Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Deecee88 Long term isolation and emptiness :(
  • replies: 1

Hi there, this is the first time I’m trying to speak to people that are outside of my life because frankly, I have no one left. For the past 5-6 years, since my mother has passed my family has broken down and I’ve been completely left on my own. my d... View more

Hi there, this is the first time I’m trying to speak to people that are outside of my life because frankly, I have no one left. For the past 5-6 years, since my mother has passed my family has broken down and I’ve been completely left on my own. my dad has been absent since she died and got a gf straight away and moved out. I stopped working and spent all my money shopping to try and cope with being on my own. I was numb and assumed dad would catch me if I fell. Anyways, as time went on he grew colder and colder. Sold our family home and as I was in so much debt and Broke, I’ve been nothing but a burden to him ever since as I cannot get back on my feet. I’m not allowed to live with him because his gf doesn’t want me there and I’ve been struggling to pay rent and debt repayments to the point where I have no food. I haven’t spent a birthday, New Years or Xmas with anyone as everyone’s too busy. I don’t know what’s happened but it breaks my heart every xmas, new year and birthday when not 1 single person reaches out. I haven’t been out for dinner, on a holiday, had a laugh with any friends or family in multiple years after I have tried so hard to keep people in my life. My heart physically hurts, I hate waking up, I can’t get to sleep and I’m being evicted on Sunday as I have been late a few times with the rent as I finished my law degree 2019. im physically broken because I’m lonely. I’m smart, I’ve had my own business before and I am usually a social butterfly. But watching Netflix everyday because I have nothing to do for 5-6 years is so painful for someone who is usually super positive and motivated. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong and I feel like my dad breaks me just so he can complain about him being the one to help me. I have been emotionally abused to the point I don’t know why i wake up anymore. I want the pain to stop

merry301 Suffocating!
  • replies: 2

I don't even know where to begin other than being in a relationship with someone who suffers from mental health is bloody exhausting. I'm 25 and have been with my fiance for 7 years. Many of those years beautiful, however, this past year has been rea... View more

I don't even know where to begin other than being in a relationship with someone who suffers from mental health is bloody exhausting. I'm 25 and have been with my fiance for 7 years. Many of those years beautiful, however, this past year has been really hard and it's showing on us as individuals and as a couple. We should be having the time of our life yet we spend almost every weekend arguing for hours, we live in server financial stress as my partner hasn't worked for 12 months, our relationship lacks intimacy and we barely speak with each other about our feelings or important matters (mostly because I don't know what reaction I will receive). My partner suffers from GP diagnosed anxiety and depression. He's been on a course of medication but after the 4th one and a bad experience with a psychologist completely stopped and has no immediate intention of seeking any more help as he believes he can do it...or we can do it. He also has a heavy drug addiction to weed and whilst he admits he is addicted, shows me no intention of stopping. I have recently visited a psychologist for myself and they confirmed something I've probably tried to hide from my family and close friends...that I'm in an abusive relationship. I've always been very certain in my feelings and thoughts and considered myself to know when I'm being treated poorly, yet I'm at the point where I'm second-guessing everything I say, questioning if I should be doing more (as I'm so often told I'm not doing enough to help) and feel as though all the problems are because of me, If I just did a little more we wouldn't have these issues. If I just didn't get so defensive maybe he wouldn't raise his voice. I love this man so dearly and am holding on to the relationship we had years ago and the man he was before, but I feel as though I'm suffocating and the word hate starts to enter my mind when I think about my feelings for him. He seems to take no responsibility for his actions and finds a way to turn things back on me but then asks why I'm so defensive or why I don't want to ever talk with him....everyone else can see it, why can't he?!?!?!? It frustrates me so much and I'm sitting here feeling guilty about writing this, guilty about making him out be a horrible man, guilty that after our argument this morning I have no intention of working it out (right now at least) and guilty of having no intention of being around him... I guess I just wrote this because I want to know I'm not alone!

