Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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elevatormusic84 Struggling with parenthood...
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I love my 15 month old to bits but parenthood has really obliterated my enjoyment of life. Every day and every little thing is a struggle - the paediatrician has observed that she is what he terms as 'high needs' - which in baby terms, generally mean... View more

I love my 15 month old to bits but parenthood has really obliterated my enjoyment of life. Every day and every little thing is a struggle - the paediatrician has observed that she is what he terms as 'high needs' - which in baby terms, generally means an otherwise'normal' baby that is more demanding and sensitive than the average. I'm merely surviving through the days - it's chaos trying to change her, dress her, take her anywhere...she won't sit in her pram and will twist and scream until I'm carrying her in one arm and pushing an empty pram with the other. Similar scenario with the car seat, the high chair... I see people with 2, 3 or 4 kids and I think - I'm missing something or doing something wrong because if people are signing up for this multiple times, there must be something about parenthood they really love. I don't know if I'm depressed or just exhausted...I don't really know how to maintain a positive mood when each and every day is spent in damage control. The tantrums just leave me feeling blank at this point. Sorry for the vent...I just needed to put it out there because it's getting to the point that I dread each day.

Blk77 Separation??
  • replies: 3

My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 10. We dated in high school and reconnected in our 30’s. He lived a couple of hours away and because of his situation with his children I moved to be with him. We both have children from previ... View more

My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 10. We dated in high school and reconnected in our 30’s. He lived a couple of hours away and because of his situation with his children I moved to be with him. We both have children from previous relationships and one child together. Raising stepchildren has been hard but rewarding as well. Both have felt that the other could have done better at times and there is blame and regret involved. 6 years ago we bought a house with his sister. I did not want to do this and tried very hard to talk him out of it. This situation did not end well and neither of us speak to his sister anymore. We sold the house and had planned to buy another on our own. As his children are older (youngest turns 18 in Feb) I had asked to move back up the coast where my family was and I thought he agreed to do this. He denied that this was ever his intention. I agreed to stay where we were but was full of resentment. (He never wanted to move away from his children as his own father moved away when he was young and he felt abandoned). This said, he saw his kids once a month at best and they lived with their mother full time. We started looking at houses to buy together but he soon got cold feet saying he wasn’t ready to buy again and wanted to rent for another 6 months as he didn’t feel the relationship was strong enough. I agreed but again resentfully. He didn’t put effort into trying to repair the relationship but just withdrew from me and the household. He ended the relationship just before Christmas and I have moved 2 hours back up the Coast. A week later I went down to help clean the rental house and he asked if we could have a break rather than ending the relationship and that once he sorted himself out he would move up to be with me. I agreed as I would like to still be together and I think we still have a future. There are no other parties involved ie no cheating and neither of us wants to have another relationship. I have asked him for a time frame and to set the rules for a separation but so far he hasn’t done this. He has been coming up on the weekend and being great but it is hard when he leaves. He works full-time and barely communicates during the week which leaves me upset and anxious. The children and I are living with my mother and I’m not coping all that well. I feel like I’m in limbo and not sure whether to trust that we can rebuild the relationship or whether to just get on with life as if I’m single.

bramble116 Depression is ruining my relationship - do I not deserve one until I'm 'better'?
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Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I'm looking for some advice or maybe just kindness. Some background information: I'm 23F and have suffered bouts of depression and anxiety since I was 18 or so. I think I might also have BPD but this is undiag... View more

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I'm looking for some advice or maybe just kindness. Some background information: I'm 23F and have suffered bouts of depression and anxiety since I was 18 or so. I think I might also have BPD but this is undiagnosed. I struggle with abandonment issues, poor self-esteem, emotional dysregulation. Over this summer I'm dealing in particular with the stress of trying to build my career, and the suicide of my first partner who I dated as a teenager. I was seeing a psychologist last year but am currently facing financial difficulties which make it difficult to access regular help. My current partner (30M) and I have been together about 5 years. There are times when the relationship feels supportive and caring. But things have been tumultuous when I've raised that certain needs aren't being met and he grows angry and defensive. The main issues are his poor communication skills - he's often away and only wants to talk on his terms of convenience (won't call or msg for days, calls me clingy if I object). Another issue is that we're both facing potentially big moves next year but he refuses to talk about long-term commitment, planning our futures, marriage or even moving in together. The latest issue is that our sex life has become very poor where it didn't use to be - for the past year we've had sex maybe once every 2-3 weeks and only when I ask first after a dry spell. When it happens, it's in the middle of the night in the dark. If I try to talk about sex while he's away, he ignores the msgs and calls me insecure if I object. He returned from a 5-week trip a week ago but hasn't even touched me. None of this used to be a problem. I brought this all up today as kindly/calmly as I could and it backfired. He's often suggested that my depression is the root cause of all issues and compares me to his 'happier, more uplifting' exes, but today he told me outright that depression is the reason he doesn't want to have sex, or talk about the future, or communicate when we're apart. "The problem is you; your sadness and negativity". He said sex is a chore and dealing with my depression is a job and I should stop playing the victim card. Am I truly undeserving of a relationship, love, sex, commitment until I'm no longer depressed? I've always been acutely conscious of being a burden. But I feel like depression robbed me of so much. It took so much away from me, held me back from so many things. Does that include this relationship?

