I hate myself
So I’ve been internally struggling with this for awhile and I think I need help.
I’m all over the place emotionally and it’s physically taking its toll. I’m not even sure how to put my thoughts down on paper, for lack of a better term.
I’m a mess about my relationship with my boyfriend. He’s my first and we are still navigating this thing together.
Our relationship has been (I don’t even know the word) from the start;
Our mutual (now ex-) friend acted like a go between as if we were teenagers.
I found out they were planning things behind my back.
That same ‘friend’ involved herself in our relationship to an uncomfortable degree and ended up involving my sister too.
Our relationship caused issues with that ‘friend’ and her husband, also a (now ex) friend.
We had a lot of stress and anxiety due to a pre-planned overseas holiday with said ‘friends’.
He helped pay for a chunk of the trip for me as did my parents (this is a very long story).
I was incredibly emotional on the trip and had several breakdowns, one of which involved me sleeping for most of a day.
I’m still emotional and seem to get upset about anything and everything. I’ve gone through stages of crying after talking to him on the phone, of not wanting him to touch me and when he is visiting of wanting him to go home.
I’m sick of feeling this way and have had thoughts of breaking up with him so I don’t have to.
I love him and hate myself for feeling this way, for wanting to break up with him, for being a wreck. I just hate myself.
Girl/boy, I'm sorry that you are yet to receive a reply to this post. Perhaps something got caught in a moderator's inbox. That sounds really, really hard.
I'm not a counsellor and I don't know about your history, but it does sound to me like you are finding things overwhelming (totally normal) and I think you should give yourself a break! Don't beat yourself up about what has happened. It's ok. You did the best you could at the time.
Relationships and intimacy are hard when you have ambivalent feelings about yourself. I can understand from experience how that can spiral into feeling even more down on yourself. Where can you go to get a break from this - a therapist, a cool family member or friend?
I am often someone who ruminates on 'bad' things they have done, which is very common for those prone to anxiety and depression, and when I need to get a break I try some counselling, a distraction like family or friends (which is obviously a bit trickier right now), or my fail safe, lots of exercise.
Does it make my problem go away? No, but it gives me headspace to feel stronger to work on it in a positive and loving way.
Wishing you all the best tonight and beyond.