I think I live in a toxic household

[PsychedelicFur]

I think I may live in a toxic household. 

My Dad is financially dependent on me to pay half of the rent. And If I ever decide to move out eventually he says to me "I've have to find somewhere else to live then."

I was never told I was beautiful by him growing up. I think it's important to tell your kids how special, amazing and beautiful they are. He will constantly compliment other people though- if we are out in the car or watching tv. "She's cute." And it irritates me. Because I was never told that I was ever really 'good enough'. I've told him, politely with how uncomfortable and frustrated it makes me feel and yet he keeps doing it. 

Even before my parents sold their house and divorced, he has been very emotionally dependent on me. When I was four years old I would have to listen to his problems and concerns because my Mother is narcissistic and doesn't care about anyone else other than herself and her needs. 

I have a lot of internalized anger, sadness and grief. My mother was emotionally abusive towards me and my father is still emotionally dependent on me. I've gone "no contact" with my mother. 

When I am out with my partner- staying the night at his, my dad will complain about how lonely or depressed he is. It really gets me down. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi PsychedelicFur,

Thank you for sharing this here. We’re really sorry to hear what you’re going through. 

In a healthy relationship with anyone, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your father. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.

It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

We’re sure our warm and kind community will spot your post soon, some of whom may be able to relate to what you’re going through. Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here.

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 
 

[white knight]

Hi PF, glad to hear from you again,

To an extent like many thing the answer lies somewhere in the middle so I'll point out what I see is reasonable on both sides.

You certainly are not responsible for his happiness nor his rent obligations if you moved out. Such comments pertaining to that is placing guilt on you and that is unfair and displays dependence. Not good. I think this is worthy of some "tough love" in that you could ignore the comments or laugh them off, do it your way but once I was dependent on a friend and he said one day "get a grip princess, it isnt my problem". It hit home. After all what will occur if he cant afford the rent? he might have to do what everyone else has to do- seek out a boarder or move into a smaller place or buy a caravan to live in. 

I've had no contact with my narc mother for 12 years. That's the way life pans out sometimes so as to survive and lead a happy life. It is possible you father didnt have the "ears" from your mother to support him. Being the needy type he's latched onto you  as you are his rock. No it isnt a comfortable place to be for you but there is a positive- your dad love you for this. His lack of praise for you is common among family members though. In some families I noticed a lack of open love and verbalising care. But when its crunch time eg a funeral, all the love comes out. 

"I think it's important to tell your kids how special, amazing and beautiful they are". Every generation improves on the last. When and if you have children you wont make the same mistakes (many do) but you are likely to make new ones. The biggest error he seems to have made is not making you feel good enough, which is easily remedied by praise and words of how proud he is. In that case you might just have to praise yourself.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

Your dads issue also seems to be distraction. If he had enough interests and friends he wouldnt be pressurising you with his comments of loneliness. The mens shed, sports, hobbies are all interests he can pursue. It is not your responsibility to fill the gap. 

TonyWK

[TonyMc80s]

Great feedback🙏

[PsychedelicFur]

I’m really struggling at the moment. Grieving is such a peculiar thing. One minute I’m ok and the next I feel so overwhelmed and upset. 

Living with my Dad can be really difficult. He complains a lot and he mentions constantly how lonely he gets. When I go off with my partner he says “I had a crap time. I’m so lonely.” 

And then when my partner and I want some alone time in my bedroom he is like “oh you are leaving me now?” 

it’s a headache. I feel so miserable. He doesn’t really want to listen to my problems much. I feel so alone. I feel so sad. 

He is always complaining. And it’s very draining. I feel so alone. 😞 

[ecomama]

Hey PF, doing it tough over there sweety? 

Besides the emotional guilt trips dad attempts to put on you all the time, what are the barriers from moving out on your own? 

Sorry PF but your dad needs to grow up. Saying it politely. 