Cbiscuit Feeling judged for supporting unemployed partner
  • replies: 4

My partner and I have been together for nearly 11 years. My partner has always suffered from severe depression since he was a child. He had a bad breakdown early in our relationship and has not really held down a job since. This has been due to a ran... View more

My partner and I have been together for nearly 11 years. My partner has always suffered from severe depression since he was a child. He had a bad breakdown early in our relationship and has not really held down a job since. This has been due to a range of factors, however it primarily relates to his physical and mental illnesses. He has started three courses of study but has been unable to complete them. Each time, it has been a struggle. I get my hopes up seeing him get his confidence up, and then things slowly fall apart. At times it has been easier to accept that he will be unable to work. He has been working really hard recently with a therapist and on his physical health, and has been in a work placement for the qualification he is currently working on. Although he has had to defer the course several times, and has struggled with reliability in his placement hours, he has tried so hard. This morning the host organisation cancelled his placement as he has not completed enough hours to continue. I want to continue to support him in finding a new placement and making sure he can get his qualification, but am feeling so down about it all. I love him and our relationship is so good in so many ways. We share all the same values and talk constantly. However, I feel as if others want me to give up on him, and that I should leave him, purely because he has not been able to work or finish a degree. I don't want to and have no intention of leaving but the pressure feels unbearable at times. I am ashamed to say that it affects my desire to tell others about the struggles we have, and this makes me feel so alone. I don't want to burden him, though he understands his problems affect me too and tries to make space for my feelings. I feel so lost and alone right now.

Mr K Accepting that separation from wife is a matter of when and not will, what are my first/next steps, I have two young children that I cherish.
  • replies: 55

After a long time of fluctuating between hopelessness and hope I've finally started the process of accepting that my marriage is over and separation is only a matter of when not if. I don't know where to start though, I've been so reliant on my wife ... View more

After a long time of fluctuating between hopelessness and hope I've finally started the process of accepting that my marriage is over and separation is only a matter of when not if. I don't know where to start though, I've been so reliant on my wife for years that I don't know how to manage money, super, tax etc. Never mind how do I tell my beautiful children? How will I cope with being a single Dad hopefully with at least shared custody. How the hell do I manage working full time and dropping kids at school and day care it seems impossible and terribly hard on the children. I'm so time poor whereas my wife only works two days each week and has had a much longer time to process this stuff. I don't even have family here in Australia as I'm a permanent resident, does that status make a difference? I don't know where to start and I desperately want to do the best thing for my little girls. I earn a decent wage but i'm completely naive about how Super works, my wife has always taken care of stuff like that and I never dreamed we would separate. I know other people cope and hope that some informed advice will help me process this nightmare. I've told my parents which was very difficult and a huge step in accepting things but being overseas they are unable to help. How do I get through this and minimise any harm to my kids. I'm 45yo but feel like a lost child myself.

Just_me85 Help about Child Custody and Separation
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Please help me with my situation. I need to know what to do. I am an Asian and I don't have any family here. I want to leave my husband because I had enough of all the stress that he cause to me and our kids. We bith sleep in a different room and nev... View more

Please help me with my situation. I need to know what to do. I am an Asian and I don't have any family here. I want to leave my husband because I had enough of all the stress that he cause to me and our kids. We bith sleep in a different room and never had sex since January. Everytime I talk to him about our relationship problem he is always says he is busy or he is tired from work. If I said I want seperation he always says I can leave anytime I want but I'm not allowed to take our kids. I want to make the seperation properly like child custody and stuff like that. I don't care about the child support, money or anything from him, I just want my kids, my happiness and my freedom.

Realityunknown Online spending
  • replies: 2

I’m a mother of 2, and have been in a relationship going on 11 years and both first relationship and we fell pregnant with 1st daughter 3 months in. I have for some time considered he is Narcissistic, as soon as I was pregnant he changed. I cook, cle... View more

