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I'm being involuntarily written out of existence

Hugoosey
Community Member

Helloo? you dont have to read the whole thing(no pressure)

I'm 23 and don't know where to start and the only reason I'm doing the whole beyond blue thingy is because lately I feel so terrible, well to be honest its up and down, kinda like being flipped about. Well I've always kinda felt I had something wrong with my brain or something like I might be mildly aspergers or just kinda stupid but i find it near impossible to connect or relate to people anymore, even reading the forums briefly I couldn't really relate to anything. Its so hard writing this stuff because words are so limited when it comes to true expression, but yeah I barely feel like a full person anymore, mainly due to my life not playing out like many peoples, for example I've never been to any parties in high school or even had any partners and people never ever seem take an interest in me or my life when I usually go out of my way to ask them about theirs..this is all too whiny but sometimes I get annoyed at how people have all this stuff like friends, romances and opportunities that fall into their laps and it honestly seems like they arent even trying to get these things, its kinda like I'm not allowed to be a full human being and the rest of you are able to have these things.

Its just irritating and its starting to look as if there might not be any hope, I mean people don't even acknowledge my presence anymore which might not make sense to you but its true, oh yeah the point I almost forgot which is funny cause its the a main reason and that is this decade(the 2010's) sucks arse and is totally boring and makes me want to give up on hope. People are strange in this era we live in with the smartphones and technology I find super boring, I just want the good old nokia days back(I still use a nokia) everyone seems really depresso nowadays I mean even my university lecturer asked the class why they looked so glum...I mean whats up with that? I have a sneaking suspicion this era is making everyone lonely/sad(not the whole reason obviously), I'm just stating the truth of this crap era with live in...I hate it and its taking all the atmosphere away that used to be plentiful in the past.

doubt you've read this far, people dont usually take me seriously or think I feel this bad but honestly most of the time I wish there was a big red button I could hit and it would just erase me instantly.

wow that was fun right? Look forward to your reply(wanted to say a bit more but the dang word limit)

18 Replies 18

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Hugoosey, welcome to the forums.

There's a thread below you might like to read through and participate in:

Sexual health and the idea of never having a partner

Don't be put off by the title, the discussion is quite wide-ranging and touches on a number of the themes you've brought up in your original post.

IsaJett
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi hugoosey

thanks for writing and I enjoyed reading what you posted 🙂

it is a weird era for sure I must agree ..just all cyberspace ..even when everyone is in a room ..they r all somewhere else on their individual phones .

Have you ever thought that you could just be an introvert instead of an extrovert ?

i recently met a friend that was introverted and it’s brilliant as he is such a homebody and doesn’t really care to get caught up in what society expects of him . I have since learned that I too am an introvert . I don’t really need to socialise ...don’t really need a partner ..don’t really have to do what society expects me to do . I just do what I enjoy . Exercise ..walk in the park ..read ..volunteer ..work . I tend to keep it simple and it works for me .

Im not sure if this could help you because I remember not fitting the “ picture” of what society sees of me. They be like ...oh u don’t have a partner ? And looks at me like I’m a weirdo . And I am not a weirdo ..I can socialise well but I choose only to do what I want and that for some people is hard to grapple ...that I like to keep to myself .

and btw Nokia is so fine ...one of the best phone I have used .hahaha

most people I believe and I am generalising ...are afraid to be alone ...but it’s completely fine

not everyone has to date ..not everyone has to find a partner ,,fill the void ...get married ..get kids ...it’s not for everyone . Just do what is right and feels right for you ..and enjoy life ...be it dance ...read a book ...trek the mountains .

keep writing ..as I have enjoyed your post as it reminds me to embrace my individuality and that you should too . know that you are unique and special and it’s perfectly A ok .

keep smiling 🙂 and please write soon

baet123
Community Member

Hi Hugoosey,

That dang word limit gets me every time too 😄

Welcome to the forums mate and really brave of you to tell us about your situation and we thank you. Hats off to you! By the way, what are you studying if you don't mind me asking?

Sorry to hear your going through a rough time at present, however, I think its important to realise that what your feeling is quite normal and everybody and I mean EVERYBODY has their ups and downs. You seem like a very likeable person and quite intellectual. You say you words are so limited but you have provided us with a great, detailed insight and that isn't an easy feat to accomplish.