Echoes Feelings of guilt leaving an alcoholic
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt after separating from my wife of 10 years. She succumbed to alcohol and was often violent and emotionally abusive towards me when drunk. Despite the suffering and abuse I was under I still feel lik... View more

Hi everyone, I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt after separating from my wife of 10 years. She succumbed to alcohol and was often violent and emotionally abusive towards me when drunk. Despite the suffering and abuse I was under I still feel like I have let her down by leaving her as she has no means of support after losing her high paying job due to alcohol. I know that I was only enabling her to continue her drinking by being there and I feel like I have wasted the past 10 years. I feel like less of a person and a failure as a husband. After several stints in rehab and having to clean soiled sheets and clothes often I lost hope in our relationship. I was totally miserable and after leaving her I am in a slightly better place now. I am now alone and have taken action to protect myself from her by moving away. I am thankful I have no children and sometimes think about what I could have done to help her while crying alone. I know things will get better and I am doing my best but sometimes I think that I will never get over this. My self esteem has been battered and I can’t see how it will ever rebuild. It feels good to write this and I hope that people in similar situations can see that they are not alone in this struggle.

Liseyy Hi All, Anxiety ruining relationship
  • replies: 1

Hi all, i guess I am seeking some comfort in that I’m not alone, i am finding that my anxiety is ruining my marriage and family. I have good days and bad where I find I am not down and anxious but other days are terrible, there are days where I think... View more

Hi all, i guess I am seeking some comfort in that I’m not alone, i am finding that my anxiety is ruining my marriage and family. I have good days and bad where I find I am not down and anxious but other days are terrible, there are days where I think this is too hard for my husband, to have to deal with my anxiety and panic attacks and and I guess I push him away as I do not want him to have to put up with how I am, I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to have the guilt of having anxiety and not knowing how to ‘get better’ my husband has worked fifo for many years and this has possibly made my anxiety worse, So he came home for a while and now we fight a lot about different things which also triggers anxiety.. sorry for the ramble, I guess what I’m asking is how do you not let anxiety consume your relationship, and move forward? Or did you find it better to go separate paths? thanks xx

Beach26 Super confused lost and anxious
  • replies: 6

Hi, I’m female in my 20’s I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years ,we are engaged due to get married this year. Recently have moved into our new house. Our relationship was great until we got engaged and I feel like I’m owned. My partner I belie... View more

Hi, I’m female in my 20’s I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years ,we are engaged due to get married this year. Recently have moved into our new house. Our relationship was great until we got engaged and I feel like I’m owned. My partner I believe suffers with depression and has anger bad when he drinks in which he will not get help . And I become the target over the years I’ve had a lot of mental abuse to which has lead to me having anxiety and depression from this. I’m now a lot stronger than I was 2 years ago, as he has said a lot of nasty comments towards me over the years and his anger worry’s me. I have realised I don’t love him the way I used to and feel like it’s more a friendship . As he only wants to be intimate when it suits him. I have made an ultimatum that he needs to go and speak to someone otherwise I can’t get married. I’m so anxious and stressed and I have no idea how I would go about our house. I can’t really talk to friends and family as I don’t want anyone to know yet. Wondering if someone had any advise when it comes to the house, as he is super money driven loves money more than me sometimes. And I know it will get nasty hope someone has some advise x x

Jason_B Please Help
  • replies: 6

I would like to say thank you for your help and comments posted back in 2016. Over time it has been up and down. We both agreed to get help through Relationships Australia. However things have gotten worse. I am crying for help..as I do not know what... View more

I would like to say thank you for your help and comments posted back in 2016. Over time it has been up and down. We both agreed to get help through Relationships Australia. However things have gotten worse. I am crying for help..as I do not know what to do. I want to fight to keep my marriage and family together. Like I stated in 2016, I am not writing this to make me sound like an angel. My wife is angry, hurting and can’t bare to look at me or at times be around her. We have been married for just over 16 years and have 2 beautiful children. I met, fell in love and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life and want to grow old together. I will say up front that I lied to my wife on our wedding day and I acknowledge what I have done was wrong, stupid and I never gave her the choice of knowing and was arrogant into thinking of hiding it. I am gutted and wish I could have changed it but I can’t. My wife knew I was previously married and divorced. I hid information about a debt and bank account and did not disclose the information until after the birth of our first child. I am not excused but I was embarrassed about failure of a marriage and I took the debt to get rid of my ex out of my life. Through my stupidity of not telling her about the debt has caused the rocky path we have taken ( a form of affair) a lie, deception and lost trust between us. I have also failed my wife over the past 15 years by not taking her out on date nights, going to some work functions by my self, not including her at times. My ‘Actions’ of what she expects from me I have let her down. She is hurting or I have hurt her deeply, to the stage when we argue, I am constantly reminded that I have never put her first in our marriage. Additionally we have not been able to buy our house or I have not taken my family on holidays. These are key needs of my wife. Again my ‘Non Actions’ has failed my marriage. I know I am a failure and failed her. By me being around her makes her ill . Seeing me reminds her how I have failed as a friend, husband and I lied on our wedding day by not disclosing the debt. I know I have not been her ideal husband who has made mistakes in the past and regret. It’s hard when you are judged on every ‘action’ or failure to act. I am loyal and faithful to my wife and children. I do not want to lose them. But I do not know what to do to save my marriage

