I'm ruining my brand new marriage

[Eleanore1995]

I was married in February this year. It was the best day of my life but it has been a rocky time since for my new husband and I. See just after we got engaged, decided on a date and sent out the invites we both lost our jobs. We were forced to leave our home and move in with his Grandparents who live on the other side of the city, 1 hour away from anything for me as I don't drive. We've had massive money issues and wouldn't have had the wedding if it weren't for our family and friends that helped. I was thankful we even had the wedding at all.

Since then we are still having issues. Jobs on and off, he has now decided to quit his trade completely and is not succeeding in finding a new career. I feel we are both falling into a hole, every time something good happens or we feel like we're going ok something else happens.

Because of all this, my depression is at it's absolute worst. I am diagnosed with clinical depression and type 2 bipolar. My husband is not coping with me, he just doesn't seem to understand and I am really hard to get along with. I feel unloved and alone.

I've tried talking to him but my condition is making him down as well and we're fighting a lot. I know I need to change, but I can't leave him be. We used to be best friends, do everything together, go out together and just adventure to new places. Now every time I ask if he wants to do anything he says no.

I feel like I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere. We'll have a good day and then my big fat mouth will say something stupid, then we fight. I'm helpless at this point. How do I get him to understand? How do I stop relying on him for support? I obviously shouldn't be using him for support as it is affecting him badly.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Eleanore,

I think we all tend to focus on our needs and what we want, but it can be hard to realize that our partners may be struggling too and also have needs that may not be being met. You can only take out of a relationship what you have put in. Unfortunately you guys have been through some extremely tough times, both losing your jobs at the same time is very hard. Money is tight, and that takes a toll as “putting back in” to the relationship often means enjoying activities or experiences, and notbing is free these days.

Communication is important. So is making sure that your illness is managed correctly. You need to be kind to each other. And that means suppressing that negative talk. That will be easier to do once your illness is stabilized. But you can retrain yourself over time to stop with the negative talk. Like any team, you are only as good as your weakest member. But how you deal with adversity together will set the tone for your future.

[stormcloudz]

Hi Eleanor

Money worries put any relationship under strain, that's completely understandable that both of you are stressed out at the moment.

It's also not surprising that your depression is acting up. You aren't alone here, many of us on this forum will really understand.

Be gentle on yourself and your new hubby - you have both been through two big periods of transition - new marriage and job changes. Traditionally, both of these things are stressors. Both of you are likely to be finding things tough, in your own ways.

I think it's really smart to be thinking of extending your support network at this time. Your husband might not have many reserves of energy and patience at the moment given his own stress levels, so I agree that it would be great to try to offload a bit somewhere else.

This forum is a great place to start. There are plenty of other people here with BPD and depression who will relate. Some other thoughts on support options:

- the BeyondBlue and Lifeline call lines are great when you just need to vent and have a sympathetic ear

- do you already have a counsellor/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist? If not, that would be a a great move, and this forum can give tips if needed

- there are support groups around for people with BPD/depression, depending on where you live - these can be great if well run (you'll know if they are, and can easily back out if they arent)

- there are online support courses that are cost effective - for example google This Way Up (run by St Vincents Hospital) and have a look at the depression course

For the moment, I reckon take the pressure off yourself, don't try to be perfect, just build some extra supports into your life. They will stand you in good stead anyway.

What do you think? Do any of these sound like they could fit?

You have my warm welcome and best wishes : )