As for things like friends, romances, parties, partners and the like, it will come mate. You are 23, still extremely young with your whole life again. Some people are early bloomers and enjoy these things earlier in life but it will come. Have you tried to proactively engage and interact with other people and increase your social network?

Here are some things you might want to look into:

- Increase your social network. At university there are so many ways to meet new people for example social clubs you can join where you will meet others who share common interests. Try visiting your student hub and asking them what societies are available at university to join. I am in a few societies at my university and it is a great way to meet new people etc.

- If you use facebook, there are plenty of groups you can join that will contain like minded people who share similar interests and hobbies and this might be a way for you to improve your social life 🙂

People do take you seriously although it might not seem like it a lot of the time. We take what you are saying seriously and care for what you have to say mate.

You have a lot to give and your whole life ahead of you. I can tell your extremely intelligent, resilient, educated, funny and a decent human being and these are all amazing traits to have. Your time will come and I sense a change is around the corner.

Stay strong and positive although it may be hard at time.

I await your reply and I hope this helped.

All the best and enjoy your mid-semester break which should be approaching.

Baet123

Hugoosey
Community Member

thanks for replying, you're ever so nice

just studying a visual arts degree, nearly at the end which is grood, I just want to do nothing for a while, well worka bit on the side but yeah, what about you, what do you do as a super crazy passion? do you study?

I know that other people have issues and stuff too, I'm aware trust me I usually have to remain mentally sturdy for the few people I know who are a bit wacky. Its just this ever persisting sensation I have of seeing humanity through from a large distance as I try to push against the glass and journey inside but Its like I'm denied entry into earth by some unknown omnipotent being that wants me to be isolated forever. I have nothing in common with people I meet really and we never really "click" or anything so I dont see the point of forging a friendship with somebody who I dont really dig(just being logical).

yeah I have tried talking to people a little bit but nothing ever leads anywhere and after years of this and me having to initiate everything I sorta just give up a bit, it honestly feels like nobody is actually interested in me or anything, could be wrong but I really get that impression. Dont use facebook it annoys me.. I suppose I could try to do a club thingy but I'm so close to finishing uni that Its redundant to try that, besides people my age seem like fake idiots(solid 75%) to me, they just go with whatevas hip n happenin yo!(full on sarcasm) and I'm too conscious to go along with the mass brainwashing...not that they are bad people in their hearts but its just that I need to meet people who have a strong sense of self.

Honestly if the year was 2000 right now for example I wouldent have as many of these problems, this era has made everything really lame and uncool, I never have anything to look forward to because I hate 2010s era entertainment with a strong passion, I just wish I was about 55 now so that even though this time sucks I could say "at least I got some good decades in before this" being 23 in this time period is the worst nightmare imaginable for me.

thanks for saying I'm resilient, I mean you gotta be to combat this specific circumstance. You're very lovely for bothering to message back though so thankyoo very much I do very much appreciate you taking the time out of your day, I'll just take your advice and just keep being strong because so far its "kinda" been working for me, sort of a patch job but its at least its something.

you stay resilient too please, cheers


Hi hugoosey...I totally understand how u feel...I feel invisible a lot of the time ...I often wonder if some people actually know my name!? Like the other day someone I've worked with for over 10years called me by my name and I was chuffed ...then I realised I'd put my new bright big shiny name tag on for the first time that day....As far as forming friendships go I've learnt that most of us find it hard to initiate creating a friendship...we put up barriers before we even try...just by thinking that a person would not want to be friends with us or that we are not interesting or not worth knowing or don't have the energy to work on relationships. I'm sure once u join the work force u will find it easier ...often we work with people who share things in common ...in my early 20s I had pretty much no friends but I'm in my late 30s now and my closest friends are the people I work with ...it will happen eventually. U will find ur little niche I'm sure ...until then just keep trucking ...and read a my favourite piece of prose "desiderata" ...when I'm feeling blue it really puts things in perspective. I'm going to read it right now

baet123
Community Member

Hey Hugoosey,

Thank you for your kind words, much appreciated mate. It was a pleasure to reply to your post and to read a bit about your situation. I am extremely happy to hear that you are making a concerted effort to stay strong and that is really important or at least it was for me when I went through some tough times.