_today_ Need some advice
  • replies: 6

Hi all, I really need some guidance as i'm completely lost as to what to do. A few days ago my wife told me that she is not in love with me anymore and that we should stop to pretending that we are not unhappy in our marriage. She gave herself 12 mon... View more

Hi all, I really need some guidance as i'm completely lost as to what to do. A few days ago my wife told me that she is not in love with me anymore and that we should stop to pretending that we are not unhappy in our marriage. She gave herself 12 months to decide whether we could be happy with each other or not. To be honest i know what she is saying is the truth, neither of us have been happy at all for years now. But we kept on going for the sake of the kids and our own comfort. I feel i am no where near where she is in her head given how much time she has had to process it all. We have both made individual efforts over the years to try and fix things, but we are both bad communicators and have never tackled the issues head on. Plus we both have issues with depression and anxiety and it seems like when one of us is good the other is bad. She has already taken her wedding ring off and is sleeping in a separate bed, which i'm finding very degrading on my self worth already. I have spoken to her about marriage counselling to see if there is anything we can do to try and salvage it. My main worry is that if we don't do it i will regret not trying the rest of my life. She didn't seem to think it would achieve much as she has absolutely no romantic feelings for me anymore, but hasn't ruled it out completely just yet. But it does seem like she has made up her mind. My head is filled with so much regret and so much fear. Yesterday i spent a lot of the day crying wondering how we are going to tell the kids, just the thought of having that conversation with them gives me the same feeling as when someone close to you has died, so sad about the fact that i wont get to put my son to bed and wake him for school everyday. I'm lost as we have been each others best friend since the day we got together and going to counselling may destroy that as well. It just sucks and i have no idea of what to do. My world feels like is just imploding in on itself and any experience or advise would be much appreciated.

tayla0 Severe anxiety about getting back with my ex partner
  • replies: 2

I was with my partner for 2.5years. He was my childhood sweet heart in the early years of highschool and we re connected when I was 23. Everything felt magical. Like the flame from highschool returned. Things were going great for the first 6-12 month... View more

I was with my partner for 2.5years. He was my childhood sweet heart in the early years of highschool and we re connected when I was 23. Everything felt magical. Like the flame from highschool returned. Things were going great for the first 6-12 months. then he started to form little white lies that he would keep from me. I would find out and be super disappointed. I always forgave him. He kept up the lies, mostly around money/gambling. Every time I confront him about these lies, he gets really aggressive. He mentally abuses me and then when he sees how upset I am, he completely does a 360 and apologises and wants us to be happy. This has been occuring for 1.5 years now. A week before xmas he lied to me again, my whole family found about his antics and they are not happy with him at all. They used to love him.I eventually went back to him as I was staying at my mums house for the week to help me clear my head. Him and I spoke and we decided that 2020 will be full of new beginnings. After having this conversation, I found out anther lie. He had deleted msgs & calls from his work collague. I packed up all my stuff and I left. He is saying nothing happened & he would never go there with another woman and I believe him. When I was with him, I never completely trusted him because of the lies.Now that I have packed my stuff, he is suffering. He has packed up his stuff and is living in his car & says he is moving overseas as there is nothing left for him here. I am due to move in to a flat on my own. I'm scared of feeling lonely. I have always had someone with me. He is given me 2 wks to make up my mind whether i am going to go back to him or not A part of me cant live without him and I wonder if I will regret not choosing him, as he is promising so many amazing things for us this year. I am suffering from huge fomo. I'm worried that he will move to another country and I wont have any contact with him. I'm worried ill miss him like crazy and want him back. im worried about him moving on and then not wanting me back. A part of me is scared of this change of being alone and finding me more about myself and what i want in life. He is an amazing, kind, generous funny man with a few issues and I think he will do right by me this time round. I'm worried ill be so heart broken and not get over him if he leaves. He is telling me to move on but i know he doesnt want that. i know he loves me and wants to build a future and a family together. can someone shed some light pls

