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Trying to let go

Community Member


My husband of 8 years and partner for 13 years left me unexpectedly in February. We had talked about starting a family and even had names picked out. He had an opportunity to further his career with a temporary rotation with his company in a city a couple hours away. I encouraged this and was excited for the new opportunities is was going to open up to us. After only a week there he met another woman and left me for her. To add insult to injury she has a child. He was cold and hurtful and left me with a lot of responsibility he just walked away from. He left me, my family, and friends for this new life. He was cruel, cold and refused to talk to me. We had worked so hard and talked so much about our dreams and goals and he just left to live out what we always talked about wanting with someone else. I have been devistated ever since. Memories of my life with him fill my head and will not back off.

On top of my struggle with dealing with that, my mother decided she no longer wanted medical intervention for a health issue she had been dealing with and went on hospice where I took care of her and essentially helped her die.

I thought my ex would have at least emailed me to give his condolences as he was a part of my family and close to my family for a couple years before I even met him. He didn't.

The loss of the person I want to grow old with and the betrayal and lack of respect coupled with the loss of my mother has almost been unbearable.

I try to tell myself that things will get better that this will be for the best but the anxiety and constant images and memories that my mind plays repeat in debilitating. I struggle to maintain this facade that I am OK when inside I feel like dying.

I want to be able to accept and move on but I am constantly scheming in my brain how I can change things but I know I can't. It's like my brain won't give me a rest. It's been close to a year and I can't even begin to image my life without my ex. I have this unhealthy hope that he will contact me and ask that we reconcile. I get uncomfortable when I am in public and everything reminds me of my past. I am consumed by everything that I no longer havery and I am remaining stuck. it's affecting my life and keeping me from being able to let go and live my life. I am stugging with how you let go of something and someone you love so wholeheartedly.

Thanks for reading...

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi and welcome

We get similar situations here often in regards to coping with loss.

The remedies can be many depending on the person. It's not dissimilar than grief for a passing loved one. So in that aspect 12 months isn't that long. Don't feel guilty taking as long as it takes....grief is a personal thing.

I proved 20 years ago that keeping very busy is one answer. I was a mess for 3 months then bought a block of land and proceeded to plan and build my own home as well as shift work and visitations with my children. I was so tired and diverted I had no time thinking about my estranged wife.

So use this time as an opportunity to live life differently, be spontaneous like pick a day for hot air ballooning or join the local volleyball or badminton club. Be active.

There is no magic wand however you can cram so much into your life to leave little time to think.

Finally, your ex not making contact with you after the passing of a loved one.....it doesn't mean he doesn't "feel" for you and that person. It means he feels he is taking risks of confrontation or discomfort if he does.Iy isn't easy either way.

Tony WK

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Shaolyn121,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post and sharing your story with us.

It sounds like it's been a real struggle for you and it sounds like your husband leaving you was quite unexpected which I imagine has made it harder to accept what has happened.

I'm just wondering if you've spoken about this with a counsellor or a therapist? There's been some big changes in your life and often psychologists can help by either providing an ear or helping to give techniques on ways that might help.

One thing I will mention though is that I do not think it's about 'getting over him'. You loved him; you were with him for 13 years. He was a huge part of your life and you planned a future together. Nothing anybody says will ever change that. I think instead it's about finding a new life that does not include him in it.

Often with grief and loss people say "oh get over it", but it's not about that, it's about "getting through it". Doesn't matter what the loss is - whether it's the death of someone we love or the end of a relationship; we find ways to find a new life that's a bit different.

Maybe there will always be apart of you that thinks about your past or wonders about what could've been. I think that that will be natural; but that doesn't mean your life has to be consumed by this. Like Tony WK has said, maybe it's about trying new things or going out to new places to either keep distracted or to fill your life up again.

I hope this is helpful. Of course this is just my perspective on things from your post, but I do encourage you to have a chat to a psychologist anyway or reach out again.