I Finally pushed too far- She's leaving me and there's no way back.
It's my first post here an i'm not even sure where to begin. I guess at what's transpired over the last 72 hours. My wife has decided that she's had enough and she cant go on with our marriage any more. And it's all down to my actions, i'm a repeat offender of pushing my luck and thinking im too smart to get caught, but i'm not and i do get caught.
I havent physically cheated, but on multiple occassions in our 10 years together i've needed to get my ego stroked and have admiration from the opposite sex through social media. Friday night i had a chat in my DM's with a girl who initiated it and said i was cute and if i was single. Well, a random person telling me i was cute inflated my ego balloon and instead of saying thanks and no im not single i'm married. I said i'm arried, but trapped in the marriage. Now that's not true, i only said it in the hope of garnering sympathy in the hope the chat could continue. My wife found out and we've been at odds since.
Seeing as we're in Melbourne and in Lockdown it's been hard to give each other space, but we spoke yesterday and she asked why i keep on doing this. In the past when i've been caught i've said i dont know, i just wanted my ego stroked. And yes that's partly true, but realisitcally in my mind i thought, "well she's obviously not going to leave me. She wouldnt dare, have you seen me?"
I know that sounds awful, but it's how i've thought before. And you might say, that maybe i dont love my wife if i think like this about her, but this isnt an isolated incident, this has happened with every relationship i've had. I see myself as the better half of the relationship. And i know thats a horrible way to think but i've done that and manipulated partners to make everything benefit me since high school.
I have been told i have anumber of narcissistic personality traits, and i am calling my doctor tomorrow to arrange a mental health plan if possible to talk to a professional about my thoughts and actions and reactions to situations as i know the way i act is not healthy and my partners do no deserve it.
last night i broke down uncontrollably in tears, when i knew even though i want nothing more than my wife it's not safe for her to be around me and carry on in a relationship like this.
It may sound silly, but it felt good to know i actually have emotions.
Anyway, sorry for the long winded first post. Just needed to get some of it out as right now i'm utterly broken.
Thank you for sharing that with us. Posting for the first time can be hard, especially about personal and distressing things. It's good that you say you recognise that something has got to change- for your benefit and hers. You deserve better and so does she- you both deserve healthy, trusting relationships. Seeing a professional seems like a good, constructive step to addressing your behaviour and its causes. You are more than welcome to keep us updated on that journey if you like- many threads here are dedicated to talking about how to get the most out of your treatment too. No pressure, of course.
You said you broke down emotionally last night, which is never a great feeling. Do you have something you can do to make you feel better when or after this happens? A cathartic release or positive distraction, maybe?
Im sorry to hear what has happened. I think seeking support on this forum and with a psychologist is a great start to over coming the issuing you’re facing.
I can relate - my behaviours have ruined my marriage and my husband has had enough. Behaviours similar to yours such as thinking I was the better half in the relationship or have had emotional affairs, thinking he would never leave.
Ive learnt it was something missing within myself mostly due to my childhood where I was told I wasn’t good enough. We start to get extremely protective of ourselves and put a huge guard up and project these insecurities onto others, mostly our spouses. It can be destructive and it takes a crisis like yours to awaken what is really going on within.
Im not sure if this is the case with you but speaking to a psychologist would help.
I’m sorry to hear things aren’t working out for you and your wife. I’ve done similar things in some of my relationships, particularly when I felt that my needs weren’t being met.
I know it’s not right and something I need to change.
I wish you luck and I hope to read that you’ve had a positive outcome in the near future.
thanks for your reply. And i feel the same things as you, it's weird, on the outside i project that im great and in my head i've got one voice that tells me that but i know deep down i hate myself.
I know it's not fair on my wife, and i know it's partly selfish of me to want her to stay.
I'm going to work on what i can to chnage some of these habits and behaviours.
thats how i feel that my needs arent being met, but those needs are superficial needs, like not getting validation from my wife that i've cleaned the bathroom, or cleaned up after cooking dinner.
It's like i value things like that over emotional needs which i know are getting met and i guess i've been taking that for granted.
Dear Yellowhornet83 ,
I have been in similar situation not that I have done it multiple times but only once. 4 months ago when I was feeling severely depressed and dealing with a lot more, my partner was added to all that constantly bullying me and Physically and verbally abusing me. I was abused in front of so many people and was called so many names.
I had no intention of cheating whatsoever when I started a conversation with a random person on social media, after talking for a while, the person online suggested that my partner might be the one who is making me depressed and mentally unwell, they were right in many ways, I was financially, socially, emotionally controlled and they were too much. Talking to the person somehow made me empty some of my emotions.
it took to the point where I wanted to separate from my partner. And I was talking some steps. My partner never thought I would leave and so when I told about separation it was a shock to him. This was when he went to find out the reason and found out that I was talking to someone who is suggesting me to separate. He accused me of cheating, disloyalty and a lot more. He Asked me everything and I told him that the person doesn’t even leave in the same country And it was only on social media. He decided to stay. We both agreed To change and work on our relationship. While I am still severely depressed and unwell, he expects me to be the best and have no flaws, he wants attention all the time and wants me to be perfect.
i can’t handle anymore as my mental health is getting so worse and I am finding it hard to function and cope with day to day life. He just doesn’t understand and brings it up every single day. He even threatens me that he will get a back up of my phone and when our 3 years old child gets older, he will show it to him and tell him how I was disloyal and cheated and then separate and take him with him.
i can’t think properly at the moment as I am so unwell and my anxiety is so high I can’t stay still. I don’t even know how and what I wrote in this reply.
All I am trying to say is that once you do something wrong in the relationship, something like this, you will be the bad person forever no matter what you went through.
It is so sad what you are experiencing there. For someone to physically abuse you and verbally abuse you... well its not right. They are not loving you or showing respect to you at all.
It sounds like they may be showing signs of narcissistic behaviour.
I do hope you are okay. Please ring the domestic violence hotline. I care about you, and its hard to know you have been treated like this.
Welcome to our online community. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We're so sorry to hear that you've been suffering from depression and abuse from your partner. It sounds like the abuse has really negatively impacted your mental health. We suggest seeking some professional support for this.
We urge you to contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by family violence and abuse. Their upportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has experienced such abuse. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/
Furthermore, If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.
We thought we would also share some articles that might be of you use to you:
- https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/... - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotiona...
We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.