Nothappyuni Co Dependancy highly addictive and destructive
  • replies: 4

Hi, You know how we all want that spark when we meet someone, that feeling that this person completes you in every way? I met that woman, not only was she stunning to look at, but she made me feel complete, on top of the world. There were warning sig... View more

Hi, You know how we all want that spark when we meet someone, that feeling that this person completes you in every way? I met that woman, not only was she stunning to look at, but she made me feel complete, on top of the world. There were warning signs that I ignored, there were incidents and indicators I can look back at and see now, but I was in love- madly and deeply. Or so I thought. 25 years on and it had become the most bitter, twisted, hate filled relationship. I worshipped her (my co-dependancy) I wanted to be her everything. I believed I could convince her she was beautiful and intelligent and could do anything she put her mind to. She was incapable of making any decisions, could not find a single interest (other than our children), hates her job but refuses to leave, believes herself stupid and ugly, hates her life. She was scared of so many things and depended on me to protect and support her. I became her punching bag, the only person in the world who she could be her true self with, her insecurities were focused and projected upon me (her co-dependancy). In my mind I was helping her by taking all the abuse, justified because often we had sex after. This worked for many years, till she stopped being intimate with me. She had become so used to projecting on me that I was no longer her husband, but had become everything she hated about herself. I was called: stupid, unattractive, insecure, controlling, and abusive. In the depths of my co-dependancy I took it all in, believing it all. By the time I left her, I hated myself beyond all reason. I have seen lows that most people could never understand nor comprehend. But the addiction of co-dependancy draws me back to her, makes me believe she is the one and only person for me, it makes me think of only the good, believing she abused me because I deserved it. We have all heard of the wife that returns to a husband that beats her, and we all shake our heads saying she is insane. Mental abuse is just as bad, and infinitely more subtle. That 'spark', that click or completeness, is often an indicator that this person fills a need within you that is not a healthy need. The broken parts of you are screaming for this person. With time those needs will surface, the words and actions of your co-dependant partner didn't fix anything, you have to fix these things yourself. You have to do it the hard way to grow, not depending on someone else to support you, or you to support them to feel needed.

Alex001 Long Term Relationship ending
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I had been in a relationship with my (ex) gf of 5 years. We are both in our late 20s and grew up knowing each other. We were in a long-distance relationship since she was was located in Europe to finish her studies(2 years remaining). Despite... View more

Hi all, I had been in a relationship with my (ex) gf of 5 years. We are both in our late 20s and grew up knowing each other. We were in a long-distance relationship since she was was located in Europe to finish her studies(2 years remaining). Despite the distance we had a loving and affectionate relationship. We would be in touch with each other every day. We would visit each other each year. I began noticing that things were a little off in the recent months. My girlfriend would suddenly break contact with me or provide me with passive aggressive messages to make me move the relationship forward. She also mentioned that she saw couples help each other by being together. A few days later she initiated contact and we resumed our relationship. I do understand she expected some firm commitment from me. However, this was also the time I lost my job and sank into deep depression. Marriage was not my immediate priority. I started looking for jobs in Europe to be closer to her (if not in the same city at least close-by). All I needed was some time and patience from her. Since November our relationship began to deteriorate. She has a crucial exam in January and wanted me to be with her to support her. Although I was happy to take a break and support her, I was not happy with the way she was communicating. She would frequently have an emotional outburst and blame me for not being supportive, not moving the relationship forward and being selfish. I would find it difficult to control her anger. She would send multiple texts and phone calls where she would be abusive. Over these manic episodes I would be patient and try to rationally explain the situation and try to calm her (to no avail). These episodes would last for hours. She also would demand that I come to her to help her. In the end, I would be scared to take any calls or messages from her. Breaking up was difficult since she would threaten self-harm. At the same time, I still loved her and wanted to help, but she was making the environment hostile. She also refused to seek any professional help. A week ago, during one such manic episode, I asked her roommate to call emergency services and intervene. Since then we have had no contact. Currently I have guilt for not communicating well and moving the relationship forward, sorrow for not being there to help her and wonder if I could have communicated better. I would like any advise on how to cope with this situation and thank you for reading this.