I’m always in the wrong

[Anon43]

I honestly don’t know why I keep being wrong. Partner is angry my parents are helping me and our kids with a financial contribution to an upgraded car. The car I drive is very old and neither reliable or safe any more. He believes the money should be going to him because it would make up the shortfall in what he earns and what I earn. I come from a very close family where we have always looked out for us. He is from a separated family where he doesn’t talk to his brother or dad and treats his mum awful with the way he belittles and berates her. She laughs it off like he is making a joke. We communicated on the car situation and he showed very little interest in being part of it and helping with advice. We have been talking about it since August last year where he said after a holiday he would help me and offered to help financially. That never eventuated and when I was quoted $7-8k for repairs for a car worth half that I said to him it would need to happen soon as I was worried it would breakdown when the kids were with me. He now wants to be reimbursed the amount they are gifting me for the car because he believes it’s owed to him. If you’ve read this far thank you, I don’t really know what I want out of this just I needed to get it off my chest

[Summer Rose]

Hi Anon43

I hope that posting here has helped you to get things off your chest.

In my opinion, you are not wrong. You obviously need a new car for sound reasons and your parents are obviously able and willing to help, which is great.

Sounds to me like your partner is jealous. Perhaps because you earn more than him or because you come from a supportive family or because he has no control over the gifted money or perhaps a bit of everything.

Hand on heart, neither you nor your parents owe him anything. 
Your husband has already received his gift because he no longer has to contribute to the cost of car upgrade.

Must be very frustrating for you. So sorry that he’s giving you grief over this.

Kind thoughts to you

[KTOCD]

Hi Anon43,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like a really tricky situation...it actually sounds very frustrating for you. Has your partner always been this way about money?  You don't owe him anything. You really don't. You need to put your safety and the safety of your children first and if that means spending money on a car, that is what it means. 

To be really honest, it sounds as though your partner may have some issues they need to work on. It is not something you can do for him. He needs to be ready to sort his stuff out. Maybe you need to think about what you want for your future and how to get there. Relationships are hard. Make sure you are both on the same page or working towards it. 

You deserve to be happy! 🙂 

Thanks again for sharing

K

[Anon43]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I thought jealousy might be part of it, my family is very close and my parents have helped us out financially before. He even said when we had our first child it was the grandparents responsibility to pay for schooling for their grandchildren. I can’t work out how he got this thought because I know his grandparents didn’t do that for him. We earn similar but he does get performance based bonuses which in recent years have been pretty big, I’ve never asked for nor expected his money. Even while on maternity leave with our second he wouldn’t help support me. My parents would often help me and kids out. He is of the opinion that it’s his money and anything I earn is family money. 

[Anon43]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I believe it could be different upbringings or he is just resentful of the close relationship we have with my parents. He asked what was wrong with my car and I ran through the list that was picked up at the last service, we have discussed it many times over the last month but it never seemed to sink in to him that there are major problems. He always says I’m the problem I made him a bad person, I’ve never stopped nor questioned him when he’s spent money. He purchased a brand new car on a whim while I was on maternity leave with our second child, went out and just did it because “he deserved to have a decent car”. I have not owned a car since then, mine was traded for him and I’ve been driving my parents spare car ever since. Any savings, term deposits and inheritances I’ve received have all gone towards our family. He claims to own our house and everything in it even though my full time wage goes to the joint account. I feel like I’m having to even question my existence. He said that after talking to the men at his work they said by my parents giving me the money it’s undermining him. These are the same men that have all recently bought new cars for their wives and family. He’s been talking about himself getting a new car, his is 8 years old and nothing wrong with it just he wants something different now. He also bought up about a family holiday for my family that my parents should’ve paid for! They offered he declined though he has no recollection of this conversation at all but my parents and I do clearly remember. They paid for our hire car, which I told him but he still wasn’t happy. He said it was for your family so they should be paying. This has now left my parents really angry at him that he is chasing the money now. I told him I’ll pay it not really sure how but I’ll pay it. The last almost a week has been really trying and so hard emotionally, I’m running on empty. I thought yesterday things were looking up after we went birthday shopping for our youngest but now I see more than ever he is very good at putting on a show but behind closed doors it’s a different story. I don’t know what to do. I just want my relationship back to where it was. I really don’t understand why it bothers him how my parents chose to use their money. His certainly don’t offer him money. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Anon43

Thanks for sharing more of your story.

Couples arrange their finances in different ways and my perspective on all this might be quite different to yours, as it’s informed by own lived experience.
My husband and I, for example, have both our earnings deposited in a joint account and then make expenditure decisions together. No one—not his parents or mine—have ever given us a cent. 
So, it’s hard to imagine you being pregnant and having to ask him for support only to have it denied. Or, him expecting your parents to pay for your children’s schooling.

From my perspective, it’s like he doesn’t accept any financial responsibility for your family and thinks your parents are a bank. I don’t think I could live like that.

How do your parents feel about this? Have you ever discussed it with them?

If you think it would help, I’d like to suggest that you two engage the assistance of a marriage counsellor. It could be really helpful. 
Kind thoughts to you