I think I live in a toxic household

[PsychedelicFur]

I think I may live in a toxic household. 

My Dad is financially dependent on me to pay half of the rent. And If I ever decide to move out eventually he says to me "I've have to find somewhere else to live then."

I was never told I was beautiful by him growing up. I think it's important to tell your kids how special, amazing and beautiful they are. He will constantly compliment other people though- if we are out in the car or watching tv. "She's cute." And it irritates me. Because I was never told that I was ever really 'good enough'. I've told him, politely with how uncomfortable and frustrated it makes me feel and yet he keeps doing it. 

Even before my parents sold their house and divorced, he has been very emotionally dependent on me. When I was four years old I would have to listen to his problems and concerns because my Mother is narcissistic and doesn't care about anyone else other than herself and her needs. 

I have a lot of internalized anger, sadness and grief. My mother was emotionally abusive towards me and my father is still emotionally dependent on me. I've gone "no contact" with my mother. 

When I am out with my partner- staying the night at his, my dad will complain about how lonely or depressed he is. It really gets me down. 

[PsychedelicFur]

My needs are always a burden to him. He complains when I need something. I rarely ask for much. It's not fair. 😞 

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there, 

I haven't been functioning properly for a long time. I recently cancelled any future appointments with my psychologist because she was encouraging me to meet up with my narcissistic mother, who neglected and psychologically abused when I was little. I did tell her how affected I am now but she was suggesting it. Another reason why I quit any future appointments was because she was telling me about her other clients and some of their struggles. Plus she was yawning during our sessions and not fully listening to what I was saying. I felt unheard. 

I feel so alone, within my thoughts. I still live with my Dad, who in a way is emotionally unavailable. I am doing so well academically but I feel like I am not functioning properly. I feel like I am not functioning properly. 

I feel anxious when I leave the house. I feel like I am constantly retraumatizing myself. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi PsychedelicFur,

I'm so sorry to hear all this! You're psychologist shouldn't be trying to make you catch up with someone who was so awful to you. There are many good psychologists out there so I suggest trying new ones until you find a really good one.

I feel like my parents are a bit like your Dad (they don't treat me as badly), but they are often emotionally unavailable and a lot of the time don't even pretend to care when I tell them about problems I'm having and they barely talk to me except for really mindless things like "I'm going to make myself a nice cup of tea." They rarely say nice things about me.

I agree that your father sounds emotionally immature. I was very emotionally immature when I was a teenager, but even then, I cared about other people's problems as well as my own. He probably had parents who didn't listen to him or something, but he's at an age where he should know better and be able to handle himself better even if he's going through a hard time. At least he has a lovely daughter like you. You don't seem to have much support at all and I really feel for you. The way your father acts reminds me that if I ever have children, that I shouldn't lean on them like this, they need to be able to lean on me for support. That's what parenting is about. Looking after your children, not your children looking after you.

You might have to have a firm talk with your father (maybe ask one of your psychologists first to see if they think this would work out well) and let him know that it's not your responsibility to make sure he can stay in this house when you move out. If he needs to, he could move into a smaller house so he can afford it all. Remind him again that you find it hurtful that he never praises you and you could also let him know things that you like about him because that might help encourage him (not saying you should have to do this because after all, he is the parent and the reason why you (might) not praise him is because he doesn't make you feel good about yourself), but just try to find something you like about him, tell him about it and see if that helps encourage him.

If even after the firm talk, he doesn't get any better, I would suggest talking to an abuse Hotline (because that's basically what they are doing to you).