Visual arts hey? That is awesome. Are you creative? I wish I was more creative but I just am not LOL. What type of field do you wish to get into once you finish?

I too am nearing the end of my degree. I am 25 and I am a fourth year B of Social Work student on my final 200 hours (1000 required in total) so the end is in sight lol. My main passions/hobbies in life are helping people, listening to metal, playing video games, golf, basketball and just enjoying life 🙂

Most of my favourite bands/artists are from the late 1990's / early 2000's so I can relate to much of what you are saying.

You say you don't have anything in common with the people you meet but you have many things in common with me and many people on this site and millions of people around the globe. Trust me!

You keep being your awesome self and things will manifest organically. You have a great attitude and it seems like you have so much to give and would be a pleasure to be around. Keep up the good work mate and good things are around the corner mate!

I must sleep now, have work placement tomorrow and then class so I look forward to reading your reply tomorrow or whenever you feel like replying.

Speak soon mate.

Baet123

Hugoosey
Community Member

Hey thankyou for replying and reading,

yeah cyberspace stinks I dont like what its done to human behaviour, I'm a 21st century primitive man who wants the world to have no internet at all and people to go back to being normal, its just making us distanced from eachother. I'd rather be in the 60s right now to be honest.

I dont know if either an introvert or extravert I just think I'm some demented lifeform who cant relate or connect to other people. Might sound dumb but living is really bothersome I often feel like when I'm talking to someone my brain just takes a break and wanders off. Thats great you've learned to work with living a more lonesome lifestyle(no offence meant) and doing what you enjoy, what do you enjoy doing by the way? whats your favourite thing to do?, I think I've mastered doing what I enjoy because creating art keeps me steady and sturdy in my brain but I havent learnt to master the lonesome lifestyle like you, mainly because I dont like it very much and I want to have a life full of people who consider me an essential and unforgettable component to their own lives, might sound egotistical but what I mean is that I once had a great uncle who was my favourite and he had truckloads of people who found him amazing and he was amazing and funny and everyone wanted to be around him all the time, I wish I could be somebody who meant something to people on such a grand level as he, surely everybody would love to be needed on such a level.. or is it just me being an ego maniac?(maybe a little)

trust me I dont care what people think of me either, Its great you dont too, its funny how self conscious people are of the smallest things. Its funny cause in the minds of those who you think are judging you, you realise that those peoples minds arent focused on you but most likely wrapped up in their own boring nonsense. The nokia is brilliant, as a 21st century primitive man I try to fight against the creepy technology world we live in, at one point in history even as recent as the 2000's tech was a mere garnish that people sparingly used in their lives but in the 2010s it became a main course and now people live in the internet world all day/everyday, da NET is not even a real or tangible thing at all, just this grand illusion.

trust me I know theres more to life than relationships but it would be nice if I could just have ONE and then after that it wouldent annoy me as much. Any advice on getting chicks BRO?(kidding)

thanks for listening, cheers

Hello,

Thankyou for the link I sort of related to a few points on their mainly the part where the guy said hes feels like hes never going to have a partner ever, still kinda cathartic to read someone with a kinda similar issue.

Cheers

Howdy thanks for replying

That invisible thing I am way too familiar with, often I walk around and feel like a spooky ghost or ghoul and I never get any romantic attention from anyone either which is totally lame. But yeah does it ever feel like to you that people just have zero interest in eachother? I could be wrong but it seems like its impossible to break into the bubble of others and that definitely plays into those barriers you mentioned, I suppose the barriers are there out of fear? what do you think? Yeah I agree with you about the working thing my dad says the same thing strangely enough but I mean the odds are I gotta at least meet one person there? I mean I have an alright mood compared to yesterday so I'm feeling what you're saying but I probably wont be this positive tomorrow, its just up and down like a really boring rollercoaster.

Its good to know you also had a difficult time in your 20's, it always seems that everyone else is constantly having all these good things happen to them while I'm just kicking about the house in my undies.. its sad and true but like you said it'll have to eventually get better even if my dum dum brain doesn't even realise it yet, I suppose our owns minds arent always the best source of factual information. Thanks for being a temporary second brain for me. Tell me more about that prose you mentioned, I mean I could google it but I'd rather have your more personal/intimate perspective on it.

Thanks for listening, look forward to your reply, cheers