressful times in our lives.

[white knight]

Thankyou for replying. Sometimes taking the high road is the best option, I wish you well with the meet up.

Please google the following on the topic of your anxiety-

Beyondblue topic anxiety- how I eliminated it 

TonyWK

[David35]

Just wanted to thank you for both of your advice. We met up today and it was almost like a form of reconciliation. I've been a wreck for the last week due to my nerves and my experiences in the past with them. But it seems they've turned over a new leaf and we can begin healing. My dad used to say that 2 wrongs don't make a right. I'm glad I listened to him and yourselves and confronted my inner fears and spent time with them today.