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I’m mid 40’s and starting again. But I don’t love myself

SR76
Community Member

Hello

This is a first for me signing onto online forums joining beyond blue but as I have struggled with forms of depression and anxiety for probably 25 years I find myself at 44 years of age certainly not down and out so I don’t want this to sound like a poor me story But I find myself without a lot of money renting a number of failed relationships behind me a number of failed employment situation is behind me in a job I don’t like hurting just enough money to pass each month by no friends and those that I do have keep me at very much arm’s-length just generally very unhappy with who I am what I’ve become and where I stand in life

part of me posting this on this Waze to hear from others that are in the same position I have been there before or know somebody that has to give myself an understanding as to what is that I’m feeling and how I can deal with it but also has a form of self reflection and putting it out there

I’ve started being more public about my battles with anxiety the fact that I’m on medication that I have sleep apnoea and self-worth concerned but the problem is like topics of racism and abuse most people don’t want to enter into the conversation don’t want to offer any advice or turn a blind eye because it’s easier then confronting real topics

i’ve started being more public about my battles with anxiety the fact that I’m on medication that I have sleep apnoea and self-worth concerns but the problem is like topics of racism and abuse most people don’t want to enter into the conversation don’t want to offer any advice will turn a blind eye because it’s easier than confronting real topics

On the flipside it’s also because people in my circles may not necessarily be as good friends to me as I would have thought and therefore don’t wish to offer any advice because they don’t see me as important enough in their life to do so

on the flipside it’s also because people in my circles may not necessarily be as good friends to me as I would have thought and therefore don’t wish to offer any advice because they don’t seem as important enough in their life to do so

but is that also being defeatist?

I have no direction no clear three-part no education formally I strive to be in relationships we love and connection is paramount find it hard to trust find it hard to let go of the past and most of all find it hard to live in the moment I need help

5 Replies 5

missep123
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi SR76,

Firstly, a huge warm welcome to the forums!

I think that you show so much insight and that people who relate to your story will not feel alone.

I think it is very brave and inspiring that you are beginning to become more open with your story.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

hi and welcome.

As missep123 said ... you have a good insight!

I found there people could be put into a wide range of categories when I started to speak about what I was going through. There were some who were quiet and said nothing. Otherwise made some comment that was not worth the effort. Others were supportive etc. And everything in between. Perhaps one of the issues is that people do not really know how the respond and those with a lived condition have a greater understanding. Also, the people in that first group who say nothing can also be listening and learning. I was talking to one person a long time ago who said nothing. I asked "do you have anything to say". The reply I got was "I am just trying to understand" or words to that effect. Even though there was no reply, he was at least listening.

You also mentioned "sound like a poor me story" ... I have said my situation is a first world problem compared to others. Others here also told me that it does not matter what the issues are, that when you feel low or down or whatever we are the similar. (Btw. my feelings or worthlessness started with an email!) I feel like a fake if happy.

Talking about where you are at, your thoughts, feelings, issues, etc can also give you different perspectives on your situation, whether through your own reflection, or comments from others or ...

I guess my question to you is...what do you want to do? Is it a case of accepting yourself? You are not doing what you want? Wanting an education? (Which by the way is not necessarily a be all and end all) Do you compare yourself to others?

These are just questions I am throwing out there. You don't have to answer them here if you do not want to. I am interested though in hearing more of your story.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

I agree with missep you SR76 has much insight into your past and plans for your furture.

welcome SR76. I changed my life in my late 40s then again my mid my early 5Os.

it is hard but I ended up with the being self employed which I loved, left a chaotic relationship and started a new relationship.

Just knowing you want change and follow your instincts is a good plan. I always wanted my own shop and it took a while but it happened.
there is a thread Do you like yourself you may want to have a look it.

you are curious, eager and self aware , you are on your way.
post here as much as you like. There is support and understanding here.

quirky

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi SR76

Welcome too! and for having the courage to speak from the heart as well as you have in your opening post

You mentioned 'I’ve started being more public about my battles with anxiety the fact that I’m on medication that I have sleep apnoea and self-worth concerned' I have also re-booted my life many times...and yes its hard work!

I also started being more 'public' about my battles with anxiety/depression and that I have been on medication as well....except it took me a few months to get the courage to do so back in 2016 when I joined....I didnt have your strength. I really hope you can stick around the forums..only if and when you wish of course 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

missep123
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi SR76,

I hope that you have been finding comfort in these forums. I wanted to check in on you and see how you were doing.

I also think that for myself life is like a book. There are many different chapters, some good and some bad but ultimately they help us grow and are a part of our journey.