You are already beautiful! Sure it'd be nice if all our parents were pretty much perfect but it doesn't take a parenting course to make children. That's the fact about it. 

As Tony WK said, and hopefully it's true! I'd like to believe it is... each generation improves upon the next. 
Wow did I get more than a mouthful when I said that to my mother about my daughter decades ago. (BTW I was so correct! My daughter is THE most wonderful mama, I'm so proud of her). 
Like Tony WK and you I see, we are all "motherless". 

You can nurture yourself the way you need and want. It really works! It takes TIME to pour this love into yourself but it really helps everything. 

Once you become independent of needing parents' words or permission or whatever, you really know you've grown up. 

Dear PF, for many years I was in a relationship that I couldn't work out, it was SO horrible. 
I felt SO ALONE. With a "husband" and lots of kids too, I was lonely. 

Now that awful person is gone, hallelujah!
I'm alone so often but I seldom ever feel lonely, like maybe once this year lol. It's AWESOME! 

It's time to cut the cord and be set free from the awful burden of this household. 

Set your goals. Give dad some notice. 
JUMP into the abyss and watch how you soar. 

We'll always be here for you, 
Love EMxxxx

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you everyone for the supportive and loving comments. I am really struggling. 

I do a recreational activity with my Dad at a place where I was abused at by an older man. I have told my Dad that visiting that place makes me relive that trauma and I feel as though I can’t move past it and thrive. He guilts me constantly for not wanting to go to that environment. And he compares his trauma to my trauma. “It happened years ago, why can’t you just do this one thing for me? I don’t ask you to do anything else.” 

and then last night he said to me, as I tried to explain to him how I was feeling - “Well, what do you do for me?” 

I rarely feel heard or understood. I feel very emotionally neglected. 

I talk to him about my university accomplishments and he doesn’t really seem to care. 

When I went on an anniversary holiday for one night with my partner, my Dad made me feel so guilty by saying ; “I was so lonely. I feel like crap.” 

I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel understood. I don’t feel cared about. It’s horrible. 

i feel like he is emotionally immature. He seems to only care about his problems.

Now that my Narcissistic mother is gone it seems that I am now a substitute for hearing his problems. 

When I mention my problems, from when I was younger he just says ; “I was dealing with a lot of my whole problems too.” 

I don’t know what else to do to be honest. 

I feel stuck. 

PF. 

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you Em xxx 

I will start nuturing myself the way I needed it when I was much younger. ❤️❤️ 

i have been thinking of other living arrangements but at the moment I cannot afford any other options. I will keep thinking though and see what I can find. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey PsychedelicFur,

We hope you don't mind us popping in to your discussion. We just wanted to check in and let you know that 1800RESPECT could be good to talk to about this, since you mentioned being abused and dealing with trauma. They're great to call or chat to for information, counselling and support and you can reach them anytime on 1800 737 732 or online here.

Our Support Service is here for you too, on the number at the bottom of the page.

Thanks for sharing this update with your friends here. It's great to hear you're feeling supported by this lovely community.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[ecomama]

Dear PF, it's a really hard situation living with your dad. 

It's not just the fact he leans on you so much, but the guilt trips he puts you through ughhhh (GRRRR as a mother) but also the fact that you so dearly WANT him to listen, care, validate you and the trauma you feel about THAT place he insists on going to every freaking week. 

Are you kidding me? He really makes you DO that? 
Yeah I'm horrified PF. That is NOT on. 

I'm angry with him too. 

I really want you to call one of the Helplines Sophie_M listed. 
PLEASE do this! 
1800RESPECT was awesome with me for literally YEARS. 

I eventually got my own Counsellor and have had her for years now. 

You can do this. You can survive this repeated neglect and IMHO abuse continued with having to visit that place. 

Hugs. I know how hard this time is for you right now! 
I really do. 

There are answers, there WILL be answers. Keep hope alive dear PF, things WILL change. 
Change is the only thing we know for sure. 

Hugs! 
Love EM