Partner withholding affection and shutting down

[scooby2000]

Does anyone else’s partner when upset go and lock themselves away in another room to avoid you and teach you a lesson ? And also withholding affection and give you one word answer ?

[Croix]

Dear Scooby2000~

Welcome here to the Forum, a good place to come to see how others may have handled similar situations.

You did say this happens when your partner is upset, and there are as many ways of handling being upset as there are people . From the sound of it you would your partner to remain around rather than disappear, and it can be very frustrating if that happens when you'd prefer to argue.

Still if a person feels arguing will only make things worse then withdrawal may seem to them the most effective way of handling the matter, after all argument can tend to escalate well beyond what anyone wants.

I'm not saying this is the case here, nor the reason they withhold affection or only answer in single words. It could be hurt, it could be a desire to punish. Reading your description we would not know, then again maybe you might not see the full picture either.

Can I ask if - when the pair of you are happily together - you have asked about this and seen how your partner sees things. Not an easy conversation to start I"ll admit, and difficult not to be accusatory or have another argument, however a gentle chat may well help understanding.

Do you think that might be possible?

Croix

[sbella02]

Scooby2000,

Thank you so much for posting here, welcome to the forums. In addition to the great advice from Croix, I feel as if I can add value to this conversation as I do tend to respond like this when I'm upset, which I know now is unhealthy.

For me, a lot of my avoidance behaviours when I'm upset were learned from when I was a child, and they've carried into my adulthood. It just made sense to me to be in my own space for a while, so I could process my own thoughts and calm myself down. My previous partner would gently call me out on it, as does the person I'm currently seeing. They remind me that they're there to listen to me if I need it, and that they'd prefer me to open up to them about what's wrong rather than keeping it all to myself. 

Honestly, I would approach it with a tenderness and understanding and try to open a conversation with your partner about what may be upsetting them, that it makes you upset to see them upset, and remind them that you're there to support them, if they feel there's anything you can do to help alleviate some of their struggles. It may bring them comfort knowing that you're there to listen to and support them. 

You don't have to have this conversation with them while they're upset. It may even be best to talk with them when they're in a better headspace, as they may be more willing to open up to you.

I wish you all the best here, and encourage you to keep chatting with us if you'd like. The more context you're willing to provide, the more we may be able to support you.

Take care, SB

[JED1980]

Hey Scooby2000

Yep! Mine does this!! I find it to be extremely frustrating, and it (i think) makes the situation worse. 

I spoke to my psychologist about it, who said its most likely his way of dealing with conflict/upset in his life. By walking away, they are trying to disengage, and deal with things n their own way.... But.... he should not be doing this to teach you a lesson.. that part is the bit that i find concerning. 

I guess as the others have said, maybe try and talk to him about how this makes you feel (when you are both calm) and see if you can reach an understanding. 

I know from my experience its not easy nor nice when this happens.

Always here if you need a chat 

Jx 

[geoff]

Hello Scooby2000, absolutely, unfortunately and only started talking with me after a few hours and only if I blamed myself.

Now we are divorced but talk weekly as if nothing happened.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[LastChance]

OK... I would try to find out if your partner is doing that to hurt, influence you and tries to change your behavior, etc?

Is there sulking, defiance behavior involved? For example, what happens when you bring your partner's favorite food? Does that pacify her/him? Or does she/he let the food rot in the fridge (indicates defiant behavior).

If yes, it's very likely the case. Have a look in the internet at passive aggressive behavior, silent treatment... 

How does he/she cools down? Do you have to apology, pacify and/or be remorseful? If so, better stop that immediately. Because if you have to be like that before your partner cools down all the time you will ingrain and amplify that behavior.

Better you go to your partner, let him/her know that you there for them, love them and will be ready to talk when they are. And then you do your stuff, what you like, etc. until your partner is ready to talk.

In addition I would talk to your partner when there are no tensions (see previous replies). Say that this behavior hurts you, feeds your anxiousness, will divide the relationship, etc. And see how your partner reacts.  

Good luck...