How to maintain normalcy for children

[Liz_ss]

I found out my husband has been cheating emotionally and physically for months if not longer. I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other. I am hurting too much to even think about reconciliation but I don't know if I want to slam the door just yet so I am trying to pretend that everything is ok in front of my child. However I am clearly doing a bad job of it as they can see I am broken and sad and asked me not to leave. It broke my heart and made me feel they will think this is all my fault if we split. Anyhow, my question is, how have people dealt with this? Have you made up an excuse for why you are sad? Or any tips on putting on a brave face? I am doing my best but it is so so hard. The child is a pre teen and pretty intuitive and emphatic. I obviously don't want them to know what their father did 

[white knight]

Hi,welcome

It happened to me (separation when daughters were 7 and 4yo in 1996) and worried heavily on our childrens welfare. I'd ring the school every morning to make sure they had arrived and asked their emotional state. After a few weeks their principle told me they were fine and that children are more resilient than us adults and to stop worrying. "and dont forget to look after yourself, they will hurt more if you dont". Wise words indeed. Yes, they adapted, sure they had their periods of sadness and we'd chat.

In terms of what "reason" you give? You dont need to be specific. Specific details wont benefit them, besides, really it's no one elses business but yours and your husband. I'm no expert on what to tell your kids but remember - nothing will satisfy their desire to reunite you both, so being too honest wont bring happiness. I do recall me telling my daughters "Dad and mum drifted apart girls, but we both love you like we have always loved you and you dont have to worry, dad will always be in your life." Vague but essentials mentioned.

"a brave face"? I recall 2 weeks after we split, picked up the kids and the young one in the back seat sucking her thumb "dad, we want to keep you". I had to stop the car and open the boot where I broke down. A couple of minutes I returned to drive off and played "I spy" to change the topic.

Guilt will not be your friend so I suggest removing it from your thoughts. I wrote a piece on that a long time ago.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

For such trauma your post is relatively short. If there is anything you need guidance on please repost, it is a difficult time. Finally as for "not shutting the door on him just yet" the decision is your entirely. Others, even us have opinions but its your relationship. 

TonyWK

[Juliet_84]

Hi Liz_ss,

Firstly, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it must be so hard when someone essentially forces your hand with their behaviour. I once read something that always stuck with me, children aren’t traumatized when they are hurt, they are traumatized when they are left alone with that hurt. You don’t need to tell them what their father has done, but try and speak with honesty - “mum and dad are having problems at the moment and we are trying to work them out. If parents can’t work things out, they sometimes get divorced - do you have any kids in your class whose parents are divorced”. Ie explain both of the options, normalize the situation (such as showing that it happened to a friend and they are ok), and let them talk through their fears. Of course if you’re not at that stage yet, then you can’t always feel free to omit this last part but it’s better to explain everything early so that they don’t run away with things in their head or it doesn’t come as such a huge shock if you eventually decide to head down that road. I was sick as a child and I had a mother who kept things  quiet as a way of protecting me; it did the opposite, it left me alone with my fear. I wasnt told anything so I thought I had cancer and was going to die. I wish I’d known the truth. I think transparency and trust over silence and fear wins every time. 

[geoff]

Hello Liz, it's always very sad when this happens, especially when you haveno idea of how long this has been going on for, and most assured you won't get a truthful answer, but you have to remember that as children develop, they learn so much by what's happening between the parents and pick up any behaviourally reactions and mood changes, so they know something isn't right between you and your husband.

You can try and make all the excuses in the world, but if this doesn't necessarily suit what you say, they will become more observant and start talking to their friends who may have been going through exactly the same and then possibly figure out what's happening.

I know you don't want them to find out, as a way of protecting them, but the reaction between you and your husband will let them know something is, especially if you decide to sleep in another bed.

This ia always heart-breaking and feel very sorry for you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Liz_ss]

Thank you all for your response and support. I guess we may have to tell our child that we are having difficulties but I don't want to say anything about divorce just yet. One of my parents is terminally ill and I am hoping to spare them finding out about this which is one of the reasons I am trying to keep up appearances. He has set up a couples counseling and says he's desperate to fix things but I don't know. I feel like if I stay part of me will die and I will always be sad. If I go, there will be part of both my child that will always be a bit sad. Not to mention the financial reality and that splitting would likely mean moving out of the area and a completely life 

[ecomama]

Dear Liz, I am so so sorry for what your going through at the moment. The turmoil of all your emotions because of the deep hurt and betrayal AND the grief of your parent being ill. It's a LOT. 

Your daughter already knows that a LOT is wrong. She sounds awesome and it's obvious that her wellbeing is the focus of your world. 

I was that little girl. (Sadly also I was the betrayed wife with children twice as well). 
My whole family must've discussed HOW they would move forward with this for me. I was 11yo, the eldest grandchild by 6y. They must have because the greatest gift was given to me about my Pop. Honesty. Then TIME with him. The most loving thing my grandfather did was to share the news of his illness with me. He went through every step of his treatment with me. 

I was able to grieve WITH my family. Talk about things, be included. Now that I'm a grand parent, I am SO grateful to my family for doing this for me. Those times I spent with him are sources of my greatest childhood memories, filled with JOY. We made every moment count. 

Consider this but please also call 1800RESPECT about how to move forward with 2 major issues for your daughter (we'll get to you, hugs!). 
1. how to handle things with her re: the infidelity and ensuing discord in your marriage. 
2. how to handle things with her re: your parent's illness. 

When talking with her about how she knows you're distressed. You can say "I know you know mum's really upset atm. Some times couples go through some REALLY hard stuff. This is adult stuff, not kid's stuff. When you grow up you may want to ask more questions but for now, all you need to know is that we love you more than anything and always will". Repeat. 
My adult kids are now asking the questions. I'm answering them honestly to how much I think they can cope. 
This happens around weekly now. 

Please consider a Counsellor just for you. They can be our greatest source of comfort, wisdom and CLARITY amidst the horrible betrayal, grief and anguish you're experiencing. 
We've got you too,
Love EM

[Liz_ss]

Thank you so much EM. I needed to hear much of that and yes, I should get help to navigate things with her best as we can.  My daughter knows her grandparent is sick and we spent some time visiting earlier this year. Ironically this gave my husband the opportunity he was looking for to start his affair from what he tells me and what I can confirm from credit card bills. It makes it all the more hurtful and hard to take. 

I do need to have the conversation with my daughter though that the illness is terminal and our next visit (soon) could be the last together.

I am sorry to hear about your experiences and thank you for sharing an experienced perspective.