I've given up on relationships, friends, etc

[TheGuitarist]

Hello,

I'm fairly new but been reading lots, but can't find any threads that help.

Basically, I'm male, 30 in 1 month and I feel like relationships and such are over for me. I've had one dating relationship, and that ended over 10 years ago. I haven't had a date since before that.

During my 20s, I lost a lot of weight (140kg -> 85kg), was very outgoing despite my severe anxiety, went to lots of live music gigs, bars, clubs, all of the parties. Thing is, nobody has been interested in me, and since then my health has seriously deteriorated.

I now have sleep apnea, sciatica, celiac disease, IBD, major depression, severe anxiety, and a host of complications as a result of celiac disease developing in the last 3 years. I can no longer eat 90% of food, nor any form of takeaway, it's extremely complicated to dine out, and all my friends have discarded me when my illness seriously hit me. They no longer reply to texts, mention when they're in town, or communicate on social media.

I have one close friend, female (I am male) who I live with, who is in a long distance relationship. Soon she'll be moving over to America to marry her fiance (and they're great together.) When that happens my last friend will leave the country.

I feel my best years are behind me, my health only seems to deteriorate further and the complications keep piling up. Nobody was interested in me in my best health, when I was honestly trying as much as I could, being the most outgoing I ever have in my life, and at the peak of my health.

I fear that my best times are gone, and hitting 30 next month sort of solidifies it. I haven't had a date in 11 years, and in my vocation (IT backend programming) where it's 99% male (seriously, out of 60 employees we have 1 female), I have no chance to meet anyone. I keep looking on meetup and such to find events to go to, but none seem to be in my area (SE Melbourne suburbs) and the ones in the city I can't get to due to health issues.

I can't imagine anyone wanting to get involved with me with my current severe mental and health issues, and I also feel my health will only get worse from here. I've been trying to get better for years, but it just doesn't happen. I hate myself, my body, everything. I can't develop love for myself, and consequently I can't see anyone else ever doing the same.

I suppose I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading if you got this far.

[geoff]

hi TheGuitarist, so does this means you can play in a band,just asking.
Being 30 doesn't mean that you can't have another relationship, people aged in their 60's still date, and you're putting too much blame on yourself and not giving yourself any credit, and to pretty well almost halve your weight is an extreme effort, that takes dedication.
Years ago when I was quite younger and before I got married, I would never approach a female myself, because I was too self- conscious, or rather just plain scared to go up to a female and ask her out, but before I went I would convince myself that this is the time when I will go up and ask someone out, but that never happened.
I understand what happens when someone has celiac disease, a gluten free diet, but perhaps some restaurants can offer a gluten free meal, however sciatica is a terrible painful condition so I feel sorry for you to have all these different illness's, which makes me ask whether or not you are seeing a psychologist for your depression and anxiety, which could be caused by what you have told us.
The girl you are living with who has a long term distance relationship which also makes me ask has she actually met this guy or has love formed on the net only, what I'm trying to say is that when they meet it could all go wrong, because you can't get to know someone properly over the net, because all the appropriate love words are always said and not exactly how they feel, so she may return in other words.
We all want someone to come to us rather than us having to go to them, but if that's what we believe then nothing will ever happen, and the reason why you can't begin to love yourself is because you don't think that anybody would ever love you, well there is always someone out there waiting for you, and remember they could be more frightened than you are, so they go home once again disappointed.
If you are too shy to ask someone out then write down on a piece of paper saying 'can I shout you a drink', that will get some laughter happening and then bingo. Geoff.

[Starwolf]

Hi TheGuitarist,

Kudos to you for finding the courage to take the plunge and share your story.

Facing so many health issues is indeed a challenge, a source of distress, limitations and pain. The fact that you are keeping and enjoying a job is a credit to your spirit. You also have good insight into your situation and express it articulately.

You have hit the nail on the head...lack of self appreciation is often the major issue behind social isolation. Poor health and mental/emotional struggles don't define you. Regardless of your physical limitations and mental unrest, a kind heart, keen insight, intelligence are very attractive. So is the passion involved in having a vocation or the courage it takes to lose a lot of weight. Sooner or later, someone will take notice. But there's no way it can happen if you don't believe in yourself and if you don't put yourself out there. Hiding in corners and retiring ways only alienate us and reinforce the false belief that we are unlovable.

A struggling mind notices little beyond its struggles. Perhaps you could sit down and spend time writing a list of your talents, qualities and achievements. Then read it again every time self confidence wavers.

Have you thought of joining a support group (i.e. celiac disease) ? Perhaps your hospital could point you in the right direction. It could give you a chance to connect with people who understand what you are up against. It may also be worth checking what is available in your area with a Neighborhood or Community Center.

Kindest thoughts.

[TheGuitarist]

Hello, and thank you for you replies.