I’m a mother of 2, and have been in a relationship going on 11 years and both first relationship and we fell pregnant with 1st daughter 3 months in. I have for some time considered he is Narcissistic, as soon as I was pregnant he changed. I cook, clean, do the laundry and do all the driving(he does not drive never tried to/wanted to). Without recognition. We have had past issues that led to Him having regular outburst that were quite extreme and lasted with days of what I can only describe as absolute emotional and psychological torment. Made me feel like I was going crazy. For the past 3 years he has been at his best in regards to no more extreme outbursts this is due to me separating from him for 6 months. Still has moods but sorts it himself Until 4 months ago, he has his online game That he puts money on, use to be $150 a month. But it now becoming numerous times in a week, he is competing with people who are spending tens of thousands of dollars, but it is all about being the strongest and toughest and this game is consuming his life, you cannot talk to him when he is on his game as he does not even notice you. He has two others he knows in his life that play it too, one who does not spend and the other who does but can afford to do so. It usually goes like this he will buy one deal worth the $150 and he will be happy for a while but he will start sending me screen shot pictures of these other deals and saying “if you love me you would buy it” but still making it as a joke and usually will use and comments like “if we can’t that’s fine”. But when I don’t and he knows we have some money left, he will Start to get moody and make remarks like ”I’ll have to just spend more now ” or ” dont complain when all my pay Has gone on the game because I have to catch up to others. etc. if I question him too much about his spending and all the bills we have to pay he turns it on me saying I’m acting crazy and that he said if we didn’t have it not to worry. then completely ignores me with a silent treatment with my responses, turns things on me, constantly messages me, then goes of topic with something else and accuses me of Other things. starts saying I do more for everyone else and not enough for our family. I wake up to him saying things throughout the night about me. He does not see he is doing anything wrong. He says others can drink alcohol or buy caravans why can’t he spend money on his game if he enjoys it. what can I do??? Any advice?

Missunderstood_01 I need some advice.
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Ive been in this relationship for 4 years now. We moved up to the country when my partner lost his job and my family couldnt help but his dad could. So we moved in with him. It was only suposed to be for a few months this till we both got work and co... View more

Ive been in this relationship for 4 years now. We moved up to the country when my partner lost his job and my family couldnt help but his dad could. So we moved in with him. It was only suposed to be for a few months this till we both got work and could find our own place. I got fulltime work and he could not. So he was on the dole untill recently. This was then nearly a year and a half. We needed to move out of his fathers rental as it was being sold. I figured we would find our own place but he said his dad couldnt afford to live on his own. I didnt want him to come along but he begged and i agreed. Weve all signed into a two year lease and he keeps promising his dad will travel and go and we can be left alone. This changes every so often to he has to stay because he is to old to look after himself and he is too depressed. This id a man that only now after years of crime, alchole abuse and dug abuse thats decided to somehwat take care of himself. I grt it's his father but i didn't sign up to have him around 24/7 because he abuses smoke all the time he wont have anyone around to look after him. Ive tried to get along and ive tried to be ok with it but my biggest problem is, I'm in this relationship with his son not him. I want his son my partner around. I cant be myself with someones parent around 24/7. Hell i can't even do anything without it being wrong becauae its not what he would do. His dad dispite knowing how i feel wont leave. Threatens too when we ague but wont leave. Ive even asked if i could move out into my own place but if i do that then he says i dont care or love him and just want to leave. We argue so much money is tight and even harder to watch when he goes out of his way to pay for stuff for his dad then has the nerve to tell me off if i dont have money to contribute more. I know its his dad i get that but why csnt he do this in his own home? I'm so upset all the time and i hate coming home because i know ill see him and hes always running around doing shit for him. I just want to know if I'm overeacting or if what im feeling it ok.

Clare72 Alcoholic son
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Don't know if I am in the right area but my son who is 50 is an alcoholic. He lives with us and causes us such stress as he calls us all sorts of names. He has not been violent but can be very abusive. We took him in several years ago after his wife ... View more

Don't know if I am in the right area but my son who is 50 is an alcoholic. He lives with us and causes us such stress as he calls us all sorts of names. He has not been violent but can be very abusive. We took him in several years ago after his wife left him and he had no where to go. I have asked many times for him to leave but he just ignores me. He has been having treatment for PTS for many years but there has been no improvement. The doctor just keeps giving him more and more heavy drugs. I don't know what to do.

Nikkibear He doesn’t understand
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Both my partner and I suffer from anxiety and depression and work in progressions that deal with mental health. a few weeks ago I told my partner that I have been feeling suicidal again which I didn’t want to do because I don’t want extra attention f... View more

Both my partner and I suffer from anxiety and depression and work in progressions that deal with mental health. a few weeks ago I told my partner that I have been feeling suicidal again which I didn’t want to do because I don’t want extra attention from him, I just want to be me. He has been asking me how I feel since and my responses have been “ok” or “good” he keeps reacting to this as me keeping my feelings inside. I tried to explain to him that me being ok is me actually being ok because I’m alive today. I feel like the best I can be is alive right now. We have also been fighting heaps and he keeps throwing it in my face that I am not fighting for us anymore. I told him I have no fight in me for anything at the moment. I love him and no doubt I am pushing him away because right now I don’t want to be alive let alone fight to be alive. I just want him to be there and be normal. Why can’t he give me that! It takes a lot for me to open up. Maybe I need to let him walk away so he doesn’t have to deal with my depression. I always feel like it’s not ok for me not be ok when I am around him.