husband is demanding controlling and doesn’t help much with kids.
So my husband works away, whilst away we get on great we communicate each day etc.
when he is home, he is on rnr. That’s his words, so I agree have a day maybe 2 to just catch up on sleep or rest whatever. He sees looking after our children as babysitting. He has to be nagged to help with his kids. He doesn’t help around the house when he’s home, I would ask to do dishes or Vac just one thing whilst I work.
He doesn’t have the kids whilst I work he refuses to and won’t pickup or dropoff to school the eldest.
he has said that when he’s home I shouldn’t be out and about for say one night for a coffee at my friends or even a dinner etc because why should he look after the kids whilst I’m out I should do that whilst he’s working away.
he should just take the keys off me and I should ask for them to go out.
I “only” work part time as with multiple kids it wasn’t financially effective for me to return fulltime and he knows this he was part of that decision.
we all live a life of luxury here apparently also his words this is not the case he knows I’m working, being Mum and running the house I’m an introvert so even going out for a night out would be maybe once in 3 months and it has been very rarely when he has been home it’s been a friends important birthday etc
This is just so against everything I believe in, I always say I won’t have my kids grow up this way they are to share house work and parental responsibilities I don’t want them thinking this is normal or ok.
where do I go next?
Hello Wings, and good morning.
The reason you and your husband get on so well while he is away is that he doesn't have any responsibilities and required to look after the kids, but as soon as he's home the situation changes.
When the two of you disagree on family duties, one person becomes more dominant than the other, and as soon as this happens you become upset when he is too restrictive, and by mentioning 'that's how his parents brought him up', doesn't carry much basis, because generations change, just as the circumstances do.
Raising children is a 24/7 duty and can even extend when they leave home and by him wanting you to ask for the keys is not a pleasant marriage.
Do you have friends who have an equal and well balanced marriage/relationship that you could use as an example?
Your frustration and disappointment come across so clearly in your words and, from one mum to another, I really feel for you.
I've said to my husband on several occasions 'This is going to come back to bite you, big time (not having a lot to do with the kids)'. The primary carer comes to know their kids pretty well, as they raise them through life in a lot of unique ways. They raise them to discover the best in themselves, to help them master overcoming challenges and to know what active love looks and feels like. Active love is a biggy in my book. Sometimes it's not enough to simply say 'I love you'; actively loving someone to life has a profound impact. Being present in an emotional and physical sense in regard to what you say and do is what helps create progress and fond memories in relationships. A child may eventually reach the conclusion, especially in your case 'My mum actively loves me, whereas my dad doesn't appear to, when he's home. He's raises me through financial opportunities but that's about it, as far as I can tell'.
Sounds like your husband is missing out big time: We don't simply raise our kids, they raise us too. Through their example, they remind us to question everything that appears questionable. They remind us to seek adventure (new ventures to add to life). They remind us that life is about learning as we go and adapting to the challenges we face. It's a long list, regarding how they raise us. It goes on and on. Our kids are amazing people.
If your husband doesn't want to get to know the kids, there's a possibility that he's simply happy not changing. It's easy not to change, takes no great effort a lot of the time. People can just go through a routine that suits them while those around them adapt to serve. It can do your head in. Now, I'm assuming you do a fair bit to adapt to meeting your husband's needs and I'm not meaning to stir up trouble when I ask 'Why?' Some food for thought perhaps. It's one thing to express your appreciation in a number of ways for the work he does to generate a large part of the income but going above and beyond is definitely worth questioning.
I wonder how your husband would respond if you were to pose 'You have a chance to turn to your kids when you are home but you choose not to. Through your inaction, you send the message to them that they cannot turn to you. You are not their babysitter, you are the man who is raising them'.