Regarding the girl I live with, she has met him twice for 3 month stays, and got back from that second trip just a month and a half ago. They get along great, and honestly I wish the best for them. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed personally, but my personal condition for her living with me is that I would not seek out a relationship or sexual favours as a form of payment. She's my closest friend, and knows me better than any other (including my parents.)

I'm dreading her going back in a few months, as I end up becoming very isolated when she's not here, getting stuck in an endless cycle of just going to work and coming home, and drinking myself silly.

I have seen a GP and am on antidepressants, though at this point I think I need to revisit him for an increased dosage or try another medication. Last night before I wrote this post I was just sitting at my desk silently crying and missing things so many other people seem to take for granted (friends, pizza, significant others.)

Regarding my guitaring, I'm just a bedroom player. I have a few friends in the live music scene, but every time I show them my material they say they'll listen later and never do. Playing guitar and bass over the last 5 years has really helped me cope with the isolation and depression. But it's mainly just that, coping. The music helps, but in the end nobody I try to show it to is interested, which takes away some of the enjoyment.

Regarding, "sooner or later it will happen", that's just the thing. After 11 years, I'm giving up on that. I haven't had so much as a kiss in 10 years, before my girlfriend broke up with me and admitted to cheating on me. That relationship was toxic for both of us, and I can't really point to who may have been at fault on that one.

I have had no sexual adventures in that time of any sort except one time at a legal brothel, and let's just say that she wasn't the one having trouble that night, I was. Part of my current issues are at the heart of that - my medication's side effects have made it worse, but before I was on medication it was still an issue. I have a fear of getting intimate with anyone, though I've not been able to test how well I'd perform in any case. This and body issues are a large part of my issues.

Writing a list may help. It's helped before in times of stress to calm down. Writing a note might also work. I just can't find any social groups where I am.

[TheGuitarist]

Regarding the psychiatrist, unfortunately I'm living paycheck to paycheck at the moment, and have been since I got sick. I'm struggling to hold my current job due to health issues. I did get the mental health plan from my GP at one point, but had to spend my money on emergency dental work instead.

Wages never change, gluten free food is on average 500% more expensive than normal food, rent and utilities go up, and I find myself with less and less money available each year. I look back fondly on the days of my health, at the one job that would actually accommodate my health issues (half the company worked from home or on vacation abroad.) Sadly, that company decided I'd be the best one to let go because I had no kids, and then all my health issues came to light (and shortly later I was diagnosed with celiac disease.)

Since then it's been a constant issue of no sick time, meaning very little time off, and even when I might have some sick leave available I'm too important and can't miss a day. (This has been repeated time and time again, at one point before I got diagnosed I was trying to get time off because I felt sick. The most I could get was one day off a week, rather than a week itself. I was the only one with that restriction, and it's constantly plagued me in my subsequent 2 jobs.)

My manager berated me for not working like one of my Japanese coworkers, you know until 11pm at night. Instead I was just doing my normal hours, which "isn't good enough." I should have been putting in unpaid overtime to get the work done, since most of last week was spent in long meetings.

I'm apparently too valuable to ever get time off (even though I'm the only person battling so many health issues), yet so little valued that they're willing to let me go if I can't manage my IBS correctly and get in on time every morning, regardless of traffic or stomach issues.

This constant threat hanging over me just makes it even harder to do my job optimally and my performance suffers.

So work, whilst paying a decent wage and I'm hanging in there, is still very rocky and unsure. It's not paying enough to keep me afloat, and I've spent many a day skipping meals entirely due to lack of money. My own father wouldn't lend me money when I was broke, so I haven't really spoken to him much recently. (Not to mention the 10 year hiatus he took from seeing me entirely.)

Thank you both for your kind words and suggestions. It still looks bleak to me, but I have some things to try.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for shedding a bit more light on your situation.

It sounds like your employers are blackmailing you into submission. Being treated more harshly than others is nothing short of discrimination. Should a medical certificate stating you need a week off be ignored, employers could be in a lot of trouble ! Being important is somewhat flattering but at the end of the day, no one is irreplaceable and being important doesn't cancel your right to be sick.

Have you approached your GP about putting you again on the mental health plan ? Money is not normally handed to patients but is usually claimed by practitioners for their services so there would be no pressure or temptation to spend it in any other way than that prescribed. Worth a try ?

Alcohol is a depressant so can seriously aggravate depression. It doesn't help cope with reality, only gives us the temporary illusion we can escape from it. In the long term, it is harmful to body, mind and spirit. It is also a serious put off for those who would otherwise come close. A costly self-medication on all fronts...

I agree that a past toxic relationship can make it more difficult to trust again, so we build protective walls around us to save us from getting hurt again. Where sex is concerned, men would be surprised at the number of women who don't find it a pressing necessity...as long as tenderness and gentle touch are part of the relationship. It is of course preferable to discuss potential issues with a partner before they actually happen.

Thank you again for conversing with us. Hopefully, some good things will come out of sharing your thoughts and concerns with other people's. It often helps us clarify them to ourselves.