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Ending a friendship is tough

J_M
Community Member
My job pretty much dictates that I can only be friends with people in the same industry. However, sometimes, someone comes into your life and you work around it. I became friends with someone and at first, it was so great not staying at home all the time if I had night shifts off. I should have known it would be a train wreck the first time she betrayed my confidence! But I put it down to a mistake and forgave her. Since then, she has broken my trust a couple more times.. I also heard reports of her speaking very inappropriately around people I know. She got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, again, around people I know, also, she can't take an Uber because she physically assaulted a driver! Through all of this, I've been supportive of her, I have some troubles at the moment and she can't be bothered to even call me.. it seems I've spent a lot of time and energy on a 'friend ' that didn't deserve it... feeling so sad right now
8 Replies 8

TheSteve
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi J&M,

Sometimes our "investments" go bad. Whether they be financial, time, or in this case, emotional - you have made an investment in this person and it was a poor emotional investment. The feelings you are experiencing will not last forever, but like any bad investment, it is time to cut your losses and move on - upping your investment at this stage would be unwise.

She has her problems, don't let them become yours. Find other emotional investments to make - no doubt you will have more success in time.

All my best to you.

Steve

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi J&M, feeling sad is horrible, we all have had been through this stage ourselves many times and it's not pleasant and never will be, and for you to be placed in this situation only makes you feel lonely.
Her 'conduct has been unbecoming', probably a side of her she wanted to keep quite from you, but now it's all come out which is a total surprise for you and a complete disappointment, unfortunately she can't be classified as a 'friend', even after all you have done for her and then forgiving her.
I have been 'used' many times myself and completely astonished on how people have the guts to do this,but they do, and I'm sorry it's happened for you.
We all hope that when we make friends with people that any help will go both ways, however it may be more one sided than the other, but for you it's only her taking advantage and when you would hope for a call from you, shows where she sits.
I hope that you can trust us on this site to be able to help you, so please get back to us. Geoff.

J_M
Community Member

Hi TheSteve!

thank you for your message. Yes, I have made a bad investment. I suppose I just wanted it to work out so much that I ignored my instincts. I'm trying really hard not to give myself too much of a hard time about it. When I heard the totally inappropriate things she was saying to the staff of the pub that I co-own, and the uber driver incident, I should have ripped that band-aid off straight away! I enjoy going out and I also enjoy a good tipple and I know that I will never behave in that way because I'm always polite and courteous and that should be a pre-requisite for the people I choose to have in my life... But I didn't, now I'm stuck with this person calling me a bad influence and being seen to take the moral high-ground! When she's clearly got the issues but it's making me look bad... I suppose I need to take charge of my situation and never let this happen again..

pipsy
Community Member

Hi J&M. Being let down by anyone is hard, when it's someone you thought was a friend, it's harder. I would say this girl possibly doesn't realize what being a 'true' friend is. With severe alcohol abuse, as she obviously has, she may not even remember any promise she made to you regarding confidences. If she made certain promises to you while she was 'under the influence', there's an extremely good chance she has no recollection. I'm not excusing her behaviour, it's just that I know from experience, people who have drink problems can turn nasty, even violent. There's nothing you can do to change her, she needs help. Alcohol abuse also means selfishness. Even though she is probably aware of your problems, her alcohol addiction means she will drink before doing anything else. I am a recovering alcoholic and I know I let people down, repeatedly. I have been 'dry' for over 7 months, but I have been where your female friend is, many, many times. I quite likely betrayed my friends too, I have no idea. I do know how hard it is to stop drinking. If your paths cross again, which, no doubt they will, be careful, but don't provoke her. If she asks to see you, just tell her 'no', your job forbids patronizing with customers. She may abuse you for this, but stick to your guns. After a while, her need for alcohol will force her to go somewhere else. I'm hoping for her sake, she gets help. I'm not siding against you, just talking from the 'other side' of the coin. Alcohol abuse is damaging, you lose everyone and everything. Admitting to being an alcoholic is hard. It's only this year, I finally admitted. I started drinking when I was at school. I'm in my 60's and for the first time ever, I can remember things I've said and done for the past 7 months. It's cost me friends, my home, I almost lost my kids, g'kids.

Lynda

J_M
Community Member

Hi Geoff,

thank you for your advice. You've made a lot of sense and I believe that things like this happen to us to teach us a lesson! I need to figure out what that lesson is so that I can move forward. The troubles I've been having recently have helped me to see who my real friends are.. I had a very tough day ahead of me today and the messages I received in the morning of support were just amazing! Still nothing from my non-friend, though.

J_M
Community Member

Thank you Lynda!

wow, what an ordeal you've been through. Thank you for sharing your story, it gave some insight that I never thought of before. I'm just going to have to listen to my instincts more to pull the plug on wrong choices before they get out of hand! best of luck with everything!

pipsy
Community Member

Hi J&M. I'm glad I was able to show you where your non-friend might be in her life. Now you are aware of how damaging alcohol abuse can be, it will help in future friendships. I thought I could hide it too. I met a man who is special in my life, he 'saw' through my charade. Through this man, I realized how much I would lose if I continued my downward spiral. He, like me is a recovering alcoholic, he sometimes had to 'mentally' shake me. I, unlike your friend, listened as I realized I didn't want to lose him too. It's possible this lady you know wants to stop the alcohol but doesn't know how to. No-one can help her till she's ready. It's not your fault, it's not actually hers either. Alcohol addiction is cruel and the sufferer needs help. If you see her again be kind, but distance yourself as she will continue dragging you. Take care and don't let this experience prevent you from being friends with people.

Lynda

Quiettall
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi there

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for sticking to your friend despite her letting you down badly. I hope you can find other friends that can be more mutually supportive and caring for you. I have experienced similar and it takes time to get over it. However, can encourage you by saying there are others out there who are willing and able to support and care for you. It might take time to find them and be comfortable with them, but be patient, believe in yourself and above all, believe that human nature is usually generally good