Hi all,
I wanted to start this discussion as a space to share some sneaky ways to trick your brain into being nicer to yourself by realising you're being mean to other people. Ideally you'll get to a point where doing it for you is enough, but I had a few 'A-Ha' moments that helped me be kinder to myself using my care for others as the motivation that I wouldn't have got to this point without!
For example, I used to have really insecure thoughts and worries along the lines of: what is my partner actually thinks I'm annoying? What if my friends think I'm weird? What if they're only pretending to be nice about me?
Then I read about someone who told some of their insecure thoughts to their partner (including what they imagined their partner was thinking and feeling when they weren't around) and their partner said something about it making them sad that they thought they were the kind of person who'd be that mean. That REALLY woke me up more than trying to tell myself 'you're not annoying/weird' or build my self-worth when I didn't know how. It felt pretty harsh initially, but I was able to quiet a lot of those insecurities by essentially thinking back 'don't you talk about my friend that way! They're always honest with me and our open communication is one of the best parts of our relationship!'
It also helped me to set clearer boundaries and get more comfortable saying no when it was pointed out to me that insisting I had to help loved ones or everything would go wrong was also implying that they weren't strong enough to do the thing on their own or handle rejection. I was taking on much more of an emotional load than I should've been in my family and played peacemaker for years despite it being awful for my health, but I didn't stop until I realised I was robbing them of the chance to learn how to handle conflict themselves/implying I didn't believe they could! Suddenly 'needing' to help no matter what was a bit condescending, something I could push back against the second it affected other people.
Again, ideally everyone will get to a point where helping yourself is enough, but I was very lucky to eventually get the professional help I had building self-compassion and the sad fact is there isn't enough support for everyone who needs it. I'm really curious to know if anyone else has had a similar experience/finds this helpful?
